“If it wasn't for them pesky kids, I'd have been a challenger.”
“If it wasn't for them pesky challengers, I'd have pestered some kids.”
The Spinks Challenge began nearly 3,000 years ago in a cave on a lazy, hazy summer afternoon. It started with a slightly gnarled Dinosaur bone chucked in anger at the wall after surprising the gnasher and denting his molar. It amazingly stuck in a 2" eye in the cave wall. Spinkus Spunkus Dribulus, a bachelor of the parish, took stock of the flighted bone and chewed himself two more before chucking once again wallward. Both struck the eye. Before the passing of two moons, he had visitors from as far afield as Bootle and West Derby queueing at the cave entrance with Yak's innards brimming with Asti Spumante begging to toss some bone.
3,000 years later and the caves of North Scouseland once again hosted this most intellectual of activities. Athletes with brains the size of Einstein's left nipple assemble every fine once in a while to eat fine food, drink fine Stella, discuss fine matters and throw finely contoured Dinosaur bones at next door's finely adjoining wall. The first to begin this journey to the past was Britain's own answer to, 'Who ate all the Scouse', Gary Spinks. A mere mortal with Godlike abilities to toss a bone, the Spinks soon found a talent for assembling a bunch of delusional no-hopers around him to listen to the Clarion calls of '21', '42' and more commonly '17'. Knowing how to add up large numbers is not necessary at this tournament where one eighty tends to mean an 80 was the highest three dart score of the night.
The Now (again)
Darts tournaments come in different shapes, sizes and feel. The Spinks Challenge tournament is no different to any other except that it is oblong, 3 foot tall and is squishy to the touch. Played under the auspices of the 'Marquis de Webby Etiquette of Darts', it is customary to turn up every two years and sometimes the following month and to be completely Rat Arsed. If you happen to be the named driver then you are likely to be booed all the way to the semi-final where your host will supply you with more vintage bootleg than most human legs can carry. Trophys are awarded at whim and sometimes over a year after the event has been settled.
Hosts traditionally employ Machiavellian tactics to ensure that they are victorious including hiring Phil 'The Tufty' Taylor to take part as a walk on girl and lacing Les 'The Skinflint' Ball's Bolognese with 40,000 Red Savina habañeros with a rating of 180 Scoville Heat Units. A heat with an embarassment equivalence to sleeping with the Kylie Minogue twins whilst being filmed by the British National Party for an election broadcast on a very, very cold day. No competitor has yet died from the Spinks Challenge despite medical advice.
It is well known that on average, professional darters are composed mainly of:
- 40% Failed pub landlords
- 30% Laundry Women
- 22% Indestructible Cockroach People
- 14% Published poets
....... is very nice in the summer, not that Spinks Challenge lads would ever notice, what with being tied to the local hostelry and Darts and Pool competitions and fleecing old fellas that chance by and that barmaid.......
- 2007 - The Shuffle
- 2009 - Mad Dutch Bastard
- 2009 - The Skinflint
- Darters - Rat Arsed - retards - red rats
- Phil Taylor - Payroll hit - Hail Portly
Bone Tossing Quotes
“I do not agree with darts, but I will defend to the death your right to toss bone.”
“Darts never damages a cause that is just.”
“Well if I can't win, I'm off!”
“Comfort me with darts, for I am sick of love.”
“No man who has ever spent a day playing darts would choose to waste his time with politics.”
“All you need is darts.”
“How strange that a person will carefully attend to his home or his finances, yet will completely neglect the development of his throwing arm.”