Sunbury, Victoria
| Sunbury | |
|---|---|
| Motto: Why dig a hole when you can go to Sunbury | |
| State | Victoria |
| Official nickname | Scumbury |
| Official language(s) | Bogan English |
| Mayor | Ivan Milat |
| Established | 1834 |
| Re-Established | 1883 |
| Re-Re-Established | 2010 |
| Currency | Beer and dope |
| Opening hours | Shut off from public when possible |
Sunbury is an underground suburb of Melbourne, Australia mainly inhabited by bogans, who may be somewhat unaware that they are living underground as they have been living here since 1883 when the first Ashes test cricket match was played there. This match was hosted in Sunbury, however soon after the cricketers had left the oval the locals residents mugged them, sending them packing on a train to Melbourne. After the Sunbury test match these cricketers decided never to go there ever again; on the grounds of their own wellbeing and sanity. Soon after these events, those with properties outside of Sunbury laid the perimeter of the town with Dynamite to blow it under the ground. However, the quantity of dynamite required was heavily overestimated, causing the town to end up approximately 400 meters underground. Within the next century the town had grown into an overcrowded underground city. To those outside of the town Sunbury became colloquially known as Scumbury, reflecting it's inhabitants and quality of life.
If you have a V-line train timetable you will notice a sunbury stop it is really a lift surrounded by armed guards. Passers through this lift are given a sanity and eye test before they can take a train and will be shot on sight if they carry a knife or other cutlery. Recently a government add Campain has urged people not to go to Sunbury for their own safety titled "Sunburied". However there is currently a rumor spreading around that the real culprit of Sunbury being shot underground is Brother Kyle who if you didn't know is one angry dude. The reasoning is that there was a reported mushroom cloud and with no nukes around it must have been Brother Kyle. Even though he is currently in year nine at Daylesford Secondary College that is no excuse for being around over one hundred years ago to blow up Sunbury. Usually in this sort of offence he would be taken to prison but the government awarded him a medal for ensuring the safety of the entire state by getting rid of The unspeakable hole. At least it's not Diggers...
Culture[edit]
“What kind of retarded city talk is that?!”
Oh god where to begin obviously with a nickname of Scumbury you would think this town is full to the brim with Bogans and you would be spot on. The average I.Q level of a Scumburian is about 50.6 just enough to contain the information of being underground. Once there was a citizen of Scumbury that had an I.Q level of 101 she had figured out by the age of five that she would die if she stayed here so she actually passed the sanity test and went on to become a pharmacist and an earlier career as a checkout clerk. Obviously a one off but this made Scumburians think that there actually was brains in their own heads. Activities that Scumburians engage in are 79 forms of barfights 400 forms of boxing and 6 million forms of general fighting, in fact if these inbred bogans could actually pass sanity tests they could probably get into WWE with ease. Then afterward get banned from living outside the hole after one charge of kicking a ref in the balls. But it's not all that bad because if you went there you'd feel superior to them. Jobs there are seriously simple but most people quit them after a while because they don't want to be tied down to a career.
In fact, it's considered something of a suicidal gesture to be literate in Sunbury; proving your literacy by reading a book or magazine in a public place will earn you filthy looks and occasional physical assaults from passing bogans. To be extra-safe, it's recommended that you adopt an expression of complete neural inactivity when in the presence of someone wearing a 'Unit' shirt.
Areas of cultural impact in Sunbury were all burnt down in the Great Burn off of Sunbury during mid February 1983 (Not to be confused with the Ash Wednesday fires, which was much smaller and more controlled).
70's Music Concert[edit]
“They called us pooftas!”
“You are pooftas”
Some time during the early seventies Sunbury was host to an international music concert. Unaware that Sunbury was the biggest shithole apart from Frankston in the entire world, these people were about to close the case if there is any intelligent life in Sunbury. Thousands of Bogans assembled in the main street of Sunbury to give the bands the typical Sunbury welcome which involves calling them fuckin' poofs which is an everyday greeting in Sunbury. Queen were a punky band from England were not used to this Sunbury welcome which made them come to the following conclusions: If you can count past five, If you have a girlfriend and If you decide that You have a brain you will be called a poofta. After the festival no one ever tried to stage anything there ever again which explains Scumburians still thinking that it is 1975 since that a comedy festival was scheduled and later scuttled.
Education, (Lack of)[edit]
Education services in Sunbury are beyond sub-standard in quality, but the rate of suicides have dropped from 54 per week to 53 per week which is a very good sign for schools with a quality level of sunbury schools. The Schools are Sunbury Primary School, Sunbury High School and Sunbury Downs Secondary College (the best with only 0 suicides a week). The schools teach a variety of useful information for living in Sunbury, like where to buy beer where to stab people and where to steal from.
Sport[edit]
The town also has an Aerial Ping Pong team who are based just outside the hole, armed guards drive a bus so they can get to their games safely without hurting anyone. They are also checked for weapons before each match before and after they get on the bus. If any of these players gets to a pro skill level they are closely watched by the government and snipers in case they take out a knife while playing. The town also has a champion Bar-Fighting team which have excelled both locally and internationally .Otherwise they won a trophy in backgammon because the results disappeared from the hall of fame Mathew Beech won Sunbury's got Talent.
(No) Future[edit]
The so called future of Sunbury is seriously more bleak than you could imagine possibly because you wouldn't want to imagine it so the idea is put off. Another reason for not thinking about the future of this Hole is that it is easily unnoticed or not cared about.In 2006 a plan was put together to once and for all to fill in this hole with statewide rubbish from tips (mostly the town of Frankston). The known date for starting is 1st of July 2011, unlike the finishing date which is unclear. Over this Hole will be a museum to a true Australian Hero (Shane Warne) and his glorious career of texting, smoking, drinking, texting, sometimes playing cricket, being banned (which is apparently like being a victim of the Bali Bombing), texting, endorsing products, having sex with a countless number of women and don't forget texting.