Simon Fraser University
Simon Fraser University, commonly referred to as SFU, is the only Canadian university considered by the UN as a location unfit to house about-to-be slaughtered animals or solitarily confined students awaiting torture in the electo-shock room of the Saudi Arabian Military Police Academy's dungeon for torturing students with a "Concentration in Middle East Studies." This longwinded title of unfitness stems from the Red Cross's longwinded criticisms that the school contains more concrete structures per capita than a super-maximum security prison, more Renaissance coffee shops than a downtown Seattle street has Starbucks, compulsory umbrella ownership, has 1st year suicide missions such as finding your course in the RCB or the 4th level of the AQ to weed out the weaker students, and being completely isolated from all civilization atop a cold and constantly fogged over mountain only accessible by overcrowded public transit travelling at a maximum of 15km/h. These conditions have led the Red Cross to state SFU as the harshest learning environment in the world.
The International Association of Economic Planning Counsellors has also seen fit to warn high school students or international students wishing to transfer to SFU that living as a dirt farmer in Africa for four years is a much safer environment than studying at Simon Fraser. The only advantage of Simon Fraser, according to the U.S. military, is that SFU is the only post-secondary institution on the planet that could withstand a 100 Megatonne Nuclear blast due to the sheer amount of reinforced concrete. Growing tensions between the "Simon Fraser Political Action Club Against Animal Testing, Non-Vegans, Staplers and Nuclear Weapons" and the "MIT Club for Testing Nuclear Explosions on Unsuspecting Canadian Universities" may see this advantage realized in the near future.
Administration[edit]
President Dr. Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla
Was appointed as school President on March 1st, 2010. On February 28th, 2010, it was suggested by the degrading SFU Philosophy department that Dr. Iginla could have only made that pass if he were truly one with the force.
Vice-President Dr. Sidney Patrick Crosby
Was appointed as school Vice-President shortly after the transformation of the Ravens Cafeteria in West Mall to a Tim Hortons. Dr. Crosby's game winning goal against the United States of Arrogance prompted some intense criticism. Some feel that Dr. Crosby should have be appointed as school President, however some feel as if Dr. Iginla's experience was a deciding factor. Dr. Crosby has been unavailable for comment.
Athletic Director Dr. Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo
Dr. Dikembe Mutombo will begin his run as Athletic Director pending his return from the Congo. The nature of his time there is unknown, but some speculate that he is currently and secretly founding the Congolese Basketball Association (CBA), a project that has been in the works since Michael Jordan's original retirement in 1998. Dr. Magic Johnson of the SFU research and development department suggests that the newly formed CBA will become more watched than the Negro Basketball Association by 2021.
On December 29th, 2009, the SFU forums were lit up with disappointment over the appointment of Dr. Patrice Bergeron as Minister of Cost Canada the Gold Medal Single Handedly Affairs. However, some say that Dr. Bergeron has answered critics by just narrowly failing to screw Canada out of a gold medal.
Clubs[edit]
Clubs at SFU are 100% Christ-Approved. All 50 clubs at Simon Fraser require membership to at least 3 local churches and direct permission from God, Jesus and 3 crazy televangelists to get in. There are many business clubs and Asian clubs at Simon Fraser (there are also a few Asian-Business clubs), but all are still Christian. Even the Atheist, Muslim, Jewish and other kooky religious clubs are nominally Christian Clubs. Religious Fundies afraid of leaving private school and going into the big, bad Secular world seem to flock to these clubs. But even the "Big, Bad Secular World Club of Cynics" considers Christ their LORD and SAVIOR. Praise Jesus! Amen.
There was once a film club that went underground in 2007 following UN investigations into the numerous erotic snuff films and prisoner beheading videos that were openly produced by the studio.
Athletics[edit]
SFU has a football team that, despite its wellknown and constant failures, no one even sees play. All the football players still wear their sweatsuits, and often their helmets, around campus for the sole purpose of getting laid. Simon Fraser Swimmers have "Speedo" backpacks, which hold their "Speedo" swimsuits, but sadly their Olympic-sized pool has been concreted in and replaced with another Renaissance coffee shop. They now practice in Reflection Pond. The SFU cricket team found success last year as the 2005 Canadian University Cricket champions. Being the only university cricket team in Canada, they won by merely playing with themelves during the championship match.
Satellite Campuses[edit]
SFU has 2 other campuses besides the isolated Burnaby Mountain Campus.
SFU Harbour Centre is a building that houses nothing but mature students studinging gerontology so they know what the fuck is going on when they are put into a home, start dying, are put into a hospital, continue dying, and are finally killed in their sleep in order to be mashed up and made into re-enforcing goo for the building of more concrete structures on the Burnaby Mountain Campus.
SFU Surrey is located in the middle of most degenerated shit-hole known to man: Whalley. Towering above the cesspool of drug addicts, mentally retarded janitors and prostitutes hoarding around the Surrey Central Transit Loop is the SFU tower where aspiring Business, Arts, Interactive Arts, and Computer Science students of SFU Surrey learn how to avoid such miserable lives. Although situated in a mall, SFU Surrey is not a boutique, factory outlet or department store. People who attempt to enter the campus without authorization get the shit kicked out of them by a large, ugly security guards who enjoy watching yuppie concerts at the single BLENZ coffee shop located at this strange satellite of Simon Fraser. If you look closely at the tile arrangement in front of the door entering SFU Surrey from the mall, you will see a set of newly chipped out and replaced tiles that spells out "Zellers". They are replaced when TechBC took over the lease from Zellers back in 1999.
Douglas College and Kwantlen students frequent the campus to study in a more peaceful environment than their sub-standard facilities which often include lack of parking, high-schoolesque settings, and sub-standard teaching.
WQB[edit]
In 2006, Simon Fraser University initated a new undergraduate graduation requirement called Wacko, Queer, and Bizzar requirement. It requires students to take courses that they absolutely hate and have 90% chance of failing so the University can make more money out of students. In fact, Simon Fraser University is the only profitable unversity in the world, and is not subsidized by governments at all. 100% of profits go to inflate the profitability of large cement firms such as Lafarge.