Pontypridd is the largest town in Wales, the shopping spree capital of Europe and home to the world's only war memorial car park. In 2014 and 2015 Pontypridd was named the Chav capital of the UK, receiving the trophy from Kanye West in a ceremony that was televised live around the world.. If it wins it in 2016, it gets to keep it, my precious. Or at least pawn it until Thursday.
The town's rugby club Pontypridd Rfc is famous for winning back to back punch ups in the mid 1990s. Their home ground, Sardis Road or the "House of Pain" is the biggest rugby stadium in Europe and ranked among the best in the world for toilet stench. Derek the weathersheep , Gavin, Stacey and Ivor the Engine are just a few of the celebrities who were conceived behind the grandstand and they often return to watch the mighty Pont.
A recent archaeological excavation in which an ancient burial chamber was found under the old precinct revealed skeletons dating back millions or even hundreds of years. DNA testing showed that the first settlers in Pontypridd probably came from as far as Merthyr.
The darkest time in Pontypridd's History was on 16 January 1627, when the Great Fire of Pontypridd (Yr Tânmawr to the locals) broke out. The Tânmawr was caused by a gas boiler fitted by inexperienced plumbers, and swept across the town destroying important landmarks (like the Otley) and historic buildings (like the Otley). The relief effort after the disaster was one of the most effective in the history of Wales and collections were made all over the country through concerts and special rugby matches. The biggest contribution to the disaster was the play directed by Jonathan Bishop called "Gas Attack: Powel's Plumbing", which toured the world making its debut performance at the Selenium Stadium. It was as a result of this disaster that the Corgi qualification for plumbers was developed, named after the dog that was found torched near the source of the fire. Every year on September 21st, the people of Pontypridd celebrate the death of the plumber that started the fire by placing a model of a plumber on the top of a bonfire and setting it alight. It was a year after the Tânmawr that the National Amalgamated Union of Plumbers Firefighters and Undertakers was formed with its hit single, 'We love you Tânmawr'.
The National Anthem
Pontypridd is well know for its setting at the edge of the rainbow woods and for its green green grass; like that of home. There is also a bridge although no-one crosses it because it's too old.
Labour - always has been, always will be. People from other parties with aspirations need to move to Cardiff, or at least Radyr. Labour in Pontypridd is not to be confused with Nu Labour anywhere else: these guys are old Labour, so always keep some loose change about your person in case you need to pay off a council official - pigs and sheep are preferred to cash.
Facilities and Buildings
The Palace of Petoria Shopping Mall is the centre of a town full of shops. Pontypridd has more than six shops, and a newsagent. It is home to a wide selection of pubs, bars and other pubs.
Pontypridd is home to one of the finest swimming pools in the world. It is kept that way by hard work, scrupulous care and never doing anything as stupid as opening it to let the great unwashed swim there, oh dear me no.
The leprechaun pool boy's from coast of Ireland (the land most notorious to the Xena: warrior princess opening scene) will come after you with six foot machetes if you relieve yourself in the pool. Also there are guards, scotish mafia gaurds near the swimming pool, all fully equipped with 9mm's and AK-47's. So do not try to act like a dodo-head.
War Memorial Carpark
In 1912 the people of Pontypridd built a park for use as a memorial to the dead of the two World Wars planned for the next 50 years. After those wars were over, it was time to develop the site and in 2007 the world's first war memorial carpark was opened after the local council bowed to local pressure from locals pressuring them locally to so bow.
The Renewable Energy Plant
1972 saw the implementation of this ground breaking power plant now known as the old Town Hall. Market traders were asked to dispose of out of date vegetables and fruit within the bio-generator at the rear of the indoor market. The plant is still visible today but is inactive, because the traders would not dispose of rotten goods in this manner. They preferred to dispose of them in the traditional way, by selling it to the general population of Pontypridd. But, alas, the traders have now all moved out. Some have been seen working in the Tesco petrol station - but why not in the fruit and veg department?
This facility was first developed by Jeff Leyshon of Leyshon Street and extended by a descendant a further 400 feet over a mile by the use of Poly Tunnels during the 2010's. A great feat (700 great feet, to be precise) of modern engineering. The construction of this hill was commissioned by the people of Pontypridd to provide a steady flow of water by use of sewers and roads, from Dan-y-coedcae to the lower reaches of Kim Howells Street. Over time this flow established one of the best known Pontypridd landmarks in the form of the river Taff - the new name of former Kim Howells Street. Workers engaged on this project could often be found in Court House Street in a hidden underground kitchen drinking vast amounts of tea and red wine. To this day, the offspring of those Irish navvies can be found in the very same place and in the very same pants.
