UnNews:Amazon.com Suffers Catastrophic Tube Failure

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Tuesday, July 23, 2024, 06:29:59 (UTC)

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6 June 2008

A massive explosion early today shook the amazon rain forest at Amazon.com's main intertube facility. During a routine check of an automated binary card reader, a worker had forgotten to close the supply valve to the number three express tube. This caused a buildup of merchandise with no tracking information. It wasn't long until the number three tube exploded creating a chain reaction destroying the 2 and 4 tubes, and damaging the number 1 tube. Experts were quick on the scene but could not repair the damage. An emergency distress e-mail needed to be sent but the building had no internets. A few workers quickly commandeered a dump truck and tried to send the message using it, to the workers dismay the internet was not something they could just dump something on. The internets sucked in the workers and they were transported into a horrible website.

An ariel view of the damage

Interview With A Survivor[edit]

We later met with Tiki Brown and his brother, Tunga Brown. Tiki witnessed the accident first hand, but speaks no english, so we had his brother Tunga translate.

So, Tiki, will you please give us a brief description of what you saw today?

  • Tiki: (Makes clicking sounds and something that sounds like the Jurrasic Park Theme Song)
  • Tunga: Tiki say, "We (workers in the facility) were just getting back from our break when all of a sudden we heard a horrible noise.
  • Tiki: (Claps hands three times and humms the French National Anthem)
  • Tunga: Tiki say, "All of a sudden the alarm went off and everyone was rushing to evacuate."

That sounds horrible, did you acctually see the tubes collapsing?

  • Tiki: (Holds up three fingers, makes a facial expression that makes him look somewhat like a monkey, and juggles three peices of wood)
  • Tunga: Tiki say, "Yes, just as I was makeing my escape, the number 1 tube fell right behind me! Luckilly I was able to escape by juggling these three peices of wood."

Allright, I see you have obtained somewhat of a nasty gash on your arm there, is that related to the accident?

  • Tiki: (Points to the wrekage of the plant behind us, pretends he is driving a car, dances the macarana, and uses a fork and knife to cleanly cut his shirt into ten small peicse and eats them one by one)
  • Tunga: Ok, I really have no idea where he is going with this... Something about the New Yorker and tube socks.

Thank you both for your time.