UnNews:Biblical Olympic events get IOC go-ahead

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Monday, November 29, 2021, 23:40:59 (UTC)

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14 August 2009

LAUSANNE, Switzerland -- In an otherwise unremarkable announcement, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has today unveiled a plethora of new events, largely designed around biblical precepts, that will be contested at the 2016 Summer Olympics. These events include Philistine hunting, slave-driving, and cross-country snake-handling. Various sources attribute the new events to the financial influence of southern "Megachurches", as well as the recent conversions of several senior IOC officials.

"Mes amis! I 'ave seen ze light!"

In a brief and bizarre press conference, Jacques "The Light" Rogge, IOC President and part-time televangilist, explained the new events as the result of "divine guidance". "Ze Lord, ee say to me een a dream: 'Jacques! Take Rick Warren's money!' So, zen I deed." Flabbergasted reporters were also interested in why rugby and golf, two sports widely tipped to be included in the games, were overlooked. "For ze golf, eet is only exciting to see ze pantalons de John Daly," explained Rogge. "Et rugby, eet is too much like ze sodomy, no?"

Bible-literalists and WorldNetDaily editors gleefully celebrated the news by claiming that the book of Revelation was finally coming true, and promised that this time they weren't just joking around. For his reaction to the announcement, UnNews interviewed Jebediah Dormant, a popular rural faith-healer and the CEO of the West Virginia Olympic Committee. "Ah'm so thankful to our sweet Lord for showing the Eye-Oh-See the light, on this matter, m'yeah," said Dormant, while happily finishing a cross-stitched picture of Jesus riding a velociraptor.

His neighbour Manatee Williams agreed, saying that this was the only way for the United States "to win more medals than them commies. Only thing is, this Plague Decathlon has got me a bit worried... Presume'bly y'all need a first-born son, and I ain't got none! It's disrim'nation!"


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.