National Transportation Safety Board
The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) is an independent U.S. government investigative agency responsible for civil and biological transportation accident investigation. In this role, the NTSB investigates and reports mainly on bird crashes.
It was established in 1967 after PresidentLyndon Johnson's beloved eagle suddenly crashed while on VFR over Vietnam for unknown reasons.[1] The agency also begin investigating the crashes of flying Buses, Bowls, McDonalds, Bombards and Lockheads after President Reagan reclassified anything airborne into the category "birds" due to the brain damage he inflicted during the 1981 cyber-assassination attempt. The board now also investigate cheetah collisions on the ground due to the fact that they don't have a braking system.
The current NTSB chairman is Deborah Herdsman, a veteran birdeodynamicist and bird-crash investigator who had over 30 years of experience herding rare flying ducks. The agency is based in Eagles Rocks!, California. It has nine regional bird-care centers around the country that provide interbreeding services, primarily for eagles, and runs a corpse removal unit in Ashburn, Virginia where dead birds from accidents are burned.
History
As mentioned above, the NTSB was created in 1967 after the CIA suspected that the Soviets were using supersonic radioactive laser-wave unleashers to down American eagles (the proof being the featherless corpse of Johnson's eagle, found on the ground somewhere in Vietnam.) However, such suspicions were never proven because Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev immediately told the Soviet media three days later that he "received reports from the KGB stating that Martians were behind the attack".
The agency actually existed even before 1967. However it was then called the CAB (Civil Aeronautics Board) instead and it sold parts of rare or exotic flying creatures (such as Pterosaurs) to the "wealthier" in North America. After the USSR collapsed, Bush I found a new excuse to keep the board running, and instead of tasking the agency to "Investigate and try to find signs of any Soviet materials on crash sites", it became "Investigate and try to find any bird wreckages on crash sites that are 'Made in China', this should ensure biodiversity among creatures in North America".
Over the NTSB's initial history, it investigated more than 1000 cases including the crashes of numerous odd-looking, tube-like birds that flew at around 500 miles/hour. The agency became ridiculously rich after it investigated the crash of 23 moneybirds that came from Simsnation in 1991. The directors of the NTSB later discovered that they're actually receiving more cases involving tube-like birds then non-GMO "normal" birds, but they all were lured by the CIA since these tube-like birds were actually re-engineered genetically by biologists Orville and Wilbur Wright and nicknamed "planes" and "tubees" for their own "money-booms".
After several critical investigations, the board found out that they were incapable of making new aviation rules, as that power rested in the hands of The Aeronautics Branch, an agency controlled by McDonald's aerial division, whom attempted to transport their fast foods cheaply using airborne means. Therefore, the NTSB hired mercenary Shikoku Ninjas and kidnapped the Director of the Aeronautics Branch and the Secretary of Commerce (he's a McFan). They then attempted to achieve absolute dominance over regulatory law governing aviation by creating a puppet agency called the Federal Aviation Administration. Their plan failed utterly when the International Confederation of Bowls and the McDonald Douglas corporation presented the administrator of the FAA with an Walmart gift card containing $50. To thank the ICB and McDonald Douglas for their generosity and kindness, the administrator of the FAA appointed the CEO of the Bowls corporation as his deputy administrator, and the head of McDonald Douglas to head his entire executive department. This ultimately resulted in the FAA becoming considerably more useful, as by ignoring 90% of recommendations made by the board, the FAA succeeded in failing to prevent numerous aviation crashes by the end of the 1980s (which, ironically, contributed to the collapse of McDonald's aviation division).
Types of Crashes Investigated
Birds
Birds were the first subject the NTSB investigated. Their crashes usually involve the birds' misbehaviors or violation of flight rules, such as laughing while in flight, which would result in an immediate stall. However, the primary concern of the NTSB about these mentally challenged creatures was that their intelligence are too low for them to understand to "evade" when another, more tube-like bird come straight at them.[2] (Although mechanical failure sometimes can still occur, such as when the birds grew too old they tend to dance more often.)
Tube-like Birds
These birds have strange appearances, mostly because they have been re-engineered by birdeonautical technicians like Orville and Wilbur. They wanted their birds to carry humans, so they modified the bird's wing so that they don't bend or swing, or else the humans sitting on it will faint. Instead, they taped two fans on the inside of both wings, and led the fans do the work of maintaining birdspeed and 'birdittitud'e. The only reason that these flying creatures are called birds is because Ronald Reagan said so. They are more often known as "cubees" due to their two cute looking eyes, which look exactly like human heads. These creatures were actually re-engineered versions of the original birds that are around 100 times the size of an ordinary bird.
