UnNews:China plans Cultural Revolution alongside 2008 Olympic Games

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4 August 2007

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A Red Guard training in Beijing yesterday

BEIJING, China. –- Authorities in Beijing today announced plans to stage a Cultural Revolution alongside next year’s Olympic Games.

In an exclusive interview, a spokesman for the Chinese Ministry of Culture, Mr. Lee Kee Pan, told an UnNews reporter, “It is thirty years since China had a Cultural Revolution. Our country has a 5,000-year history and a wealth of culture. We would like to give visitors to the 2008 Olympic Games an opportunity to share our pride in the unique accomplishments of Chinese civilization.”

Sponsored by Starbucks™, the 2008 Cultural Revolution will employ specially recruited “Red Guards”. Identifiable by a red armband, the Red Guards, predominantly made up of students, will show visitors historic landmarks and explain unique facets of Chinese culture such as why their toilets are always in a disgusting state.

Special events planned for the Cultural Revolution include throwing the son of a prominent politician from a third floor window of Beijing University and smashing down the Temple of Heaven, a 2,000-year old monument scheduled for demolition to make way for a new golf course.

In a climax to the celebrations, Red Guards will burn down the Forbidden City, former home of the running dog capitalist Emperor.

Silent Bob, Confucian Professor of Chinese at Neasden Polytechnic said, “Oh dear. Not again.”