Translink (Northern Ireland)
“Goldliners burn like a dream”
Transport Linksportations (Translink) is the holding company for all of Northern Ireland's public transport services, formed to ensure that fares never decrease and service never rises above mediocre.
(Citybus) Metro[edit]
Metro is the new name for Citybus. Correction, Metro is a totally new bus service from Translink. It operates the following routes in Belfast. Buses are pink and bendy.
Ulsterbus[edit]
Ulsterbus is Translink's rural service, for the "culchie" folk.
The Ulsterbus inter-city Goldliner services use "articulated" vehicles, articulated by joining a sequence of old cars with duct tape.
Translink claims to serve Norn Iron's mythical second city, Derry. The elusive 212 'Ghost Bus' service, the 'Maiden City Flier,' runs every hour from Belshaft's Europa Hotel, but certain Translink employees state that there is 'nae such' destination.
Mucksavage awareness[edit]
Manys a contemporary country folk has testified to the wider Irish public that the legendary war chariot of old, the Ulsterbus, is a sure place to spot some of the rarer beasts of Irish legend - the 'mucksavage' cailiní. Hunting in textbook fashion and often dressed to the ankles in their sacred ceremonial 'O'Neills' attire, it is not uncommon for an alpha-savage to emerge from this pack and to "swing the leg over" a male commuter especially if dressed to the hilt in his mating uniform - the county geansaí. This male must then reply with a blood curdling cry of horror lest he feel the collective wrath of the 'savages. Following this awful deed, the pack will often retreat to the relative safety of The Botanic Inn or The Hatfield House and the porter will flow (as is recounted in a number of Irish literary masterpieces) only to then trudge home later that afternoon with another victim in tow. Few men have ever made it out of a 'savage's den psychologically unscathed. The more secluded areas of the country are known to harbour the most ferocious man-huntin' mucksavages on earth and it is rare to escape from their predatory ways. There is only one real protection at a man's disposal when it comes ...to handling the lethal mucksavage and it is recorded succinctly in an old Irish proverb - 'If ye can't lift 'er, don't shift 'er'.
Ulsterbus Foyle[edit]
Ulsterbus Foyle is Derry's answer to Citybus Metro Metro. Similar to Belfast, Ulsterbus Foyle uses Quality Bus Corridors (Roads). Instead of the 12 routes employed by Metro, Ulsterbus Foyle uses 15. A system of prime numbering simplifies the system for tourists. Prices are significantly cheaper than Belfast, but then the buses aren't decorated with glitter.
Ulsterbus Foyle does not serve Muff (the gateway to Derry), but Lough Swilly bus are happy to take you for a ride through Muff (well they did some time ago, before they went bankrupt because they couldn't cover the cost of replacing constantly blown up buses).
Goldline[edit]
Translink's Goldliner service was a tie in promotion to the popular movie Goldfinger. Despite popular belief, the buses themselves are not made from gold, rather gold painted faeces. This is just one of the many cost saving measures that Translink is renowned for (such as not stopping to pick up passengers when they signal a bus to stop and the customary anal probe received when both embarking on and disembarking from your journey).
Northern Ireland Railways[edit]
Translink's flagship vehicle, the Trainship Enterprise, runs bi-annually to the island's outer reaches, achieving death-defying speeds of 50 mph (80 km/h), except when there are leaves on the line. The Enterprise is usually found parked between Newry and Dublin due to breakdowns or bombs on the line.
Translink's new fleet of trains now have toilets on board, together with a scary lesbian voice that tells you to close and lock the doors, a far cry from the nice lady (who seemed to be straight) who used to announce your arrival to Gt Victoria Street.