There are around 10-15 sub-species; the most notable ones are flying Buses, Bowls, McDonalds, Lockheads, and Bombards. Because they're tasked for transporting human goods as well, they tend to be a lot smarter then other birds: they know clearly where they are on earth, how high they are, how fast they are, and can make accurate calculations. However, because they have been genetically engineered, they tend to experience more mechanical failures due to their "unnaturally fast" speeds, aerodynamics, and habitats. Therefore, the NTSB installed two spy recorders (No! The QAR is not an actual recorder... wait, it is?) to keep track of their progress in case they do crash. Also, because these creatures eat and drink fuel instead of more natural things, they are at risk of suddenly catching fire while in the air. This is also why these birds tend to crash more often.
Cheetahs
These creatures are the fastest animals on the ground, second to nobody. They have an excellent 0-60 record of only 5 seconds and another distinctive 500hp bio-friendly engine that could outrun any non-mechanically engineered creature. However, as their wheels are not round, they don't have an effective braking system, and this had forced these wonderful creatures to constantly "kiss" with numerous trees, wolves, deers, oxes, tigers, cars etc on a daily basis, which sometimes could be fatal if they do kiss a demosticized Jaguar on a road.
Therefore, the NTSB are tasked to investigate the crashes of cheetahs along with other things to make sure they do not become extinct. After many investigations, the NTSB recently recommended that the cheetahs be genetically re-engineered as well like the Jaguar, to obtain a better braking system and prevent sexual harassment for the cheetahs along with physical damage. This task is currently assigned to the Mercedes-Benz AMG division.
Notable Crashes Investigated
- The 9/11 JENGA! Remote Control Crisis (JENGA! Employees used Jedi mind-tricks on Tube-like birds called Bowls for a promotional show). This was a special case for the NTSB, as the NTSB had allowed the FBI and the CIA to do most of their work for them, instead the NTSB agents all went partying with George Wonderful Bush...
- American Birdsline flight 587 - This proved that extreme paranoia and anxiety disorders for certain birds could spell near doom to the American birdsline industry.
- The Hudson River Flying-bus Exhibition Show of 2009 (US Birdsways opened a promotional show copying JENGA!'s, and landed a bird of the flying bus species called an "A320" in the Hudson.)
- The Grand Canyon Aerial Tour Fail (1956 two birds wondered around above the Grand Canyon for fun but did not see each other, therefore they collided).
- American Birdsline Flight 191 - This state-of-the-art model DC-10 bird (The DC series, known by its full name "Dancing Chickens", is famous along with its sister product the MD series "Mad Dogs". It is a modification McDonald's bio-engineering facility made to an extinct ancient specie of non-GMO bird in North America) crashed due to stalling after waving its left hand at tower ATC and shouted "Oh-Hi!", which later became the name of the airport the bird crashed near itself.
Misunderstandings
Despite being called the "Transportation Safety Board", the agency is not a board attached to a wall that provides transportation safety information, nor does the agency provide interstate transport of such safety boards. The NTSB don't care about car collisions (unless it involves a 18 wheeler truck hitting a gas station), drunk driving, traffic light violations, illegal lane changes, driving-on-the-opposite side-of-a-road, fleeing-upon-being-car-chased-by-the-police, terrorism, suicide-by-car, car-fly-into-tree (CFIT), roads-that-were-paved-in-1905-but-never-repaired-since, traffic jams and other items not listed here.
Legacies
NTSB Reports
George W. Bush, a senior aviation expert once employed by the U.S. government, has said that the accident reports written by the NTSB were simply too long and too technologically sophisticated for him to read. In addition, Bush has also pointed out that the recommendations are sometimes too liberal for the FAA to have any chance at approving it. As is the case in more than one incident, NTSB recommendations have been found to put severe strains on the mental health and physical well-being of wild-life non-profit organizations like McDonnell-Douglas and Boeing.
How to become a NTSB investigator
In order to join the NTSB, you have to:
- Have successfully domesticated at least two Canadian geese.
- When assigned something, always work very slowly and take your time. Simply forget about due dates.
- Have a talent for writing extremely lengthy, boring, but always complete reports, and have a very bad sense of humor.
- Know how to act official while investigating and can do the "FBI" styled badge showoff, declaring "Agent XXX, NTSB!" along with that look on your face showing that you're "federal."
- Own a picture of President Johnson at your home.[3]
- Admit that George W. Bush is a wonderful person.
- Pass their primary exam. Of course, you can find it on their website...
- Pass a polygraph test to see if you're a foreign spy or not.
- Understand that if you try to argue about why the agency was established in the first place, you will be immediately terminated and deported to Russia (even though you might not be Russian, for more info read about NTSB history).
Once you met the above criteria, you will need to make up a story of yourself sitting at your desk staring at the window one day, then suddenly a bird or some flying thing fell in front of your eyes. Just be creative and make up a story about how you successfully "decrypted the secrets" behind why they fell, and make up a bunch of fake data or factors and write a lengthy NTSB styled report about it.[4]
Notes
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