UnNews:ASEAN declares itself a Community

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24 November 2015

The U.S. President finally found a group of people who don't act surprised when he gets annoyed at having to answer questions.

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia -- The leaders of ten southeast Asia nations signed a communiqué declaring the area a "Community" — the first step in creating a pan-regional bureaucracy from which everyone wanting to do anything will have to pull a permit, after getting permits from his local and national governments.

The declaration "includes a political, security and socio-cultural dimension," which is enough words in which to hide a full-fledged welfare state, a self-justifying bureaucracy subsidizing foreign businesses, and a regional army performing mischief in member countries and involving them all in Asia-wide scuffles, such as confronting China about its current work paving the South China Sea. As member governments already defend lives and property, the ASEAN government will busy itself defending the Regional Patrimony, the Honor of Womanhood, and Gluten-Free Zones. Ineffective crackdowns on the innocent can now be instituted on a multi-national basis.

Leaders said the ASEAN Community will compete with the European Union and the United States. This means that regulations on the allowed flavors for potato chips and the wording of Nutrition Facts should be issued by the end of the year. Viewed as a Community, ASEAN would be the seventh-largest in the world; and viewed as a destination for cheap hookers and pirated DVDs and software, it is the first.

U.S. President Barack Obama was present at the signing, taking a half dozen Boeing 737s with his entourage, biographers, hair stylists, Michelle's extended family, and TelePrompTer on a detour from his trip to Paris, where he is to talk about the need for humanity to use less fossil fuel to avoid catastrophic climate change.

Mr. Obama told the leaders, "I hear you folks have set up a Community, and I thought you might want a Community Activist." He advised ASEAN to avoid the "pitfalls" of the United States, such as free speech (as a video can sometimes cause spontaneous riots at consulates), petitioning the government for redress of grievances (as the U.S. is currently dealing with religious extremists like the Tea Party movement), and above all, failure to equalize incomes. The President, at $400,000 a year, makes vastly more than the day-laborers who shot up a concert hall at his next destination. Fresh from his domestic victory over the XL Pipeline and already on record that bad social policy is behind the current wave of terrorism, on his next stop he will tell his French hosts that their first order of business should be to ensure that every Muslim terrorist is guaranteed a "living wage" even when his business is dying.