Rod Parsley

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The Right Revered Rod Parsley will smite thee with the sword of Old Testament justice and the resurect thee through the only allowable religion.

The Right Reverend Rod Parsley (b. 1957) is a vitriolic psuedo-Christian televangelist from Canal Winchester, Ohio. Parsley oversees World Harvest Church, a pentecostal megachurch in Columbus, Ohio, and the worldwide organization involved with harvesting people who are forced into his form of pseudo-Christianity. His large following notwithstanding, Parsley has often come under attack from mainstream Christians both for his aggressive political activism and for the fact that he often refers to Jesus as "Jeebus". Parsley has also drawn the ire of many Catholics by continually referring to Pope Benedict XVI as a "kraut", though, strictly speaking, he is. Parsley has, however, gained the grudging respect of even his enemies for his ability to make himself sweat profusely any time a situation may warrant it and for a related ability to shed tears, though the latter may be nothing more than a physiological means of removing excess salt from his body.

Despite obvious homosexual tendencies, Parsley is an Uber Social Conservative who believes that sexual congress between a man and woman should only occur if ultimately the woman involved goes into organized labor. Indeed, Parsley's first sexual experience came (pun intended) on his wedding night. The consummation has been reported as being very brief and unsatisfying for his new bride, as well as being out-and-out frightening for Parsley. Employees of the Dayton, Ohio area Motel 6 where the sex occurred reported hearing what can only be described as "an earsplitting queef", presumably emitted by Mrs. Parsley. Shortly thereafter, a visibly shaken and flaccid Parsley was found wandering the hallway near the couple's befouled room muttering unintelligibly to himself.

Parsley has appeared publicly with Conservative toady J. Kenneth Blackwell, who was a candidate for the Republican nomination for Governor of Ohio in May 2006. It was at a political rally on the behalf of Blackwell that Parsley achieved widespread notoriety when, during a rambling and often incoherent introductory speech for Blackwell, Parsley used the terms "porch monkey" and "spearchucker" in connection with Blackwell. Though the overwhelmingly Republican crowd neither noticed nor cared about the gaffe, an embarrassed Parsley apologized and tried to assure the crowd that Blackwell was "one of the good ones". Conspiracy theory Democrats believe that Blackwell, the Ohio Chairman for the 2004 Bush/Cheney reelection campaign "jigged" the votes in favor of his candidate in the November election. Blackwell refutes the claims stating the "Our Lord, Jesus Christ ordained this victory upon my request". Parsley stood behind Blackwell and claimed that news reports of voting irregularities were merely the result of the same left wing, pro-gay media bias that had led to his compulsive masturbation addiction involving Richard Simmons' Sweatin' To The Oldies series. It is also widely believed that Parsley's continuing loyalty is the result of Blackwell's role, as Ohio Attorney General, in getting Parsley's 2003 rape and attempted sodomy convictions overturned on appeal.

Books Allegedly Written By Parsley[edit]

  • Silent No More - Hearkening back to the good old days of Christian persecution complexes, Silent No More "documents" the victimization of Parsley and his particular brand of American wahhabis by liberals and by the vestiges of Christendom not full of assholes like Parsley. That such disproportionately powerful honkies can somehow have a sense of feeling oppressed is a monument to human self-delusion.
  • Culturally Incorrect - The intellectual retarded stepson of Silent No More, Culturally Incorrect represents the externalization of Parsley's insecurities at full flower. Muslims are bad, gays are bad, liberals are bad, Mexicans are bad, Canadians are bad, most everything is bad, but mostly it is Muslims that are bad. To be sure, there are bad Muslims, but Parsley makes a point of saying that they're all bad, even baby Muslims, and especially what he calls "the sand-niggery ones".

The Center for Moral Clarity[edit]

Parsley is also founded the Center for Moral Clarity, an organization that relies upon a crystal ball and Parsley's admitted reliance on angel dust (which he believes to actually derive somehow from angels) to see into the future. Under guidelines established by the Center of Moral Clarity the following edicts for Christians have been issued:

  • This isn't a battle between what's right and what's wrong, it's a battle between God and Democracy and God will smite Democracy and all the heathens who believe in down.
  • Maybe Jesus went out amongst the lepers, not me.
  • God gave us this earth and it’s our responsibility to take from it every gift that God in this earth.
  • Do as I say, not as I do.
  • Use only those verses in the bible that attack your opponents as Jesus would do. All others that should have a role in your life are expendable as a member of the Christian Race.
  • Its high time that Christians like the Right Reverend Rod Parsley take over the government by force because its the Christian thing to do.
  • We need to abolish the IRS because it prevents pastors from campaigning from the lecture unmolested while maintaining the churches tax exempt status.
  • The Jews let the Romans kill our savior Jesus Christ; you remember that the next time you need a bank loan, or a fur, or have to buy a diamond, or a pair of Gucci loafers.
  • You should not have to pay a prostitute extra to have her pee on you; they're going to have to pee anyway, am I right?
  • If there's grass on the field, play ball.
  • Giving your money to the Church is much more important then clothing and feeding the poor.
  • Because you can't feel "anything" (i.e. the pussy), condoms are evil.
  • Ann Coulter is mighty fine example of what it means to be an American. She is also to be held up as the standard of female beauty and womanhood, though an admittedly impossible one to live up to.
  • What's the deal with Grape Nuts? No grapes, no nuts!
  • Abortion constitutes a genocide against African-Americans (sadly, this is a real one).

You're known by the company you keep[edit]

Rod Parsley has allied himself with numerous people of singular repute:

  • Benny Hinn - Faith healer cum televangelist. If Hinn can heal the affilicted as he claims, why can't he get God to restore his hair so he can bag the comb-over?
  • John Hagee - Morbidly obese televangelist and founder and chief pastor of the Cornerstone Church of San Antonio, Texas, a megachurch similar to Parsley's but worse because it is in Texas. Hagee is a pro-Israel anti-semite (yes, it is possible to be both) that, despite his enormous Hutt-like bulk, somehow has the audacity to give nutritional advice to viewers in between rantings on gays and "Islamo-fascists".
  • Pat Robertson - Senile televangelist founder of the 700 Club and of the evangelical madrasah known as Regent University. Aside from 2,000lb leg lifts, Robertson is known for blaming any and every calamity on God's Wrath. What is God angry about? Abortion, mostly. Gays, too. Evidently, God hates fags, and so does Robertson. Ironically, Robertson is the sire of Gordon Robertson, closet homosexual televangelist and presumptive heir to his father's vast ill-gotten fortune.
  • Perry Stone - Effeminate televangelist and prophecy nut, Stone is mostly known for sporting one of the finest "prison pussies" ever seen on television.

External links[edit]