UnNews:British government increase rain to tackle Credit Crunch

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4 December 2008

You would, just to say that you had

LONDON, United Kingdom -- The British Government used the Queen's Speech to announce that it is to increase the level of rain by 2.4% in an attempt to stimulate public spending. This leaves dampness at its highest level since 1951. "We need to get the British people back into our shops, and the best way of doing that is to have them sheltering in them," Prime Minister Gordon Brown explained today. He added that "It’s the only prudent thing to do," in what was seen as a wasted qualification of a perfectly clear first sentence.

Chancellor Alistair Darling denied that human sacrifices to the Old-Testament God would have to be increased to offset the rain acceleration. "I'm convinced we can do the whole thing with sheep" he stated.

When questioned, several members of the public provided answers – a popular convention. About Brown’s rain policy, Mrs Laura Brown from Fife provided a typical response asking "Wouldn't it be better to cut the wind level to a brisk breeze rather than implementing a wholesale downpour increase?"

The rain increase was just one of several policies announced in the speech this week. The Labour Prime Minister also announced that every British house-hold would be receiving a dog. "Not only will this excite the pet-food market," he explained, "these dogs will be trained to urinate through the heat-vents of old-fashioned TV sets." Labour are counting on this urine based destruction convincing those previously reticent to upgrade, to enter the flat-screen television market. In addition, it was announced that Coronation Street will be moved to Sky Sports in an attempt to boost subscriber levels to the recession hit pay-tv market.

In a further step, Brown promised to turn the United Kingdom’s entire traffic-light network green for a day to stimulate car write-offs, "We need to get people buying new vehicles," he added in sheer contravention of show-don’t-tell.

In a final step, loud speakers are to be installed in every household with Joanna Lumley's voice whispering random spending encouragement such as, "buy it" and "what's it there for if it's not for spending?".

Conservative leader David Cameron responded by calling Brown a, "fucking idiot", adding, "I think it's no exaggeration to say 'we’re all going to die.'"