Millwall

Kilt loving friends: Legendary Millwall hardman Dave Sinclair and friends

Millwall is a football club based in Kent, formed by a group of haggis loving anti-American imperialists in the late 1990's. The clubs Latin motto is "El Bellendo, Generous Bellendous", which translates into "Were just a shit team from Kent and have only two supporters and a cat". This mentality was the foundation for their famous song "No-one likes the U.S, we don't care!". The founder members wanted an environment where they could practice their religion of haggis-shagging without fear of persecution. Millwall were forced to flee south of the river by Mark Noble and Bobby Moore's great great granparents back in the eartly twentieth century after they were caught giving the great grandaughters of said great great grandparents a womb like a plasters radio, ever since then they've hated all cockneys and East London, making Jamie Oliver and Guy Richie very upset.

Millwall and football hooliganism

A Millwall fan rescues a cat from a tree. Note how there are palm trees in South London. The Millwall fan is also black, and thus not racist.

Millwall have a reputation for being incredibly amazing at football, and also rather good at twatting passers by with lumps of wood. However, the reality is somewhat different, and Millwall fans can frequently be found doing good deeds and fine works all around the world. Most leper colonies have a number of Millwall fans who help out, e.g. by picking up lost limbs, peeling off leperous scabs from inmates, that sort of thing. Fire stations around the UK have Millwall fans on call to assist with helping cats out of trees, as British firefighters feel unqualified to handle animals.

Perhaps Millwall's greatest good deed came during a fixture at Luton. In this instance the Millwall supporters, shocked to the core at how derelict and pathetic the home side's stadium was, took it upon themselves to demolish the offending eyesore. This demolition of Kennilworth Road would have freed up valuable space for the town to erect something more aesthetically pleasing, such as a 100ft accurate replica of a dog turd.

The Millwall fans' intentions were, unfortunately, misunderstood. They were roundly condemned and the blight on the landscape that is Kennilworth Road persists to this day.

Every cloud has a single lining, however. British broadcasters and particularly the BBC frequently have gaps in their schedules, which they fill by broadcasting the footage of the Luton "riot" repeatedly. Millwall FC consequently receive valuable royalty money for such broadcasts.

Millwall and West Ham

The two became friends shortly after being introduced to eachother by rival dock-workers union representatives intent on creating violence and enmity between the two, this plan failed and the two have been friends ever since. After long games of backgammon - which involved eating the back of a gammon steak - and crocker; Millwall and West Ham would frequent the pub, wherein they would get smashed; all in all good friends.

Viscious rumours by the press, the Queen, and Oscar Wilde, envious of such firm freindship, have circulated that Millwall and West Ham are in fact "violent towards eachother," and "a prime example of football hooliganism". This assesment is not all unfair. The recent Millwall vs West Ham F.A. cup match was misunderstood by the world at large, for what was essentially a bit of boystrous fun. Green Street had hundreds of riot police, and mounted policemen during, before, and sometime after the match; cars, bottles, and men were all smashed, but hey; this is football. If you asked the average Millwall fan what he thought of the match - unless he was the fan who was stabbed - he would say "Good clean fun".

The Thing's Millwall supporters like to do is pretend they are all "badmanz" (a term for want-to-be gangsters) and then as soon as they see a West Ham supporter (the amazing kind) run in the opposite direction like lost puppys ( only with a lower I.Q.).

Millwall used to be an East End club but following an intense game of "Operation" with East End big shots Leyton Orient, Barry Hearn threatened to have every caravan site in Kent burnt to the ground. Millwall seeing no other option but to protect their future generations, moved (ironic I know they're always moving) into a Stadium by a waste processing plant. The close proximity to said plant has cause untold confusion to local refuse collectors as they cannot tell the difference between two.

Facts about Millwall

• Millwall average 10,000 at home games with the majority of supporters coming from the Isle of Sheppey, a shithole slum island in Kent. They also have huge support in Samoa (Hence why they get fuck all each week).
• Millwall's nickname is "the Lines", as a result of the activities many supporters and most players get up to in the cubicles of public toilets.
• It is part of the constitution of the FA that Millwall must NEVER be given a penalty. Similarly they must have at least one player sent off every game.
• Millwall once got to the FA Cup final. They played Manchester United, who sportingly agreed to give Millwall an infinite number of goals as a head start. Unfortunately Millwall still lost.
• Millwall was once managed by ex-England and Chelsea shortarse Dennis Wise. However, Wise's tenure came to an end when the club lost him. I mean, literally, LOST him. To this day, back room staff at Millwall still occasionally spend a few minutes lifting up stray pieces of paper just in case someone left him on a desk somewhere under a load of paperwork.
• Millwall v Charlton is the most one-sided local derby in English history. Regardless of the two rivals' league placings, Charlton always lose such fixtures. This was evidenced recently when Charlton Cricket Club played Millwall FC. Millwall won by five goals to three runs all out.
• The most commonly known fact about Millwall is there shit, inbred pikey south London unwanted rat fucking cunts. They only have one supporter.
• Millwalls biggest fan is Billyboy, from Bermonsdey. Billy is often found frequenting the newsagents of the blue with his best mate, Andy, in tow, checking out the variances in prices of rowntrees fruit pastilles.
• The last time Millwall faced rivals West Hamas at the Den, they won 4-1. This directly led to a number of armed conflicts breaking out in the Middle East. This fact is indeed incorrect, and the bellend who wrote needs to get his facts right. In August 2009, West Hamas and Millwall met at Upton Park, which ended in West Hamas winning 3-1 after extra time. This indeed solved the conflict in the Middle East but mild scraps break out once in a yellow moon.
• Millwall's most successful manager is Steve Claridge. Under Claridge's reign, Millwall never lost a single competitive match, a remarkable feat. Some historians denounce this achievement by pointing out that Claridge's Millwall never actually PLAYED a competitive match, but Lions fans refute this argument by slapping such historians around the face with a brick. Meanwhile, Claridge is nonplussed by such criticism. "Tennis is gay" he beamed. Despite retiring from management, he stayed on at the club as a player, vowing never to stop, and at the tender age of 136 is still the first name on the teamsheet.
• Millwall's well-known former stadium, "The Den", is named after one of Millwall's most well-loved former chairmen, Mr Theodore Den, or "The" to his friends.
• Similarly, Millwall's current stadium, "The New Den", is named after Theodore Den's son, Theodore Newton Den, or "The New" to his friends, who also went onto become chairman.
• Millwall have plans to relocate to a new stadium on the outskirts of Helmand province - Afganistan. The stadium has been named the new new den. Facilities include a roof, a minefeild around the pitch perimeter, family friendly public executions, one latrine located in the goal mouth and a club bar named 'Alan Carrs Tap'
• Peter Mayhew represented the club, both at first team and at hooligan level
• in 2011 a Cardiff FC supporter was so enamoured with Millwall that he leapt off the stand in order to convert himself. Unfortunately he was 20 feet above the lower tier and sustained slight injuries and a lifetime's embarrassment.
• Millwall is not to be confused with the sexually transmitted diseased Millwall, in which the cunt flares up and retreats into its fold.
• They're scum.
• Millwall have a 'knack' of turning up late and claiming victory, and that they 'turned you over in your own manor' (even though they faced no resistance as everyone is inside the stadium)
• Millwall are the only team sad enough to release a DVD after winning one game. Albeit it was 4-1 but the Marketing team at Millwall are a clever bunch they wanted to give the false perception that Millwall fill the ground every week and not only when West Ham are in town.