UnNews:Details emerge of jailhouse call in Strauss-Kahn case

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5 July 2011

An angry Dominique Strauss-Kahn wonders why he couldn't always get the good ideas first.

NEW YORK, New York -- Recently, sources at UnNews have uncovered the tape recording of the phone call that turned the Strauss-Kahn rape case on it's head. In it, Strauss-Kahn is heard speaking with his brother, Martel, currently in a jail outside of Paris, bragging about how easy it would be to bribe American law enforcement to smear the reputation of the accusing maid, an immigrant from Papua New Guinea, and make her life "a living hell." Here is the transcript:

Dominique Strauss-Kahn: Martel, have you heard of the story from the America?

Martel Strauss-Kahn: Brother Dominique, yes. I'm ashamed and disappointed in you. You've never been caught before, especially not by the authorities.

Dominique: These American pigs. She seemed the type to not talk.

Martel: So what do you do now?

Dominique: I do what I've always planned to do in this situation. I use my money.

Martel: You bribe these people?

Dominique: Yes, the judge, these detectives, these police, my lawyers, their lawyers. I can bribe everyone. This is not Chicago. But this is still America. This is how things are done over here.

Martel: But what will you bribe them to do?


Dominique: You're right. I need tact. And I could use this thing to help out my political run, which is hurting from this little rape charge.

Martel: Make it look like you're the victim in this whole ordeal.

Dominique: I... I could do that. I could make her look like some gold-digger. I could have people plant evidence that she... that she... that she talked with someone on the phone and told them that she was cleaning a hotel room for some rich, and very handsome, Frenchman and there was money to be made if she did things right. I'll even add some things about drugs, too. I've got the good lawyer already, he could confuse her, he could make her change the little details, the ones that don't matter, to her story and make her look unreliable. They'd even release me from this house arrest and I could move back to my bigger place; this one is far too small for my taste. Then I could be make myself look the victim in this fiasco and use that to my advantage. I could get my wife back -

*Raucous laughter*

Martel: Whatever.

Dominique: I know. But having her by my side makes me look like a family man. I can use that on my run for president and really... how do these Americans say it... milk this accusation out. You're a good man, Martel. Thank you for the idea.

Martel: De rien. Just undermine her credibility.

Dominique: Bonsoir.

The tape and its transcript, however, are expected to change little in the Strauss-Kahn trial, as everyone involved in the case knew from the beginning that this would happen. "It was just a matter of time before Strauss-Kahn pulled out his wallet to make this all go away," prosecutor Jamie Quinn said, "Now things will begin settling down and then suddenly it'll be a month later and you'll wonder whatever happened to that rich French guy who raped someone in a hotel."