This area of Pontypridd has been set aside as the 'Welsh Speaking Teacher' enclave. You will not be able to purchase or rent a house without a letter from your Headteacher. So be warned. Although if you write the letter with your left hand after lying on it to make it go numb, it'll look as if somebody else wrote it, so that's OK. Teachers are trusting souls who have never encountered this before and can be easily fooled.
People called "Craig" or "Greg" are rechristened "Graig" immediately on setting foot in Pontypridd. People who cannot set foot in Pontypridd due to a lack of feet are allowed special exemptions until the stump heals.
In 1932 a man was born in Pontypridd. He was called "the voice" because his Mam couldn't afford capital letters. Because of his unusual name he was picked on in school, so at the age of 6 he changed his name to Tom and left Wales for the New World. 65 years later he returned one night to sing some of his songs on top of the war memorial carpark. Then left again.
“A few beers, some ribs, and a dead hooker...yep, lots of fond memories from Ponty Pubs.”
Their are several fine eating and drinking venues in Pontypridd. Whilst most are clustered around the centre of Pontypridd proper, aka Ponty Town, some can be found in outlying areas such as Treforest.
Ponty being a fairly modern town has many people who come to visit you, just to irritate the crap out of you in your own home (Rather than actually having to leave the house to see them). One such Group is the Jehovah's who have the innate ability to turn up on your doorstep when your masterbateing/listening to rock music/nailing the local bike. Given the average IQ of the local's however one cannot help but thank them for stopping the scum from copulating. However those with above average IQ despise them as their ability to knock several IQ points out of your head is disturbing. The local Jehovah's army consists entirely of two young boys who look like they came straight out of a schoolboy themed gay porno and wear "Anti Godlessness" armour which consists of:
- Knife proof vests of Joseph - Added after the first 20 were killed and mugged at the train station.
- Visor of Jesus - Selective ignorance shields against viewing of many of Pontypridd's Lewd acts including public sex, homosexuals kissing and the local Jews.
- Earplugs of Mary Magdalene - When dealing with the local whores who were immune to their righteous speech they discovered each of them wore earplugs made out of fine pubic hair, due to the extreme nature of ponty the church commissioned ear plugs from one of the oldest whores in existence Mary Magdalene to block out the vile speech of the locals. Truly a case of the dumb learning from the dumb. However one unfortunate incident because of a dyslexic logistics officer did lead to the missionerys being commissioned with Madeline ear plugs which we shall not speak of....ever.
This is the hub of the Pontypridd area. Christ it's noble. Like a fackin' national institution, that's what it is.
Alfreds Bar and Grill
No one is really sure how this place came about but wise people (those with jobs) say that one morning a glowing green rock appeared upon the Common high above the town. A man called Inkpen put this stone in his pocket and made his way towards The Market Tav. Then whilst Inkpen was chatting to the resident Druid the rock flew out of his pocket and hit a chap known as Didds smack upon the forehead.
From this point onwards Didds, along with his society of forward-looking birds, have entertained the very strange notion that Ponty is better than everyone else knows it's not. The Druid group -- Inkpen, Didds, Lambert, and Whorter -- bought shares in supermarket groups (but not JS Sanghera's supermarkets, as they are evil and owned entirely by rotters).
As a tax dodge the Druids started Alfreds Bar and Grill. It is a pub, and they have a grill upon which they cook kidneys, leeks, chips, and battered dog's puds.
Addition: Inkpen wishes to be disassociated from the "Alfreds Bar and Grill" enterprise as they couldn't pour a decent pint there if they tried.
This pub sports smoke-crusted rafters, dirty varnish, and a lighting scheme straight from the Caves of Cunmarragagh. Generations of drunken patrons have carved their names on the underside of the bar.
Your grandad will love it. Your dad will like it. You will think its OK. Your Mum will die.
This is a holding area for Rhondda visitors. Tourist coaches arrive 12:00 sharp and passengers receive five pints of watery piss for £2 and a punch in the crutch. Those over 120 years old drink free.
Clwb Y Bont (Also known as The Plaid Club or Yoda Palace)
It is said open Wi-Fi is available here however it was pointed out it was just a new cordless phone.
