Pithy Saying Man

“Who? Oh, him.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pithy Saying Man

Pithy Saying Man is a superhero who comes in at dire moments to give advice in the form of a crucial aphorism.

Case studies

Edna Yammerstein

Edna Yammerstein, 49, was stranded on a deserted island with her twenty felines. Hungry, she resolved to eat her pets. Alas, her trusty hunting knife was too dull to cut into the flesh of even the smallest kitty, Whiskers. Frustrated and unable to continue, she had begun to reconcile herself with the prospect of a lonely death surrounded by delicious feline meat when Pithy Saying Man arrived, stood before her, and declared:

There's more than one way to skin a cat!

Inspired by Pithy Saying Man, Edna used coconut shards to eat the scrumptious flesh of Whiskers and her cat friends, surviving until she was eventually picked up by the PETA/GreenPeace Party Boat.

Martin von Dumpty

Martin von Dumpty, 81, was attempting to solve a logic puzzle. If he failed, he would be put to death by one of those evil villains who gets off on these sorts of things. The puzzle had two simple rules:

1. Place 3 ova into 2 wicker-woven containers.
2. Each container must hold at least 1 ovum.

Suddenly Pithy Saying Man arrived and pronounced in a booming voice:

Don't put all your eggs in one basket!

With this advice, Marty was able to solve the puzzle and defeat the evil villain. He currently resides with his wife at Dressler's Senior Home in West Palm Beach, FL.

Einstein

It was the second coming of the lord and Einstein was in a right pickle; he had been condemned to hell and was waiting to enter. (They had some administration problems.) Anyway, eventually he was thrown into the "Pit of many digits, palms and pioneering physicists", but there was a problem! As it was the end of the universe most of the laws of physics were disappearing and, as a direct result of this, Jesus' halo wasn't working anymore. As we all know, Jesus can be a bitch when he isn't getting what he wants. So, in desperation, God made a deal with Einstein that he would get a VIP entrance to heaven if he could solve the problem. All Einstein was given was a small sewing kit (God's a bit tight-fisted when it comes to the eternally damned; sometimes people in hell are impaled to a pitchfork) Then in what would have been a great flash of light if light wasn't failing appeared Pithy Saying Man proclaiming:

Many hands make light work!

With this advice Einstein was able to sew together the digits and palms and restore Jesus' frisbee-resembling light hoop.

Neil Armstrong

During the Apollo 30 mission in the year 2045, Neil Armstrong and his eight crew members were set to explore Alpha Centauri through the use of a wormhole. However, there was a miscalculation in the coordinate settings at mission control, and the Apollo 30 mission was hurled towards a black hole instead! The nine members of Apollo 30 were at a loss as per what to do to save themselves as they flew ever faster towards the space-time anomaly. However, it was at about that same time that Pithy Saying Man appeared before Neil Armstrong and proclaimed:

A stitch in time saves nine!

With that, Neil remembered his Hyperspace Sewing Kit 4000! He wasted no time in activating Apollo 30's Space Needle and uploading the HSK4000 into the system. He used the newly integrated structure to quickly sew up the black hole, and thusly saving Apollo 30 and its nine members from crushing doom.

Lance Armstrong

It was during the inaugural Tour de France, as Lance was gunning for his fourth yellow jersey, when he was passed on the uphill by mediocre rider Eddy Merckx. An exhausted Lance (he had been up all night drinking table wine) was terribly upset and distraught. It appeared as though the yellow sweater vest was out of his reach. Fortunately for America, Pithy Saying Man arrived on a Segway two-wheeled, self-balancing, computer-controlled, electrically-powered, gyroscopic, light-mode transportation device invented by Dean Kamen and unveiled in December 2001, and shared:

Slow and steady wins the race!

Armstrong was greatly comforted by this insight and settled into the climb. It turns out that Pithy Saying Man was utterly wrong and Jans Ulrich took home the golden chemise.