Norse gods
The Allfather, the Hanged God, the Lord of Men, is the supreme judge of heroic things. He has personally reviewed this article and determined that it is up to Valhalla's quality standards. The author is permitted to enter the heroic realm of Asgard upon death. In the meantime, the author will be given a cask of Odin's favorite mead.
“Pfffft... that pantheon is crap. My thunder's better anyway.”
“Oh really? I foresee me stealing your thunder (because I can do whatever the hell I want), throwing my kickass spear at you, and my son Thor beating you over the head with his hammer.”
“Why don't I have a fucken weapon.”
“The gods made Heavy Metal - and they saw it was good”
Introduction[edit]
Germanic people's faith in the Norse gods was challenged by pushy Christians claiming only one God. Some converted to Christianity — but the Vikings who wanted to rape, pillage, and plunder all day (then party all night) remained Pagan. Heaven is annoyingly mild compared to Valhalla: Valhalla is reserved for the most badass of warriors; and entrance is gained not by singing hymns all day but by fighting bravely in battle. Your reward is a place where you get wasted — all the time! (And the babes, we're pretty sure there are babes involved.)
Gods[edit]
Norse gods can come in all shapes and sizes, this expression definitely goes for Loki so watch out... Anyway the following shall describe the almighty gods of Asgard in all their glory! *Evil laugh and crack of thunder*.
Odin[edit]
Odin has a pet raven called Dora, he also only has one eye because Dora pecked it out in a stress, rides an eight-legged horse, crazy pillock, and enjoys killing Christians and telling Vikings to invade innocent countries. Some of his passions are mead, beer, killing, beer and mead. He has a host of hoes, as mentioned earlier, which do his bidding on top of horses. These aren't eight-legged because Dora killed all the other eight-legged ones. His music tastes include Amon Amarth, Bathory, Battlelore, Einherjar, Battlerage, Berserk, Blood Has Been Shed, Berzerker, Battlelust, Battleroar, Finntroll, Beserkr and Bloodbath.
Odin's other name is Woden, which sounds a bit like Wednesday so some nutcase thought he would name Wednesday after almighty Woden. However, on Wednesdays I have Science then Maths then Science again and then R.E to top it off. Thank you, Woden, if that is your name... sounds fuckin A. Odin has also been involved in some controversial dealings with Dwarves. His abusing of these little people consists of making four of the little fellows hold up the sky. He also hates people that are taller than him as well. Abusing midgets, killing lanky people and having a whole army of prostitutes. He killed a giant and then used all his severed body parts to create a world: Odin is an intolerant, bigoted twat.
Thor[edit]
Thor kicks ass. He is the most kick-assest Norse god, only second in strength to David Bowie. Thor has a general distaste for homosexuals. Thor was flying around one day when he saw this "girl". He approached her under the guise of a human and he started having anal sex with her. After seven days of this, Thor removed his human disguise and revealed himself as the god of thunder and proudly announced "I AM THOR!".
The girl then revealed that she was actually a bloke and told him "You're Thor? I'm David O Connor". Needless to say that ever since that day Thor has been a bit of a homophobe. David still enjoys the anal sex.
However, this did not stop him from occasionally going out in drag, dressed as his sister Freya, with Loki in a french maid's outfit to crash weddings, eat extravagant free meals, and generally fuck-shit-up-beyond-all-recognition, including David's rectum from time to time.
- It should be noted that this particular instance may have been an elaborate prank by Loki, later used for blackmail to gain extra wardrobe benefits.
Loki[edit]
The prankster of Norse gods, Loki is the sort of person that pulls your chair back just as you're about to sit down and goes into hysterics while you're on your arse with a broken coccyx. Or maybe as you enter Midgard he'll put a bucket of freezing water over the door so that when you walk in you die of pneumonia, not that it's already chilly there anyway. What a joker! I bet He's really popular with the other gods. It must be a party all the time in Valhalla with Him.
Another trait of Loki is shapeshifting. But how do you know its Loki? Maybe that cat you just kicked in the face wasn't, in fact, Loki, maybe it was next doors tabby. Now the old lady from next door is coming to have a go at you... Or is that the lady from next door? Kick her as well, she's probably Loki in disguise. Now quickly, get your mighty axe and make her taste its cruel bite. Then get her entrails and make her use them as a hat. Now set fire to her! And if she dies isn't doesn't matter she will just go to Valhalla.... That's what happens when you're associated with Vikings too long, you get carried away just a tad and will end starting a blood feud with someone because they looked at you. After all you have to defend your honour, don't you? If you let everyone push you around then Odin would be ashamed and Thor would destroy you with his cruel Thunder! Damn... happened again...
