Topanga Lawrence
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“Her interpretive dance is so hot I'd almost go straight for her. Almost.”
Topanga Lawrence, Queen of the Hippies, holds the title for most successful freak-outs and best hair.
History[edit]
Topanga was born to a pair of hippies in 1975. Being on the move constantly would have messed up an ordinary kid, but Topanga was a weirdo. She didn't need to be in one place for too long to freak people out. Her favorite methods involved gathering static electricity with her hair and shocking people, or interpretive dance. The former method had a downside, though-her hair was a mess of frizzy curls for six years, forcing her to stop. At age 13, she discovered leave-in conditioner. Problem solved!
As she grew older, she went from crazy and cute to batshit and sexy. Members of both sexes would stop to stare at her boobs, and lifelong pals Shawn and Cory stopped looking at her as a weirdo and started fighting over who would get to sex her up first. In the end, they had a threesome.
Topanga became Queen of the Hippies at seventeen, when the former queen suddenly died of flaming vagina. Thus began her reign of terror.
Hard times[edit]
At first, Topanga was a shitty queen. She was neurotic and bossy and would allow her subjects to smoke filter-tipped marijuana. People fought constantly, and at one point the Hippie Kingdom was compared to Harry Potter fandom. A few members quit the kingdom to get jobs and contribute to society, others committed suicide by eating tainted pork.
Topanga realized she had hit rock bottom one night when she tripped over a big rock shaped like an ass and hit her head on a tree. Jerry Garcia came to her in a dream and taught her the secrets of being a leader.
That night, the Hippie Kingdom took a turn for the better. Topanga did away with all the oppressive rules and declared equal rights for all. Thus came the Golden Age of Hippie Freak-Outs.
The Golden Age[edit]
From 1993 to 2003, Topanga led many a great freak-out and formed the Kingdom into a giant rock band. They played at festivals, homecoming dances, shortcoming prances, and off-site team-building pottery classes worldwide and were featured in High Times magazine over 5 times...per issue. Life was sweet.
But it had to end sooner or later. People were getting older, and it was time to go out and face the real world. Which sucked absolute ass. So after their final show, they staged a three-day orgy and pot party, which ended in tearful goodbyes.
Today[edit]
Topanga married Cory Matthews in an outdoor ceremony and they live in a small apartment in New York. They've become respectable members of society, but Cory wears rainbow boxers and Topanga still likes to shock people with interpretive dance. They stll play In-a-gadda-da-vida when they have sex.
Shawn Hunter fell in love with activist Angela Moore and they moved to Colorado. They live in sin and have two kids.
Eric Matthews was arrested for driving without pants on and forced to do 40 hours of community service stuffing envelopes for the Free Hats for Fat People charity organization, where he met and married Rachel McGuire. They raise Furbies for a living.
Jack Hunter was killed in The Great Aspie War of Ought Six. His million-dollar business I'mJack Dot Com was shut down a year later due to poor towel sales. Every year his employees leave offerings of pie and fish sticks at his grave.
Joey "The Rat" Epstein works as a slave for the FBI. He keeps vowing revenge on Meg Griffin, but is continually thwarted by those meddling kids and that damned dog.
Frankie Stecchino won the World Cup in clog dancing. He sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Morgan Matthews went missing in action during The Great Aspie War of Ought Six. She's presumed dead or on fire.
Joshua Matthews is a pimp at the local high school. You name it, he's hit it.
Quotes[edit]
“I'd hit it.”
“He hits it, I hit him.”
“One of the biggest natural racks on television!”
“I hate when Joey sleep walks. He keeps babbling about this Topanga and her sexy parties.”
“I got high with her a few times. It was awesome.”