Sperm count

Chamberlain indicating his sperm count preceding the evening's basketball game.

Sperm count is a part of a typical medical examination in which the doctor asks the patient to urinate into a cup and examines the output under a microscope to verify that the patient's testicles are functioning normally and, alas, does not need copious additional Billable Hours.

Applications

The typical patient is a teenage boy who does not care in the least what his sperm count is, except that he would like it to be zero, so that he could "sow his wild oats" without successfully sowing anything. The typical patient has also masturbated in the preceding two hours and is secretly terrified that the urine sample will lead the doctor to find that the patient's testicles are drastically overproducing and achieve Billable Hours and interminable embarrassment.

Many large employers who provide health insurance as a term of employment require that new hires undergo a medical exam including a sperm count, the employer thereby assuring that the additional Billable Hours not be billable to it. The new hire submits to the exam but wonders whether the sperm count is done to determine how readily the employer will be able to screw the hire.

Etymology

The sperm count gets its name from Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain, the American NBA player whose claim to have bedded down 20,000 women earned him the title Count Sperm.

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