Michael J. Dunleavy
Michael "Mike" J. Dunleavy (birth name: Kurt DeBurdget) is an American politician who became the 12th governor of Alaska in 2018. Like entrenched politico Tina Fey, he can also see Russia from his window and has made it a point to give Russians a friendly wave just in case President Trump and/or God is watching.
What others are saying[edit]
“Mike Dunleavy is an SOB... and I'd tell him that to his face.”
“Alaskans deserve their full PFD and a right to feel safe in their homes... and I love Jesus.”
“Once we collapse their economy, and sow fear via a rising crime rate, we can move in a lot easier.”
“Kick 'em when they’re up, kick 'em when they're down.”
“This guy, Dunleavy, is a real fuckwad.”
“I've been Duncocked.”
“Why's a nice Jewish boy like you working for this schmuck?”
“Alaskans are closet socialists... of this I am sure!”
Background[edit]
Born Kurt DeBurdget on May 5, 1961, in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Alaska Governor Mike Dunleavy's new identity as a politician was created in the first decade of the 2000s by the fertile imagination of former Alaska GOP gangster-in-chief and Jerry Falwell devotee Tuckerman Babcock.
In true Alaskan fashion, Babcock Dunleavy was elected as governor on a platform of referring to state workers as "let them eat cake" and to criminals as "lock those bastards up and throw away the key", mostly.
Dunleavy, commonly known as The Tallest Man North of Seattle™, was formerly the chief propagandist for the Mat-Su School District in the northern part of the state.
It was not until about four months into Babcock's Dunleavy's regime that the truer, more sinister platform of the Petrostate began to emerge in writings, scandals and a real whodunit as to who was behind an effort to recall him and send him back north of the Arctic Circle to his wife's hometown.
The single most important piece of legislation Dunleavy offered during a stint in the Alaska Senate was one that repealed a law requiring the state to observe daylight saving time.
Dunleavy's wife, Rosa, is an Eskimo whom he met while she was down by the river yelling "Hoo-ha" and gutting a salmon. She spends most of her days now wandering around the governor's mansion on Capitol Hill in Juneau pondering redecorations to the house and who to suggest to Babcock for pink slips.
They have three daughters who have yet to lose their virginity, in accordance with the Dunleavy family's strict Holy Roller faith. They have, however, had a few virginal daddy-daughter dates since their teenage years.
DeBurdget, who grew up on the East Coast, was nicknamed "Prometheus" in high school after he made an appearance on the soap opera General Hospital as a teen during a story arc involving the KGB and a device known as the "Prometheus Disc".
His one on-screen appearance, up to the point that he faced hostile redneck parents in the Mat-Su at school board meetings, and when he ran to be a senator from Wasilla, came during the scene where Luke's piano player at his casino, a charming queer fellow who was also a deadly KGB assassin, made a reveal as Laura watched from over a shot of whiskey.
Dunleavy's campaign for the governorship, at first, was largely funded by longtime members of the Anchorage nightlife scene. It was only after Babcock recognized a kindred spirit in Dunleavy that he made the transformation from DeBurdget complete by getting some oil and gas companies to donate to the cause.
The Four-Point Plan[edit]
While Babcock Dunleavy ran on four main pillars during his campaign, Babcock's real intent and outcome wasn't revealed until months into his regime, when he put out a budget proposal that would essentially smash Alaska into pre-Russian colonization standards of living.
As a matter of course, the four pillars of 1) restore the PFD flip-flopping Independent Governor Bill Walker stole from the peeps, 2) reduce crime and stiffen penalties, 3) balance the budget to make expenditures match revenues, and 4) make Alaska "open for business" again, sounded good on paper and at the debates he bothered to show up at.
However, in keeping with Juneau's age-old tradition in political bloodsport of "overwhelming the enemy" the Babcock Dunleavy regime threw a kitchen sink at the Alaskan citizenry to distract them from noticing a plan to crash the economy and allow Koch Industries to move in and develop new oil fields and a major pipeline south of Alaska's Valhalla, Prudhoe Bay.
In mid-2018, just as the election season was ramping up, Dunleavy staffer and future knob polisher deputy chief of staff Jeremy Price told a group of industry insiders "It's going to be okay."
