UnNews:Black iPods rob owners

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Tuesday, December 7, 2021, 01:04:59 (UTC)

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OCTOBER 23, 2005 — A report published by a leading publication yesterday alleges that black iPods are more predisposed to criminal tendencies than their white counterparts. In a controlled test, scientists showed that black iPods were stealing money from their owners 70% more frequently when placed in the same pocket as a wallet. In two incidents, they are even reported to have stolen money while in a different pocket alltogether. Though the cause of this unprecedented phenomenon is as yet unexplained, many people believe it could have something to do with the black models being manufactured in a less privileged section of the warehouse.

Apple denies the report's claims but has promised to rehabilitate defective models free of charge if the owner can prove that it was the iPod, and not simply a Black person, who stole the money.

Others are less forgiving. "Next thing we'll start seeing black iPods scratching white iPods! This is only the beginning, we need to act now with strong laws to punish these offenders." warns Professor Richard White of the Responsible American Committee for Inquiry into Stereo Typing, or RACIST, which believes these iPods cannot be rehabilitated and need to be exchanged for white models in accordance with the warranty.

Sources close to Apple, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that measures are being taken to keep black iPods separated safely in the backs of delivery trucks, away from the white ones, until they have an opportunity to investigate the matter thoroughly, and that Apple is making plans to manufacture "separate but equal" accessories for the black iPods, including distinctly marked power cords and headphones.