Sky Sports

Sky Sports (also known as Satan TV and Sky Premier League and Other Things) is a supposed television channel that was launched in what us humans call the year of 1990, even though it was technically in 1991 but who even cares. It changed sport forever, in ways still be felt now - such as extortionate subscription fees and the eradication of peasant viewers, the rescheduling of fixtures for the SIGNIFICANT better of the fans and, of course, the formation of the Premier League, which meant people could now wear half and half scarves whilst walking around half-empty stadiums in Manchester for £5000 per game.

How did NewsCorpSport come to be?

So, back in 1990, there was a smallish little company called BSB (standing for British Shit Bitches). They operated a channel called The Sport Channel, as they all had Down syndrome and were incredibly dumb. When British Shit Bitches merged with the new and shiny SkyResistanceIsFutile Network, The Sports Channel became the brand new Sky Sports, and some shit happened with little satellites and decoders or something. Anyway, they eventually became big enough in mass that they could launch Sky Premier League Jr., and then even Sky Sports Oh Shit Not The Premier League.

Premier League

Around the same time that British Shit Bitches merged with the all powerful SkyAndAir, there were a few footy teams that didn't like being treated as teams anymore. Now they wanted to be treated as vast piles of cash that people could pour money into. And so they formed a new league, which was different because it wouldn't be free on TV anymore, and would also see ticket prices rise to about £800 for now. But who cares, as long as Manchester United can play Oldham Athletic! It was just this that saw Sky pick up vast amounts of thick idiots subscribing to their shit service, and it also saw the rise of Mr. Sexism himself, Scottish arse Andy Gray. And some lad from Butlins Kent or something called Richard Keys. These two would become the poster boys of evil in the world and would one day go on to run for president, only defeated by a single vote by current president Kang in the vote of 2093. Sky also provided us with many commentators, including one who orgasms every time his beloved Manchester United are playing, about 15 bald pricks, a former defender who might steal your tires, another one who had a very famous orgasm once, and also 19201 ex-footballers/pundits/people that agreed to appear with a contract with a company like SkyPiecesOfShit as well.

What is on this fantastic channel?

Well, here's a selection of shit sports that SkyWhoAreWeKiddingTheseNamesAreShit have shown, will show, are showing, or will show until the universe explodes.

• Premier League - Oh, we've already talked about this above. Read that first you skimming and scamming twat.
• 'The Effortlessly Fucked League (EFL) - Sky Sports also have the rights to three leagues below the Premier League - and yes there are leagues below the Premier League. I never knew either. Anyway, the high point of these is the odd fan occasionally telling the Crewe Alexandra manager to 'Take his face for a shit' or someone getting the shit kicked into them.
• Scottish Fitba - You know when you've had an amazing two courses and don't want or care about dessert that isn't even that good? That.
• Massively Lame Shit (MLS) - There's also American football. No, not that one. The one where nobody gets killed. Who even gives a shit?
• International sOcCeR - "GO MY COUNTRY, GO! BEAT THIS OTHER COUNTRY! OH I REALLY HATE THIS ONE! AND THIS ONE CAN JUST GO TO HELL FOR WHAT THEY DID TO US IN WORLD WAR 5! AND THIS ONE BETRAYED US IN 2306!"
• Cricket. All the cricket you'll never watch - Ah cricket: the most boring sport since cricket. England apparently have a good team or something and there's a World Cup happening. Maybe Sky could make cricket more exciting by implementing a strapped C4 device to every player - as soon as the wicket (three wooden things that if they weren't all the same size would look like a dick and two balls) gets hit, one goes off at random. Far more exciting.
• 22 men chasing an egg around for longer than is neccessary - Kind of explains itself really.
• Golf. With Sand Wedges and everything
• Women's Sports - Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Sky Sports Not-So-News

SkyAbsolutelyNo also have a channel imaginatively titled Sky Sports News. This channel is an interesting concept - two people sitting a new studio void for 14694456 hours whilst trying to stay awake, talking about whatever Sky make them talk about bitch. It's like when you're travelling to a hotel, and you can't find the remote so you're stuck with the hotel's own channel continuously playing in a loop until either the TV goes off or you die (usually the second option). Only even worse. It's like being stuck in a room with the creator of Mozilla Firefox - they're deeply irritating, ruined the concept of something and should be classed on some sort of register. Basically, don't watch it unless you have enough time on your hands to simultaneously discover the lost world of Atlantis and travel back through time to erase the man (because it WAS a man) who created Wiki Fandoms.