UnNews:FIFA lose first game to FEDS
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, April 25, 2024, 13:17:59 (UTC) |
| FIFA lose first game to FEDS | 
|
28 May 2015
ZURICH, Switzerland -- In a tough 'early bird' game between FIFA and the USA FEDS in the Zurich Baur au Lac Hotel reception, eight players were red-carded, handcuffed, and taken out under a blanket to avoid further humiliation.
Leading the FEDS in their all-white kit was Kelly 'Killer' Curry and Loretta 'Hang 'em High' Lynch. With their new star signing, Chuck Blazer (ex-FIFA), playing deep inside the FIFA half of the pitch, the FEDS had the game won in the first five minutes — once the assembled FIFA players found their pants.
"It was soooooo unfair," complained FIFA coach Sepp 'Honest' Blatter. "My boys were tucked up in bed with their women and money, when suddenly the American FEDS burst in and took the sheets off. My lads didn't stand a chance and I will lodge a complaint with the referee and ask for his personal bank details."
The match was eventually stopped with eight FIFA players ordered out of the hotel and into waiting prison vans. On-lookers said it was a 'whitewash' as they had difficulty seeing who was being led away.
FEDS manager Barack Obama said it was a 'great victory for American Soccer,' which marked his country's decision to annex the game and run it out of Washington, D.C. in future.
"Simply, you can't trust the Europeans to do anything right," he said. "We had to help out in two World Wars and this FIFA business is no different. We expect the second leg of this game to be played here under the strictest security."
There is speculation that Blatter may not be allowed off the plane if he travels to the USA. His team's kit is already set to change from the colour of dollar bills to orange, to mark their transfer to the California Penitentiary League.
Sources[edit]
- Staff "FEDS beat FIFA in first game". BBC, May 28, 2015