UnNews:Australia finally gets another mass shooting

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Democracy Dies with Dignity UnNews Thursday, October 6, 2022, 23:22:59 (UTC)

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6 August 2022

Queensland runs red with blood.

BOGIE, Queensland -- Ending an agonising wait, Australia experienced its eighth mass shooting in history, which left three people dead.

Australia remains on top of the leader board of the 2022 Commonwealth Games, as Aussie athletes win gold after gold medal in sports such as hockey, which one would think the Canadians would win. Despite the Games taking place in Birmingham, Australia tries to get a gold medal against the United States in the "Mass Shooting" category — even though the U.S. is not even a part of the Commonwealth, or the Games themselves. However, even if they were, Australia would still not have beaten the Yanks, as the Americans have already had 314 mass shootings in 2022 alone, with Australia only having 8 in all of the nation's history.

"What kind of a mass shooting is this?" former U.S. President Donald Trump retorted, when asked if Australia had outdone America. "Only three casualties? When America holds a massacre, at least 20 people are dropped. Fine mass shootings. Best in the world. After the 2024 election, when we take back our Oval Office, we'll Make American Massacres Great Again, again, I give you my word."

Indeed, some American referees are calling for this "mass shooting" to be downgraded to a mere "triple murder". Australian police stand by their decision, as the term is used in Aussie law. Prime Minister Anthony Albanese said, "America has about 330 million people, so their criterion for a mass shooting is about 20. Since we only have 25 million, three dead constitutes a mass shooting."

Off-duty Hellanodikai currently preparing for the 2024 Olympic Games, in which bloody massacres will be a medal sport, say the rules have not been nailed down since its introduction as a demonstration sport in 1872. "At the moment, each country has its own definition of mass shooting," one representative stated. "Australia's gunplay will therefore go onto the scoreboard." El Salvador's Congress promptly decreed that it would count a single casualty as a mass shooting, as the mass of a human was shot. This decision will propel El Salvador past the USA in most mass shootings and surely clinch the gold.

Trump vowed that the US will strike back. "The Supreme Court — with those three fine new Justices, I gave you all three, and the Democrats were no help at all — has breathed new life into the Second Amendment. I look forward to going backward to deregulation, American gun supremacy — we used to be tops in oil too, you know, and we'll get that back too — and capturing the gold in 2028."

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