UnNews:Apocalypse warning, kittens involved

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Straight talk, from straight faces

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UnNews

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Thursday, April 25, 2024, 22:28:59 (UTC)

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14 January 2010

A sign of the Apocalypse. If you see these, you're probably screwed.

HAIFA, Israel -- Scholars at the Institute for the Study of the New Testament made a discovery which has shaken Monotheistic faiths to their core. According to Institute administrator Seth MacAndrew, "All these years, the New Testament was assumed to have been written in Attic Greek. As it turns out, the author of Revelation was writing in Basement, or at most Second Floor Greek. This has lead to a re-translation of the New Testament, and possibly, a new understanding of Christianity."

For example, in the NIV Bible Book of Revelation 6, 5-6, the Attic Greek word for horseman is the same word for the phrase "kittens with glowing red eyes" in Basement and First Floor Greek. It seems that eschatology enthusiasts should be looking for four kittens with glowing eyes, and not horsemen, as harbingers of the Apocalypse.

Sources

• Antonio Scarparti "New discovery gives us another reason to hate kittens". NewsWeek, January 14, 2009