Sperm count
Sperm count is a part of a typical medical examination in which the doctor asks the patient to produce a sample and examines it under a microscope to verify that the patient's testicles are functioning normally and, alas, does not need copious additional Billable Hours.
Etymology[edit]
The sperm count gets its name from Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain, the American basketball player whose claim to have bedded down 20,000 women earned him the title Count Sperm.
Pre-employment[edit]
Many large employers who provide health insurance as a term of employment require that new hires undergo a medical exam including a sperm count, the employer thereby assuring that the additional Billable Hours not be billable to it. The new hire submits to the exam but wonders whether the sperm count is done to determine how readily the employer will be able to screw the hire.
The typical patient is a teenage boy who does not care in the least what his sperm count is, except that he would like it to be zero, so that he could "sow his wild oats" without successfully sowing anything. In this situation, the typical doctor does not care either, as the pre-employment form is usually satisfied with just a check-mark. As the patient's parents are out in the waiting room, the doctor does not obtain actual semen but merely a urine sample to look at with a microscope.
However, the typical patient has also masturbated in the preceding two hours and is secretly terrified that the urine sample will lead the doctor to find that the patient's testicles are drastically overproducing and achieve Billable Hours and interminable embarrassment.
Fertility clinics[edit]
The other occasion that calls for a sperm count is a visit to the fertility clinic. A young couple has been unsuccessfully "trying for months" to conceive and the potential mother, who the father has just discovered is domineering and adversarial, wants to know exactly whose fault it is. In this case, the doctor wants to know not just the count of sperm but their quality and motivation.
Wikipedia tells us that the doctor will conduct physical analysis of the semen (color, odor, pH, etc.),[1] as well as microscopic analysis of whether they are swimming around and whether they look like normal, self-respecting sperm. This source also says a correct result requires two or preferably three analyses, days or weeks apart. See above at Billable Hours.
The article states that the patient should abstain from masturbation for two to seven days before giving the sample. It was written by basement-dwellers who have not done that in their lives. At the end of that interval, the article advises that the best way to avoid damage to the sample in transit is for the patient to produce the sample right in the clinic. To avoid interminable embarrassment, or even mere interminability, clinics have devised several innovations. Co-location with porn shops is the most popular one. Another involves the use of so-called candy-stripers. Actual sex is contraindicated, as doctors believe it is the worst thing for sperm. Bringing the sample to the clinic in a condom is also contraindicated, as these have fragrances that presumably make it impossible to tell if the sample "smells okay."
Accuracy[edit]
One source indicates that, even when the tests come back negative, in 30% of the cases there is a sperm abnormality. Conversely, men with poor results can go on to father children. This is to say the clinic provides no useful information.
In the future, computer-assisted semen analysis, which has a cute acronym, may become dominant. This may use imaging, Artificial Intelligence, and other hocus pocus to produce almost perfect results. Theranos, Inc. touted one apparatus the size of a bread-box that gave results in five minutes. Unfortunately, it was a bread-box, and lead impresario Elizabeth Holmes and most of the early investors are now in prison.