Minor gods and goddesses[edit]
- Agnethruda
- Jarr Thorken
- Loge, Loki's German son.
- Bjork
- Freyja- A really hot goddess
- Frey- Freya's brother
- Hillary Clinton (a more common guise of Loki)
- Baldr- who was not bald
- Jean Luc Picard- who was bald
- Sven- god of Indigestion
- Orthar the Tooth Collector
Ragnaröck[edit]
Contrary to popular belief Ragnaröck, (Old Norse: Rörkíkróðck, Anglicized: Ragnórðk, Norwegian: Rauðgröck) was not a battle at the end of world, but, in fact, the gig Odin, Thor and Loki played at the end of world. Viking are huge fans of metal and so created Viking Metal. See Article on Vikings for more about Viking Metal, although, Odin and Thor had created the band prior to the birth of Viking Metal, like all trend setters. Some of Their greatest singles are: "Raarrrgh!", "I Love Blood, We Love Blood" and the ever popular "Death-The Best Thing Ever".
The band is as follows: Loki on Lead, Odin on Rhythm and Vocals and Thor on Drums. Their influences include Black Metal, Viking Metal, Death Metal, some Viking poetry and Raping and Pillaging. Odin describes their sound as: Metal crossed with Bloodlust and going Berserk. They have also had guest appearances from Jörmungandr, Vidar, Surtr, Fenris, Sven, Heimdall, and Satan.
It is foretold, that in Ragnaröck, Jörmungandr will throw a red dress at Thor, and because it clashes with Thor's eyes he dies later. However he repeatedly hits Jörmungandr with his hammer, Mjöheímrálfjðrstrōrfýrst, and Jormungandr will die. Fenris will then proceed to eat a rather stringy Odin and Sven will give it indigestion long enough for Vidar to impale Fenris on a guitar.
Their earlier sound contained more guitar riffs, was more melodic and was more influenced by poetry. It was less aggressive than their later albums: Blood, Burn, Battle... Bitch! and Spear and Beer. Some of the lyrics from the Spear and Beer album are:
In one arm I hold the finest mead and a freshly hunted boar,
In t'other arm is my spear and a freshly bought whore.
These are the things I love - whore, boar, hunt, mead,
I am content, content as can be, this is everything I'll ever need.
This may not be the exact translation but you get the basic idea. This is from track 5, the last track of the album because in those days the magic of gods could only manage to hold 5 songs on each tablet.
| Year | Album |
|---|---|
| 800 CE | Kill all Englishmen |
| 803 CE | Our Pantheon is the only Pantheon |
| 804 CE | Bloody Monks |
| 807 CE | Wonderful War |
| 912 CE | This Album is better than Christianity |
| 915 CE | Better than any Edda |
| 916 CE | Spear and Beer |
| 917 CE | Spear and Beer Special Edition[1] |
| 919 CE | Raarrrgh! |
| 921 CE | Blood, Burn, Battle... Bitch! |
| 924 CE | 5 Reasons to Stay With Us |
| 926 CE | 5 More Reasons to Stay with Us |
| 927 CE | 10 Reasons to Stay With Us[2] |
After the short spell of popularity in the 800s they decided to go on hiatus due to relations in band. They came back just as Vikings had started losing faith in them. This is partly the reason why a lot of Vikings went to Christianity- because, a big source of all their testosterone fuelled behaviour, Ragnoröck, were on hiatus. They then gave up because so many Vikings lost faith in them. It's an old legend that they will perform a huge gig at the end of the world and everyone in the mosh pit will die, if they hadn't died already during the gig.
Acknowledgements[edit]
- Thanks and foremost to Heimdall and Odin, Heimdall our Guardian and Odin the Lord of Men.
- Second thanks goes to the old lady next door who provided the evil laugh. She survived, by the way. And we can clear up she wasn't Loki. Well probably not....
- Another thanks is due to Thor, although he's a bit of nancy he gave us the crack of lightning. We sacrificed a monk in his honour.
- I take back the thanks at the top there. Odin's a twat.