UnNews:Blizzards not caused by incest

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27 January 2015

Juno, the Roman Goddess of Marriages: "All men are bastards"

FLAT 1, Mount Olympia -- Juno, the emotionally fragile Goddess of marriages, is allegedly throwing cutlery and slamming doors, after hearing her name given to Superstorm Juno striking the eastern United States.

The stunning quasi-legally blonde deity - both Zeus's ex-wife and sister - became legendary for her revenge when Zeus betrayed her with his lovers. Her symbols include the peacock, the cow and the bitch.

Just as the fallout is settling from Pastor Isidorio’s announcement that the Gay Pride Parade in Sao Paulo caused the country’s droughts, it seems incestuous activity among the more devout hills is being blamed for the record-setting American snowfall.

In a phone interview to her “chilly chic” gated penthouse apartment on top of Mount Olympus, Juno was plainly upset. After many one word answers and long awkward silences, the Goddess eventually said: “I’m pregnant,” and slammed the phone down. She then refused to answer any calls or texts.

Zeus, just back from a holiday in Athens, seemed uncomfortable talking about Juno. He admitted allowing his God-like status go to his “other” head in the past and it was all a very embarrassing mistake. The sky God added: “Her beauty would refresh the eyes of a man, like a crystal pool of water would the desert wanderer and all that, but let me warn you... she’s a fucking ball breaker.”

Juno is a regular contributor to Vogue, where a staffer was happy to discuss the Goddess.

“Juno, OMG she’s like sooooo nice. Tallulah and I do yoga at the Royal Academy with her on a Tuesday. She can get the perfect daytime make-up you know, even Zoe Taylor’s jealous, soz Zoe! The way she gets that flawlessly luminescent skin and just the right amount of definition on the eyes and the lips, she’s amazing!

“Have you ever eaten her ginger miso broth? Men say it’s to die for.”

During the spellbinding discussion with Vogue, ninety six missed calls had been received from Juno and one text, just saying “bastard.” A return call was partially successful when, after several silences, Juno said she was not pregnant, but going to commit suicide.

Oddly, Zeus was benevolent. “What again?” he said, “Look mate she’s a Goddess, I don’t even know if it is possible to kill her. I’d have a bloody go at the icy bitch myself, but I think she’d enjoy the drama.

“She probably did the blizzard, but I can assure you it wasn’t on my behalf, more likely one of her boyfriends has flicked a button. It'll be a quick blow. Despite the rhetoric, she doesn't normally do more than twelve inches. Even Facebook going down on her kicks up a storm and sends her writhing and screaming; she just can’t get enough of those selfies either.” He then wandered off, scratching his beard and muttering under his breath about bunny-boilers.