Xerography
Xerography is the process of triggering an existential crisis in psychologically unstable humans through the use of an ingenious electro-mechanical device which theoretically has the ability to reproduce any paper document, digital file, or crotch. Whether at work in modern copiers or printers, the process of xerography occurs every day without us ever thinking about it. Unless you think about. Or it doesn't occur.
Xeroxing your ass is a livly hood passed from the Middle Ages, when John of Xerox had a painting of his ass taken. Soon it spread all the way to Abo-land, where rock paintings of asses were taken. Soon some genius figured that he could make copies of his ass in seconds, and he told everyone all the way to the Patent Office, where he called his machine the Ass Reproducer. After his death, the horrified children of this vagabond, changed the name to Xerox.
Overview[edit]
Xerographic reproduction, or photocopying, is a two-way exchange of vibrational energies that propagates as a wave-function between an end-user, or human, and a copy machine, in an event known as a xerographic-organic-photo-voltaic-transaction, or a copy.
A copy begins with a human attempting to press a large bright-green button labeled "Start" or alternately "Copy". Federal zoning regulations determine the exact verbiage, and in some cases the button may be labeled "Please give me a copy of the thing please." This button is impossible for a human being to detect as demonstrated by the following facts:
I. It is always located on the right hand side of a copier's control panel at about waist level.
- A. Studies suggest that 90% of people are left handed and that
- B. They only associate waist level manipulations with chapter 3 of the Karma-sutra. (citation needed)
II. It is in plain sight.
- A. Studies suggest that 90% of humans would prefer to pound on an object with their fists, face and crotch in order to better understand it than to use their eyes, or logic in general. (citation needed)
After the random mashing of the copier ensues for exactly 30 minutes, the laws of religion, and to a lesser extent, probability, dictate that the bright green button usually labeled "Copy" or "Start" will be pressed. At this point the copier makes several measurements of the end-user through the use of photo-interruptors in order to assess the physical/mental status of whatever particular human happened to initiate the copy cycle.
Calmness, intelligence, attractiveness and proficiency with a bo-staff are graphed using heuristic methods to assign a hexadecimal value on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a very angry, stupid, ugly, clumsy person, and 10 being Chuck Norris.
If the human scores a 6 or higher, the copy process continues as detailed by the million chimpanzees on 1 million internets who compiled wikipedia. Otherwise, an interchange gate within the copier redirects the paper into a solid titanium barrier, causing a paper jam.
Interestingly, this confirms the intuitions of end-users who have long speculated that a photocopier "knows" to jam when they are desperate for a copy. Desperation raises the calmness value of the human above the acceptable range measured by the copier and activates the interchange gate. Therefore the photo-interruptor's observation affects the outcome of the xerographic process without local causality. Einstein called this phenomenon "spooky action from a distance" before leaping to his death.
Detailed Explanation[edit]
No one really understands xerography, least of all people. In the distant future, a super-intelligent computer might, but for now we are left with only questions. Here are some of them.
- Why did that thing make that noise?
- Where did my paper go?
- Why did is this piece of paper blank?
- Where did my pants go?
- Why won't this thing copy my ass?
Here are some answers.
- Experts believe that inside every copier there is a cylindrical object called a drum spinning furiously, but they don't know what makes the drum spin, or how it got there.
- Experts believe the word "xerography" comes from the Latin for "Destroyer of Worlds" but it could just be a hunch.
- Experts generally make unfounded assumptions.
- They assume it will copy your ass, if you are able to locate the "Start" button.
History[edit]
The process of xerography was first developed in 1821 by Bartholomew Bantam, entrepreneur and founder of Bantam Books, who was frustrated with the document reproduction technologies of the time, which were unreliable and slow. His solution was to transcribe everything by hand.
This worked remarkably well except for the fact that Bantam was a major league bastard. For starters, whenever someone wanted a book published he would make a knee-jerk judgement about that person's character and then either copy their document or not, depending on how greatly he despised them. Despite this limitation, xerography gave rise to the publishing industry and flourished for 48 years until Bantam's bear-trap-kidney related death in the summer of '69.
At this time Chester F Carlton discovered a small, polyurethane cube in a smoking crater behind his house and intuitively surmised it could be used as an artificial replacement for the late Bantam. Amazingly, he turned out to be correct. However the cube would prove to be inoperable without the addition of a small slice of Bantam's heart placed delicately in the fuser unit and prayed over by a voodoo priest.
Photocopiers[edit]
Photocopiers are a subset of xerographic devices, just as hipies and art majors are a subset of the homeless population.(citation needed) Photocopiers are closely related to printers, which are believed to have arisen from the photocopier when early models were discarded in landfills and scavenging animals had Sexual Congress with the machines, leaving their progeny to inhabit the wild. It is important to note that not all printers use the xerographic process, just as not all republicans use more than 3 of their brain cells.(not confirmed)
Industry[edit]
A massive industry has emerged since the inception of the photocopier, not so much as a result of its usefullness, but from its constant need for maintenance. As dictated by xerography, the innerworkings of a photocopier cannot be known with certainty, so rather than rely on science, it has become common practice to hire cheap, expendible pseudo-hominids to undertake the job of repairing copiers when they "break".
These pseudo-hominids are referred to as copy guy. Copy guys are all males selected from the same gene pool as plumbers and mechanics, which accounts for their general surlyness and ass-crack-showingness. Due to the inherently disgusting disposition of copy guys, a compulsory system of call and response has been developed to communicate with them.
Communication[edit]
When a copy guy arrives to perform a repair, an office manager or their representative will initiate a conversation via one of the following queries:
- Would you like to have your own cubicle?
- Should we put you on our payroll?
This is an attempt to establish a common rapport through standardized jargon. Both questions are essentially the same joke, the underlying social commentary being that copy guy is on-site enough to merit being hired as an employee. This is a light-hearted attempt at humor and the response should always be
- Go fuck yourself
On occasion, however, an office representative can elect to "mix things up" by asking
- Did he/she/you break it again?
to which the response should still be
- Go fuck yourself
This exchange is considered a formality.
The need for this rigidly enforced system of banter is highlighted by the futility of trying to communicate a problem to copy guy. Many have tried in vain to reproduce the exact conditions which led to a paper jam, but such attempts can never succeed.
Due to xerography, a problem observed by an office manager or their representative will never repeat itself when copy guy is present. Without clear instructions to follow, copy guy will either pronounce the problem fixed or order parts and subsequently never return. Therefore following the script can increase productivity for both parties involved.