State University of New York at Plattsburgh

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Plattsburgh State University
SUNY Plattsburgh1.jpg
Amitié Plaza in front of the Angell College Center, with a special visit by the Weinermobile
Motto "Only Two Suicides Per Year!"
Established 1834
School type Pubic
Head Probably not Anthony Weiner
Location Plattsburgh, New York, United States
Campus Clean and somewhat small
Enrollment 6,543 undergrads
1,458 "lifers"
3 graduates
Endowment Huge
Faculty 270
Mascot Cardinal

The State University of New York at Plattsburgh (also known as SUNY Plattsburgh or Plattsburgh State) is a liberal arts college in the State University of New York system that is located in Plattsburgh, New York. Plattsurgh State University was founded by John A. Macdonald in 1834 after a drunken night fighting moose in northern Canada. Waking up from the bloody battle, Macdonald was amazed to see he'd constructed several modern edifices entirely out of empty Molson and Labatt bottles. Despairing at recovering his deposit for the bottles (most of which were slightly damaged), he decided to, in his words, "make lemons from lemonade"[1], and shortly thereafter he incorporated the whole thing as a university.

SUNY Plattsburgh has over seventy programs for academic scholarship, including drinking, the amorous arts of love, and hockey. The campus population of over 6,000 students is notable for its lack of intellectual ability and its unerring ability to buy alcohol instead of books. There are a large amount of academic halls, but recently the student government passed a law making these into bars and strip clubs.

SUNY Plattsburgh is located in the upper regions of New York, near the Canadian border; however, as both the United States and Canada hotly deny any assertions that SUNY Plattsburgh is within their boundaries, the university may be said to be a "university without a country".

Campus Life[edit]

Campus life at SUNY Plattsburgh is lively. While many residence halls hold programs for sober people, they are sparsely attended, as there is no alcohol present[2]. Much of the "action" happens off-campus, where the numerous bars, eateries, and unapproved activities are located. SUNY Plattsburgh has mandated that all students move off-campus by their second semester, in hopes that "Larry" (the single bedbug currently in residence) will be, at the very least, severely confused by the constant turnover.[3].

Arts program[edit]

As a liberal arts college, SUNY Plattsburgh offers programs encompassing everything from sculpture, painting and ceramics to graphic design, multimedia, and photographing your junk from inside your pants. Meanwhile, the Plattsburgh State Art Museum, located on-campus, has a long and storied history of supporting and nurturing contemporary and modern artists; as a "museum without walls"[4], it boasts numerous outdoor areas for the display and storage of loose scrap metal and spare pottery. Indeed, SUNY Plattsburgh's policy of recycling scrap metal for anyone who can transport it to the university museum has won them many accolades, especially from cities in rust-belt states with surplus machinery.

Many themes are covered by the university's outdoor displays, including "rusty metal", "chromed metal", "crushed metal", "the decay of Man's endeavors", and "the relentless crushing of students under unsupportable tuition demands". Heady stuff.

The Nina Winkel Sculpture Court, located in the Myers Fine Arts Building, houses the largest display in the country devoted to the art of just one woman...and her tremendous busts.

SUNY Plattsburgh and Canada[edit]

SUNY Plattsburgh has a long history with Canada, notably with its founder being John A. Macdonald, who built the campus out of beer bottles. Much of the art on the campus today consists of remnants of the original buildings, which were destroyed in the infamous riot of 1968, where hockey players on the Plattsburgh State team clashed with hippies over the status of the college in regards to Canada.

SUNY Plattsburgh's student body has long yearned for the free embrace of Canada, as Canada's border (and more importantly, its freely-granted supply of delicious moderate socialism) is a mere twenty paces north of the school's main campus. However, as Canada's government points out[5], the campus is lodged fully within the bounds of upstate New York, and thus it falls completely under the jurisdiction of the United States—much to that country's dismay.

Notable Alumni[edit]

Notable alumni of SUNY Plattsburgh include that actor who's married to Sean Penn and who played that weird dude that Tom Cruise killed with a shovel[6], as well as...hold on, I'm certain there are more...just a know, for a school this size, you'd think there would be someone say, a New York congressman infamous for scandals involving photos of his (ahem) OK, then.

Other Important Events[edit]

  • Oscar Wilde briefly attended SUNY Plattsburgh, but was kicked out after setting fire to the English Department office.
  • The campus was used for filming They Live, during the filming of which fourteen local children were shot on the campus grounds.
  • The band Ku Klux Klan played here in 2001, resulting in a campus-wide peace vigil.


  1. One may explain this slip of the tongue by remembering that the alcohol had yet to completely wear off.
  2. Didn't see that coming.
  3. ZOMG! BEDBUG FOUND AT SUNY PLATTSBURGH!, Fox44 News, December 13, 2010
  4. Or art, really
  5. With what some have called "undue glee"
  6. Well, I assume he killed him with a shovel; it happened off-screen, because Steven Spielberg is a pussy when it comes to overt depictions of violence.