UnNews:Gay marriage ruled legal in Connecticut, Coulter and Ingraham seek rites

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11 October 2008

Laura Ingraham shocks her Fox and Friends friends with the announcement.

HARTFORD, Connecticut A sharply divided Connecticut Supreme Court struck down the state’s civil union law on Friday and ruled that same-sex couples have a constitutional right to marry. Connecticut thus joins Massachusetts, California and Utah as the only states to have legalized gay marriages. The ruling, which cannot be appealed and is to take effect on Oct. 28, held that a state law limiting marriage to heterosexual couples, and a civil union law intended to provide all the rights and privileges of marriage to same-sex couples, violated the constitutional guarantees of equal protection under the law.

Striking at the heart of discriminatory traditions in America, the court — in language that often rose above the legal landscape into realms of social justice and Jew-bashing — recalled that laws in the not-so-distant past barred interracial marriages, excluded women from occupations and official duties, relegated blacks to separate but supposedly equal public facilities, and allowed Jews to be seen in public during Passion Week.

In a related development, noted arch-conservative bachelorette socialites Laura Ingraham and Ann Coulter have taken this occasion to reveal their deep-seeded love for one another. The two, both of which have frequently called off heterosexual marriages, believe that the world is now ready to know that they have been sleeping together in New Canaan for the past two years. "Obviously, we still hate gay people," the butchy Coulter said. "But we don't think of ourselves as lesbians."

"We think of ourselves as the porn stars who do each other solely to appease their chauvinist overlords," Ingraham added. The couple also announced that they plan on marrying in January in what will be the nation's first same-sex shotgun wedding. "Obviously it won't be as low key as those dykes, Ellen and Portia," Ingraham said. "We conservatives are far too narcissistic for that."

The couple also added that the New York Times, the United States' authoritative newspaper of record, was "rag of pro-gay liberal bullshit" and that Barack Hussein Obama is a socialist elitist who wants federal regulation of bedtime. Sean Hannity, another suburban New York elitist who is scared of black people, called the announcement "heart-warming" and co-opted gay rights talking points in a manner similar to his use of feminist rhetoric following the liberal media's insistence on interviewing Sarah Palin.