Erwin Rommel

Erwin Rommel: The Desert Fox. Whilst in Africa he was considered an attention seeking whore.

Erwin Johannes Eugen Rommel (15 November 1891 – 14 October 1944), popularly known as The Desert Fox, was a German hero of World War II. He earned the respect of both his own troops and the enemies he fought; however, he never earned the respect of his father, "Steve" Erwin Rommel. Rommel was a highly underrated officer in World War I and was awarded a stick which was a well deserved and appropriate reward for his exploits in World War I. In World War II, he further distinguished himself as being the only commander who led a division of ghosts into battle during the 1940 invasion of France.

His leadership of German and Italian forces in the North African-American campaign established him as one of the most able commanders of the war, and earned him the appellation of being the foxiest. He is regarded as one of the most skilled chef of desert warfare in the conflict for thinking of the revolutionary new concept of cooking eggs on a tank. He later commanded the German forces opposing the Allied invasion of Normandy. While Rommel is regarded as an unscrupulous Nazi war criminal who was a favourite of Adolf Hitler, his AfriKa-AmeriKan Korps was never accused of hate crimes, and soldiers captured during his Africa-American campaign were reported to have been treated surprisingly well and received many "body massages".

Orders to kill Jewish terrorists, Zionists and captured enemy soldiers that attempted to kill him were ignored. Later in the war, Rommel was linked to the plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler. Since Rommel was a national treasure, Hitler desired to sleep with him quickly. Hitler tricked Rommel into taking some kind of special "pill" by threating to murder his family. Rommel was soon after found dead for some reason. When he died he was given a state funeral and later a nice museum.

Early life

In South Germany born and raised on a motorcycle is where he spent most of days building hang gliders and serving as headmaster of Aalen Academy. At a certain point in his life, Rommel wanted to be an engineer but his father told him to join the army. Rommel, afraid that his father would never respect him, obeyed. He started studying at officer school while serving in the army. Meanwhile, the future general got married to some chick and their relationship soon produced a non-male baby, resulting in Rommel 'needing some time apart'. Rommel soon meet his under-aged time-travelling future wife Lucie. After spending twelve long years together, Lucie succeeded where his previous wife failed and managed to have a grotesque baby boy named Man-Freak. Rommel, not knowing the name of his own daughter, referred to her as 'Rommel's niece' and kept a very close non-platonic relationship with her. Rommel's son Man-Freak later became mayor of a stupid backward small town that no-one will ever care about.

World War I

You can just feel the excitement emanating from Erwin Rommel after being given a stick as his only reward for his efforts during the war.

During World War I, Rommel fought in France as well as in Romania (see: Vampires) and Italy, first in the Württemberg Infantry Regiment, but through most of the war in the elite Württemberg Mountain Battalion. He gained a reputation for great cowardliness, making quick tactical retreats and running away whilst the enemy was confused. Rommel was awarded the Iron Cross in 1914 to fend off vampires, and once again when he lost his first one in 1915. Rommel gained success leading small groups of men, infiltrating through the enemy defences under the cover of darkness, moving forward rapidly to their rear areas, attacking and penetrating the defenders with the element of surprise. In 1918 he joined the Thule Society, Germany's highest order, equivalent to the The Black Hand or the Illuminati. Membership was extended to him due to his leadership in penetrating the enemy in the north-eastern Alps on the river front. This was the Battle of Long-Rod and the penetration of Mount Gaping and its Italian defenders, which totalled 150 suicides, 9,000 deserters, and 81 people who actually defended the mountain. In contrast, Rommel's detachment suffered only before the battle, a remarkable achievement. For a time, Rommel served in the same German army as Hitler, who, unlike Rommel, never rose to the rank of Field Marshal during World War II. Rommel was given a very important and highly fashionable stick as a token of appreciation for all his hard work during World War I.

Post World War I

After World War I, because of Rommel's Ebonics, he was looked downed upon by the German High Command so he spent his time writing books like World Wars Episode II: Attack of the Infantry. He also wrote his war diaries, which are still studied today. Adolf Hitler came to power and then had Rommel go to Hitler Youth camps, where he inspected little boys alone for hours on end. Hitler also had him march around Germany to boost its moral. Now-Oberstleunant Rommel, got really upset about the SS marching with him (on Himmler's orders) and threw a hissy fit until they left, upon which he would resume marching. Sometime later Rommel met Joseph Goebbels and they became best buddies after being impressed by each other when they met. One day while on a train with Hitler, Rommel and Goebbels sneaked off to have sex. After doing the deed with Rommel, Goebbels began to spread lies about how Colonel Rommel was a hero, a competent commander, and even going as far as to say that Rommel had finally earned his father's respect. The lies continued for quite some time until Rommel threw yet another hissy fit over Goebbels's blatant lies. Rommel, being the Honest Abe that he was, forced Goebbels to retract his slanderous statements.

World War II

Poland 1939

During the invasion of Poland, Rommel acted as Hitler's escort, seeing a lot of Hitler. After Poland lost, which was inevitable, Rommel went back to Berlin to organize a victory parade for Hitler. Rommel was asked to help out one of his wife's relatives, a Polish priest, but when Rommel asked the Gestapo about the priest they tried playing stupid and pretended not to know who he was talking about.

Surrender of France and invasion of Belgium

After Poland got wrecked by the Germans it was finally time for the Germans to accept the French surrender. But before they could do that they had to go through Belgium, which took four days, just to meet France's most elite force, the Ardennes Forest. The German forces, surrounded and out-numbered by the Ardennes, against all odds managed to narrowly defeat them. After Germany's biggest obstacle in France was out of the way, Rommel's forces went around fighting what little remained of the Belgians. Rommel, now promoted to general, retaliated by setting some houses on fire. Once he was in France he spent his time improving his tactics, and proved he was really good at blitzkrieg. After six brutal weeks of being bored out of their minds doing nothing, the Germans finally received France's letter of surrender, which would have come much sooner. The French were too scared and had run away in the meantime.

