Liberal Party of Canada
| Fiberal Party of Canada | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Leader | Justin Trudeau |
| Founder | Al Capone |
| Founded | July 1st, 1867 |
| Ideology | Loansharking, embezzlement, fraud, professing fiscal liberalism yet practicing staunch fiscal conservativism |
| Political position | Liberalism |
| Affiliation | Hells Angels, the Mafia, NAMBLA, Security and Prosperity Partnership, Pedophiles, Mobsters, Murderers |
| House seats | Not enough |
| Senate seats | Not as many as before |
The Fiberal Party of Canada (a.k.a. Clear Grits or Masters or Libel Party or Red Tories is one of the ruling councils of the Illuminati. It once had a dictatorial hold on Canada, its people, and its diaspora from Minnesota to Miami. Comparisons to the Soviet Communist Party are mistaken, as the Fiberals have been far more successful than the Commies in executing evil right-wing conservative type plans. After a massive, rocking, core-shaking, media-created scandal involving the covert welfare-sponsorship of corporate criminals and fascist infiltrators working to sterilize all Quebec males and eventually give Canada away to the United States, they were overthrown and replaced by the right-wing Conservative Party of Canada.
Political beliefs[edit]
The Fiberal Party is an empty moral void with no real principles whatsoever, other than to say things which will steal NDP votes and win the election. However, they have many campaign spiels that resemble real political beliefs, including the following:
- Raising current welfare rates for large, profitable businesses and banning the truly poor from collecting any welfare
- Legalization of the possession of Cannabis, but increasing criminalization of the purchase, ingestion, display, or passing mention of it. And it will still be illegal to carry any on you
- Mandatory abortions for some, abortions outlawed for others. All abortions preformed in unregulated non-funded legal back-alley clinics
- Raising personal income taxes, lowering or abolishing business taxes or taxes for the rich completely
- Solving half of the problem every time they are elected. This of course means the problem will never get solved. Thus the Liberal Party slogan: "We make everything slightly less bad".
- Surrendering to Terrorists and the American diplomats
- Converting the Army for use solely in Civil War Reenactments, and Hollywood peacekeeping. Also, slashing military salaries
- A mandatory expensive private day-care system in which all children are indoctrinated with Canadian, capital 'L' Liberal propaganda
- Making men subservient to women
- Making white, Christian, straight men into non-unionized factory workers and expendable customer service associates
- Making littering a more serious crime than murder
- Restoring Canada's inclusion in the Kyoto Protocol and strangely ramping up emissions and pollution as much as possible
- Use of pay-per-use health care will be deemed totally legal yet kind of frowned upon and mandatory for those who cannot afford it
- Heavily infiltrating the NHL with government bureaucracy and red-tape to the point where it is played as more of a chess-type game
Organization[edit]
The Fiberal Party is organized like a pyramid (a favorite Illuminati symbol). Local Fiberal cells (ridding associations) act as the main instrument of the Party's rule; providing the government with the population whereabouts, disbursing graft in an equitable and fair manner to local minions, and of course, grooming children for into Party rituals. Each of these cells are controlled by the provincial party apparatus, the true power in most provinces (except in Newfoundland and Labrador, which is unimportant).
The national headquarters is located in an underwater base in Hudson Bay (cobbled together from part of the Titanic and part of the Hindenburg). From here, it can network other national oligarchies, kleptocracies, organized criminal organizations, and other hellspawn. It also decides the fate of ordinary Canadians with a single mouse click. Unfortunately, the Liberal Party's doom button is Out of Order, and this has led to a Tory romp somewhere on the ice in Nunavut.
History[edit]
The Fiberal Party was formed by John Cabot's first mate, a member of the Liberano$, an Italian secret society. These Liberano$ appeared during the British invasion of New France. While Canadian children are taught that the battle of the plains of Abraham decided the fate of the nation, it was not true. Both Wolfe and Montcalm were members of the British and the French arms of the Liberano$. They predetermined the battle's outcome.
Leadership[edit]
The Party is ultimately led by the Wisemen's Committee, a secret group of 12 men. They are assisted by the Secretariat, lead by General Secretary Martin Short.
To protect these men, the party choose a puppet leader as their public face, currently Justin Trudeau, Earth's prettiest, most sparkliest pony. Before Trudeau, Michael Ignatieff, brother of Dracula, or Count Chocula served as leader. However, just as his Eastern European forefathers, he could not stand against the might of mustachioed socialist revolutionaries. Prior to Ignatieff, the "leader" was Stephane Dion, who was forced out by the Wisemen (despite his denials) after he lost, to all things, a poorly made robot.