Price said: "Alaskan voters are, by nature, spoiled with their Permanent Fund Dividend … especially the low-information voters that were critical to our win in 2018. What is needed now is to threaten them with the very idea that the dividend could go away after Walker did what he did. If we can do that, with just a little sleight of hand, we can move this economy into a direction that is extremely attractive to our brothers and sisters in the oil and gas industries."
A break-in at party headquarters[edit]
A plan to initiate a recall campaign against Governor Mike Dunleavy – and an associated plan to form and put in place a Democrat-controlled "shadow" government as the recall unfolds – was revealed after a document was recovered among a trove of those stolen from Juneau's Democrat Party headquarters.
The document, titled "A Coming Storm: Removing Dunleavy", was found on Feb. 1 in the home of a prominent Democrat Party lawyer in Juneau. The identity of that attorney has not been revealed after the U.S. District Court in Juneau sealed an indictment against unnamed individuals in connection to an investigation regarding the document theft.
In the document, it is revealed that Val Davidson, who served as lieutenant governor from October to December 2018 after Byron Mallott's abrupt resignation from the post on October 16, 2018, would be asked to run as the Democrat in the recall election, with Scott Kendall reprising his role as Chief of Staff.
Assaults on the press[edit]
An increasing amount of violence toward the press (who occasionally, however, might deserve it one could say) has been tolerated under the Babcock Dunleavy regime. In one case, a Capitol Hill regular was fucked up in a back alley one night after threatening to reveal the true meaning of "Prometheus" to the mainstream media. The phrase "You'll never work in this town again" was uttered on the third floor of the capitol after his press pass was revoked the next day.
Continuation of government[edit]
A handwritten document, dated one day after Dunleavy's inauguration in late 2018, appears to outline a plan that would see Babcock crowned and styled as "His Highness, the High King of Alaska and the Associated Realms" should Dunleavy die in office.
The continuation plan calls for Babcock's royal ring to be carved from a tooth belonging to Elizabeth Peratrovich, and for his royal staff to be made of disinterred bones of Tlingit warriors buried currently in Angoon. Babcock would be sworn in at the basement conference room of the Dimond Courthouse in Juneau.
King Babcock's royal seal wax would be tinted red with the placenta blood from babies born to Christian mothers in Anchorage. If no babies could be found, some of Senator Natasha Von Imhof's blue blood can be substituted. The document also states that current Representative David Eastman be installed as court jester, and that current Representative Lance Pruitt be named court eunuch, while his wife, MaryAnn, be titled as court doorward.
The plan also calls for Lt. Governor Meyer to be sent on a Sister City emissary mission to Bełżec, Poland immediately upon any incapacitation of the governor.
Other points of view[edit]
Marijuana[edit]
The Babcock Dunleavy regime is especially tough on cannabis, considering it a dangerous drug and hold a belief that possession or use of it should be treated as a felony akin to treason.
Meth, cocaine and heroin[edit]
Considering that at least half of Alaskans are regular users of cocaine, meth and heroin – and at least some of those users were on a three-day bender on election day – Dunleavy should be a little thankful for these substances, which make the long, cold winter (and short, warm spring and summer) more tolerable in the Last Frontier.
Alcohol and cigarettes[edit]
Jesus would not approve. Enough said. Taxable, though.
The death penalty[edit]
In one of the rare moments when Dunleavy seems like a true Alaskan, he has advocated for a death penalty in the state – with the standard method of execution as drowning by crab pot, a Southeast Alaska favorite. An exception to this would be if a resident of the Alaska Pioneer Homes was convicted of a suitable crime, in which case starvation and hypothermia would be the preferred method.
The Alaska state ferry system[edit]
The Babcock Dunleavy regime has more leaks than the Iraqi Navy, so it wasn't long before the electorate figured out that his plan to gut the ferry system was also in line with the desires of high-level oligarchs in Wichita.
Jesus Christ[edit]
Dunleavy is known for his abiding love of the Blood of Christ, and for knowing exactly what the Savior wants him to do. He has been spotted frequently of late at A Black Sheep Shop, the Christian bookstore down the street from Sarah Palin's house in Wasilla. Rumor is his latest purchase was a book on why Christ was selected above the Jews to rule the world.
Homosexuality[edit]
The Babcock Dunleavy regime has made no comment on their views of same-sex love.