UnNews:Boiling oil to be supplied to local communities
| We distort, you deride | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, December 21, 2024, 12:37:59 (UTC) |
| Boiling oil to be supplied to local communities | 
|
10 August 2011
LONDON, United Kingdom -- British Prime Minister David Cameron has ordered supplies of 'boiling oil' to be sent to all areas suffering from riots and looting.
Dressed as a Knight of St.George, a visibly reddening David Cameron spoke to the Lords and Knaves at the Royal Palace of Westminster outlining his plan to deliver piping hot oil to every castle in England. Throwing down his bejewelled gauntlet he said:-
This is an emergency and I have a great plan, said Cameron as he made a big swishing move with his broadsword. I want everyone to be secure inside their castle and behind a freshly cleaned moat. So I have ordered my minions to get off their backsides and go out delivering oil to protect every native born Englishman and English woman. Follow the instructions and you will boil these bastards as they come storming over your drawbridge. Er...those living in hovels...I'll come to you later.
Cameron's speech was loudly applauded by the Medieval Conservative Party and their ally, the page boy Nick Clegg. On the opposite side of the chamber, the Peasants' Labour Party complained about the price of jerkins, cost of treating plague victims and suggested Cameron had 'whipped up a dragon' to cover his own absence from England whilst on a holiday crusade in Tuscany. But the Conservatives said Labour were 'the friends of looters' and said they would 'deal with them dirty villeins after the troubles'.
A respected chronicler working for the Chaucerian Times said this was Cameron's last chance to 'prove himself' or face a rebellion by his party who have already come up with some novel tortures if he fails.
The Conservatives don't like losers and if Cameron lets the looters win, he will be skinned alive by September.
Sources[edit]
- Minion "London riots whilst semi-naked women play in the sand.". Daily Chainmail, August 10, 2011
- Liberal "England burning:Continent isolated.". Ye Bleeding Heart Guardian, August 10, 2011