TransLink (British Columbia)

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“The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round, unless Translink has something to do with it.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Translink

“You really want Translink (Northern Ireland), fool!”

~ Mr T on Translink (Northern Ireland)

TransLink (legally the Holy Translink Alliance of the Greater Vancouver Regional Consortium) is an ancient secret society that went public in 1788 due to enormous internal guilt regarding prior "trans-gressions." The gigantic bureaucratic cult was established as an offshoot of the Spacefaring Guild popularized in Frank Herbert's Dune, but is actually responsible for creating the guild's slogan, "The spice must flow!" Translink is also the chief (and sole) sponsor of the transgendered mixer event, "Trans-Link", which regularly collapses from a simple mixer into a drinking competition, then further into a totally rockin' orgy, due mainly to the unusually high numbers of Surrealists in attendance.

Translink is headed by a board of the 766 Mayors of the 767 GVRD municipalities (The mayor of Surrey has never attended due to the fact that the municipality remains unaware of the Translink organization, since it is also secretly trying to tear the city apart from the outside.) The chairmanship of the board of directors, or 'Council Of Evil' as it prefers to be called, is determined by semi-annual raffle, whose proceeds are used to downgrade the buses in the Richmond and Surrey fleet as often and as substantially as possible.

So far, Translink operates a fleet of buses that number in the dozens, several light rail trains with special cowcatching and heavy nuclear missile launch facilities, an underground railroad for the flourishing Korea-Canada Organs-for-Arms-for-Oil-for-Organs-for-Drugs-for-Hostages-for-Arms program, and the SkyTrain. It also releases its publication, The Buzzer, a helpful guide to taking the transportation system and brainwashing propaganda device.

It has been suggested that Translink is secretly in control of the entire GVRD government, when in actuality this is a plain, common fact to the people that live there; every third dollar spent in Vancouver winds up being splurged away by Translink in some way or another.

Current Projects[edit]

At present, Translink is working on the construction of the new Richmond-Airport-Saturn Line, due to open sometime years ago, which, like most such projects, is tremendously (but not unexpectedly) over budget, and terminates at some godawful place nobody would ever visit: Richmond (Which has recently been annexed by China). Currently, the Saturn segment is incomplete, but the line still operates to "Frozen Vacuum of Interplanetary Space/North Delta Station", which remains popular despite its long name and absence of a pressurized, radiation-free atmosphere. (Projects to reproduce the popularity of an atmosphere-free station have met with little success; Braid Station still only receives one-third of a passenger per year, and even then it is often a bewildered and/or intoxicated tourist who doesn't know any better.)

Translink has also committed taxpayer dollars numbering in the tens of cents to Translink Security Insensitivity Training - a measure which has had a great impact on the number of routine beatings and cavity searches the force administers every hour.

Perhaps Translink's most substantial project, codenamed "Project Global Bitchslap", involves the construction of 60 orbital attack satellites set and poised to wipe out the world's remaining Scythian population, thus causing a permanent and fatal imbalance in the economics of the Golden Horde. This will allow Translink to further expand its hold on world politics into the lucrative "Opium Road" trading route through Central Asia, guaranteeing the security of the organization indefinitely.

Translink is currently attempting to deal with its lack of employees by deliberately running a minuscule number of buses to Simon Fraser University and University of British Columbia, causing many students to miss important lectures, tests, classes, exams, sport lessons, swimming classes, summer school, night classes and drinking parties in the hopes that they will flunk out of university and seek employment within the company.

The drivers in the translink buses are complete idiots that eat coral.

North Vancouver Involvement[edit]

It is rumoured that the North Vancouver military is involved in a Translink plot to destroy Anchorage, Alaska, and turn the city into a giant work camp to produce more transit buses. The supposed goal of this is to sell these buses to other cities for profit, and to continue to keep pissing off the Metro Vancouver citizens. They destroy the idiots and keep the nitwits.