UnNews:Brooks begs Cameron to leave wife

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19 December 2012

Cameron reassures the public with a textbook innocent facial expression.

CHIPPING NORTON, United Kingdom -- British Prime Minister David Cameron was pulled further into the Leveson Inquiry today as it was revealed that he was seen having an 'intense conversation' with former News of The World and Sun editor, Rebekah Brooks, which culminated in the flame-haired Murdoch-minion begging the PM, "Leave your wife and live with me forever!"

The two met at a party thrown by Tom Astor, great-grandson of the American heiress Nancy Astor (played by Shirley MacLaine), at Merriscourt Farm in Chipping Norton, Cameron's constituency. One onlooker said, "At the start of the night, there was a really ripping atmosphere. David feels comfortable here and really let his hair down. I don't know if you know about Gangnam Style? He did a really hilarious, original parody of that with a few old school chums of his. But then someone must have texted Rebekah and told her he was here and that his wife was at home with the kids."

Mrs Brooks, whose relationship with the Prime Minister was initially called into question after surprisingly warm SMS messages between the two were published,[1] arrived at 11.30pm, "not entirely free of the smell of gin," our source added.

"It was an absolute shocker", said the old gossip, played by Dame Maggie Smith. "Rebekah - ghastly spelling I know - made a beeline for the PM and fairly dragged him orf into the kitchen. She was pulling at his cuffs, trying to fondle his neck, and telling him they should elope together. David looked about as at ease as a fifth year without a fag[2] and kept explaining to the poor girl that he couldn't vacate the country as he was married and was technically the head of state." Ultimately, she had to be escorted from the party by MI5 agents. "She was kicking and screaming like a good 'un, proclaiming that she had let him do things to her that she had never let her husband do. It left a bad taste in one's mouth... What? No, she didn't say that last bit. I meant seeing her like that left a bad taste in one's mouth."

The episode is just the latest instalment in Brooks' fall from grace. Not so long ago, she was a tabloid news editor with such chutzpah[3] that in her first edition of the Sun she had the Page Three Girl's name replaced with her own, to represent her bold stance against non-chauvinists. The last few years have seen her dogged by allegations over phone hacking and her links to the Conservative party top brass.

For Cameron, the long-term consequences are not so clear. Voters often like the idea of a sexually active leader, as shown by Bill Clinton's enduring success after the Lewinsky affair, and Tony Blair's re-election after his tryst with George W. Bush. The short-term effects are much more discernible however. Our source told us - speaking conspiratorially into her fine china tea cup - "Someone must have got word to old Samantha [Cameron] because when David finally tottered back to 10 Downing Street, a little woozled I shouldn't wonder, he soon discovered that she had gone and put the latch on! That's a sure sign that he's in the doghouse. He went straight to number 11 and had to spend the night on George Osborne's settee."


Footsie Notes[edit]

  1. ↑ Cameron rode Brooks' husband's horse, and texted Mrs Brooks that it was "fast, unpredictable and hard to control but fun", which is as close as Conservative Prime Minister has ever come to heterosexuality.
  2. ↑ For more on sexual abuse in boarding schools, visit: http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2005/oct/12/publicschools.schools
  3. ↑ That's Jewish for 'cheek'.

Sources[edit]

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