UnNews:British porn industry booms due to lax attitude on condoms

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4 January 2013

Jessica Abla, the Jessica Alba pornalike, said she was looking forward to doing it 'on the other side of the pond' which is presumably a filthy euphemism.

NEWCASTLE, United Kingdom -- Los Angeles, the traditional home of pornography, is facing a huge crisis over new laws in California which specify performers must wear condoms in scenes, and dirty, bareback Britain is looking to clean up.

"We have a strong industry here, plenty of money, and a complete disregard for our stars catching AIDS," said Paul Meoff, the head of Glitter Tits Productions, whose name is only a sex pun if you are a Cockney. "America is a proper funny place sometimes - it's probably the country that has hosted the post DVDA [1] acts in history, but it's got this conservative side to it. Whereas we just don't give a fuck."

Britain has a long tradition of forsaking condoms, as demonstrated by its teenage pregnancy rate, and Meoff hopes that the influx of A-list American pornographers will inspire young Britons to "push their physical and mental limits" in the name of masturbation.

"It's no coincidence that I set up the business in Newcastle - I think there is an awful lot of slut potential over here, but some young slags are still reluctant to film what they do. What we're hoping is that when they see these Yankee girls getting paid £400 a time with only a very small risk of catching AIDS, that more of the local lasses will have unprotected sex for money, and the thing will start snowballing - which is also the name of a sexual act we will insist they perform in the first audition."

Porn directors on the other side of the Atlantic are dismayed by the new laws. Jack Fast told us, "These fucking politicians have no idea what they are doing. The porn industry not only contributes 9% of California's GDP, it has also been an important feeder industry for mainstream Hollywood. Where do you think Kathy Bates, Meryl Streep, and Glenn Close got started?"

"What these bureaucrats don't get is that we are among the most tested people in the world. We all have an AIDS test at the start of the month. Now, as long as no porn star has sex with anyone outside the industry during that month, they can have as much unprotected sex as they like. It's a watertight system."

Some of the starlets themselves have mixed feelings about the move. Sandy Crack, 24, said: "God, is the weather really as shitty as they say? I don't know if I can handle rain, I have been in LA too long. I'm such a beach bunny, does Newcastle have a beach? And I have never fucked with the heating on, I don't know how that is going to work. But it's like my agent said, bitch gotta go where the money be."

Influential web blogger The Chronic Masturbator crystalised the viewer's point of view. "When I watch porn, man, I just can't stand to see any kind of protection involved. How am I supposed to get off if I can't see the man's naked penis? Going into a vagina I mean. I think part of me gets excited that these girls are all filthy nymphos who don't care about precautions like normal girls do. And part of me hopes all people who have more sex than me die of sexually transmitted diseases."

Footlong notes[edit]

  1. Don't ask.