This is the only place in town to be if you do not want to be a fashion poser. Cheap is the bear as is the beer and the decor. Friday is the best night if you not a Student then thats Thursday doubles for the price of the ice and that sort of stuff with production of NUS card or just cash. Live bands at the weekends, dead bands on Thurs, zombie undead bands on Fri midnight. This place is very dark and dingy but very student-friendly. One problem: no weak cider is served and they seem to think lager (unless Stella) is for wimps. A bottle of wine costs £7 thats all!
Tuesdays are terrifying at clwb, the place is rammed and everyone seems to be holding a trumpet. This is a secret masonic code or something. (No this is the ice cream club - and they are cornets not trumpets)
Interesting facts concerning the Clwb Y Bont:
- Plaid Cymru members receive 50% discount upon all purchases.
- Paul Hewson (Bono of U2) is known to pop in for a pint on Wednesday evenings, not so frequent is David Bowie who always tries to catch you for a pint. The other U2 member to drink here is Adam Clayton (Jones) - Shamrock - the plot thickens. But only if it is raining.
- This is the place that Bob Dylan first met Leonard Cohen in the winter of 1962 whilst the building was still in New York. And thats how Tom Jones went to America it, was a straight swap.
- Liberal Democrat Cllr. Mike Powell has been known to frequent this place although others are employed in the upkeep of the heating system. This came as a great disappointment to the followers of the late great Michael Hutchence who were keen to use the club for their chosen pastimes.
- Tom Jones was born in the upstairs meeting room whilst his mother was on a Shamrock Shopper day out and thats why he latter chose the name Jones. Blood on the carpet and ceilings still visible.
- Second Tues of every month Jesus appears in a damp patch in the function room he is Welsh speaker and looks like the copper from Twin Town the movie.
- Dykes and Tykes every night tap the bar with a coin then see who follows.
- They are now doing Beats, Hip-Hop night so I went down with my skipping rope expecting a bit of practice.
- 1994 saw a murder on the dance floor during a 12th birthday party for the daughter of a former Blue Peter presenter , that we are not allowed to mention.
- Hitler once did karaoke at the club on bondage Thursday.
This is the gay pub of Pontypridd. It's also known as Ponty Pride, or the Ponty Poker Ride, or the Pointy Pecker Slide. The backroom is a creche; the basement holds the remains of the 1918 Wolverhampton Wanderers footy team nicely packed in dry ice.
Bit like the gay pub but for slightly older children. Over 12's only; no gingers; playing through on Thursdays; all Wickingham and Bishops Stoat please pass.
Word is that this pub has now closed and is for sale, they do not have anywhere to smoke other than outside on thr road ?
Worldly Pigs Feet
Some say it has been there for years other say just under a year. In reality it's a mushroom. Other than that, who knows? But for sure don't tell your mates because we like it just the way it is.
Busy BB's is an Internet café in the Indoor Market in Pontypridd town centre. It is known for its excellent service to customers who use computers, particularly those who access bulletin boards -- hence the "BB" in the name. However recently a leading online comunities pioneer has compalined that he was discriminated against in this Cafe as he was taking up an entire table when others wanted to sit down. The online communities pioneer has now been demoted to a book end.
However, Scotland Yard have uncovered a Viagra-doping scheme which used an internet virus originating at Busy BB's to give Parliament's members whopping great -- well, you know. Oddly the most affected was Gwyneth Dunwoody who got a woody the size of the Tower.
This is the general area in and around Treforest. Contains more than its fair share of chavs, tossers, scrods, and dirty dodgers. Toad-up-yer-mum is the favourite Fri dish for non-Anglicans.
The Otley Arms
Recently rebuilt following the Tânmawr, this pup is currently the center of the vast evil Otley empire and infamous family. Widely held to be low-brow when contrasted with its sister pubs, the Otley is favourite amongst students, trolls, coal miners, cheap tarts, undead zombie nobles, and other creepythings that are referred to as 'locals', 'regulars', or 'bar staff'.
The Richard Arms
Just like the Otley, except full of drunk Irish students. John Keats once puked here, a fact noted by Marcel Proust in Dubliners.
The Richard Arms does in fact have the armbones of King Richard III nailed to the wall behind the Tizer taps. They also have Cromwell's kidneystones in a jar by the till.
Has a year round smell of old piss too.
The Bunch of Grapes
The best ????? pub in Treforest only if it was in Treforest. Thanks to its totalitarian clientele there is a new putsch every weekend. Tossers are sent to Siberia, and fuckwits end up liquidated for the good for the State and served in sausage rolls.