UnNews:Assad wins with 90% in Syrian election nail-biter

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We have met the enemy, and he is us UnNews Tuesday, June 18, 2024, 02:10:59 (UTC)

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5 June 2014

President Bashar al-Assad casts the winning vote for himself.

DAMASCUS, Syria -- In the closest Syrian Presidential election since 2000, President Bashar al-Assad won with a landslide.

Standing on a platform of 'More of the Same From Cuddily Bashi,' Assad beat his two opponents Sadiq Ali Stooge and Mohammed Fakti-Foni in a race that was tight until the actual voting began. When the votes were counted, Ali Stooge and Fakti-Foni immediately conceded defeat and got their old jobs back.

Casting his vote with his wife, one-time winner of the Vogue Magazine Chic Dictator's Wife of the Year Asthma al-Assad, the bean-pole-tall Assad claimed the vote was an endorsement of his anti-terrorism campaign.

"I am glad the Syrian people have backed my promise to keep our War on Terrorism going 'till victory," said Bashar Al-Assad. "We believe in democracy here — unlike those black-bearded jihadis and their British-American backers."

Roll out the Barrel.

Syrian election pollsters WeGov said the results were 'remarkable.' Peter Al-Kellner said the votes showed that even in Aleppo, Assad won 75% of the vote considering recent Syrian government policies of dropping barrel bombs on those complaining about rubbish collections.

Al-Kellner said, "We can confirm this was a fair vote." He went on to assert that fairies live at the bottom of his garden and that the Loch Ness Monster will carry Alex Salmond in triumph through the streets of Edinburgh when Scotland votes for independence in September 2014.