Ghost Division

It is interesting to note that during the French capaign, Rommel led a division of ghosts that frightened his enemies. This 'Ghost Division' also set the record for the the longest thrust in one day. Even though Rommel set a world record and led ghosts into battle, his commanders still hated him, because they were jealous of his rugged good looks and his popularity, especially with Hitler, except for general Georg Stumme, who was really impressed with Rommel's thrusting techniques.

North Africa-America campaign begins

A sketch drawn based on what the U.S. Army thought Rommel looked like.

Due to Rommel's great successes he was given the Afrika-AmeriKan Korps and sent to Libya, in North Africa-America, to help bail out the Italian forces, who were in somewhat of a sticky situation due to the actions of the British. Rommel's adventures in North Africa-America earned him the the spirit animal, the Desert Fox, for which he was named by the press.

Operation Crusader

Rommel, following his success, decided to attack Tobruk. The British, tired of getting pushed around, got a new commander, Auchinleck, who reorganized their armies into three Xs and an X with three Is, which somehow formed an eight. They then gave the units away to Cunningham who was believed to be a super intelligent food item. Auchinleck backed up his homies and launched a huge attack. Rommel, even though he had a lot of people backing him up, was flanked by an eight army who jabbed them with their left hooks. Their plan was going well until Rommel decided to thrust his army southward freaking out the British who thought he was going to attack from the east. Rommel then decided to call it quits and left. The British began to thrust onward toward Rommel's soldiers but were met with fierce resistance and were defeated over the next two days. The British Army, rubbing against the Germans, creeped them out. Aware of his numerical inferiority complex, Rommel began to throw his armour at the British, destroying most of their forces.

Rommel counterattacks

Tired of taking crap from the British, Rommel began to resist and managed a major counter-attack. The British were butthurt and confused and ran away. Auchinleck, realising that he wasn't French, cancelled the retreat. Rommel's tanks began to stall and resistance became too stiff and his progress stopped. The German High Command later made fun of Rommel, saying he was an idiot and let his forces bleed, especially his tank, even though tanks can't bleed. 'Who's the idiot now?', they all said. Of course, another guy also said that Rommel overestimated himself and came to soon. Rommel's attack however would have succeeded if their were more French in the Allied army at the time.

Winter offensive

When Rommel awoke on Christmas morning he found that Santa left him some cool new tanks and began a another attack on the Allies and destroyed 110 of their tanks and took Timimi. The allies pulled back while Rommel set up a thin window screen and sat back and watched as the allies ran away. Rommel then waited to attack until summer. This was the conclusion of the winter offensive which was only called The Winter Offensive because it was in winter and no-one could come up with a good name for it.

End of the Africa campaigns

Thing were going well for Rommel until America got its act together and started putting the hurt on Rommel. After being badly defeated, Hitler senting sent him a message telling him not to retreat. Rommel initially obeyed but then realised that that was stupid idea and then ran away with his army. Rommel just kept on running away until he launched his last assault in Africa that failed. Later, Rommel tried to get Hitler to understand that all of Hitler's military ideas were completely retarded. Hitler failed to comprehend what Rommel was trying to tell him and gave over command of Rommel's troops to someone else. Rommel was moved to Greece and never again saw his beloved Afrika-AmeriKan Korps.

Defending the Atlantic Wall

Rommel was chosen to defend the Atlantic Wall. When he arrived he was amazed by how almost no defenses were being built. Rommel also prepared his special asparagus to act as an obstacle for the Allied invasion. The general also noticed that his defenders were really emo and waiting to die. Then D-Day happened and the Allies began to throw themselves at the Germans. Meanwhile Hitler, the ever-growing genius, sent aid to Pas-de-Calais even thought he was told that the Allies were attacking the beaches of Normandy and that Pas-de-Calais wasn't even under attack. This was because he had a 'hunch' that the Allies might possibly consider thinking about attacking there. The German Command being completely in disarray thanks to Hitler organizational skills somehow was unable to properly respond to the invasion of Normandy. Despite Rommel's best efforts, he failed in defending Normandy. The general was determined to get out of there in his car and began to rotate his tires until a British plane messed up the driver's left arm causing them to crash. Rommel was sent flying. The crash also sent glass shards blowing all over his body and caused him to be hospitalized.

Plot against Hitler

There was always opposition to Hitler even though he made many great contributions to the war. Three of Rommel's closest friends tried to get him to kill Hitler. Rommel agreed to join the plot against Hitler. He then wrote a letter talking trash about Hitler, however he opposed killing Hitler. Instead, he wanted to put Hitler on trial, proving that Rommel was a swell guy. After the plan to kill Hitler failed many of the plotters were arrested and ratted Rommel out. Nazi officials in France also snitched on Rommel saying he was talking smack about Nazism.

Rommel's death

Hitler knew that branding Rommel a traitor would destroy the Nazi morale, with the Nazis being such good people who would never do anything that may be considered bad. Fortunately for Hitler, Rommel mysteriously died after some upstanding Nazis gave Rommel some mysterious pill that they got from Hitler. A little while after Rommel died, a museum was built in his honor. After the war, many World War II veterans of the African-American campaign, including former opponents, would gather at Rommel's tomb to spit on it.

See also

• God
• Legend
• Hero
• Panzers
• Fox
• Desert