Match of the Day
Match of the Day is a football programme created through a mechanism called the BBC conveyor belt, a device which churns out several new television shows every day, most of them involving Bill Oddie at some point or another. Match of the Day was originally conceived over forty years ago, and has been fronted by Gary Lineker for 35 of those years. The show is a review of the days 'Match of the Day' which usually involves Derby, seeing as there are a lot of goals scored in their matches. A second programme, Match of the Day 2 (see what they did there?) is fronted by Irishman FROM THE FUCKING NORTH Coleen Murray, whom the Beeb bought from Channel 5 for an undisclosed fee when 5 acquired free agent Jim Rosenthal following a year's absence after ITV released him. Unfortunately Coleen's confidence and jocular style wound up resident dullard Alan Shearer, who beat Murray to death after he pointed out that, technically, every Newcastle match was a "relegation 6-pointer". After Murray came Mark Chapman, who replaced the customary hour of football with a weekly 6-hr monologue about the evils of John Lennon.
Current Format[edit]
During the late 90's dominance of Manchester United, the BBC laid the foundations for a revised Match of the Day format - a show entirely biased towards Manchester United in their obvious superiority. Fortunately, because everybody in Britain supports Manchester United, there has been no criticism whatsoever. Even the rise of Chelsea in recent years has failed to spark a change in presentation and style. The BBC have resisted by genetically engineering a machine designed to produce brilliant punditry with as little charisma as possible. They named it M-LAWRO-ALPHA1, also shortened to Mark Lawrenson.
Peter Schmeichel also known as 'The Coleslaw King', regularly appears on Match of the Day to promote his ballroom dancing DVD. A former groundsman at Old Trafford, Schmeichel's intolerable rantings have earned him a reputation as 'that danish c**t'. It is rumored he is currently dating Scottish thistle-blower Alan Hansen, who's brother is M-LAWRO-ALPHA1.
The Future[edit]
The BBC looks set to continue by presenting the audience with a 0-0 draw involving Manchester United rather than a 4-3 thriller between Newcastle United and Liverpool F.C. and other instances like this on a regular basis. A program focusing on lower-league teams and the struggle to survive is gathering dust on a shelf, while new Manc-chester United show 'Reds are Brill, innit?' is set to begin shooting in mid-september. Bill Oddie is expected to take over the helm in 2008.
The Death of Shearer[edit]
Unfortunately Alan Shearer, speculated to be a future Newcastle manager, recently hanged himself from the Angel of the North after Lineker signed a new four-year contract. Alan Shearer has also allegedly been haunting Gary Lineker so that he will leave Match Of The Day, and Alan can come back from the dead. A balding man, Gavin 'I played for Chelsea once' Peacock opted to take time off from Match of the Day, in order to finish off his modelling contract for Gay Times. It's speculated he recently dated up and coming underwear model Freddie Ljungberg. Alan's death is another addition to the list of controversies burdening the show, Brazilian Leonardo mysteriously vanished last year and hasn't been seen since, although it's assumed he was sacked because he wasn't full of himself enough (Arrogance is a Match of the Day standard) and as a result, has either fled to Italy, or Hull. No one knows.
Ian Wright[edit]
Ian 'Right right right' Wright has been a pundit on the show since 1986; however, as he contributes approximately nothing, nobody noticed until Alan Hansen said "You're looking a bit different today, Gary!" His most popular catch-phrase is "Shaun Wright-Phillips was immense today", even when he is injured. His lethal farts are also a contribution to the poor smell of the studio; because of this, the BBC spent £900,000 of its £1M budget for the construction of a new studio on AirWick. The rest of the money was given over to Alan 'Angel of the North' Shearer to say "I agree with Hansen." Ian Wright was also found out to have spent his career battling an addiction to Dijon Mustard. In fact, Shaun Wright-Phillips's middle name is 'Dean John'. Wrighty denied the fact, but was then caught shooting up some Dijon Mustard behind the back of a Spar in Highbury.
Match of the Day 2[edit]
MotD2 implements a different format to it's sister show. Most teams play on Saturday, with one or two games on Sunday, because there are few games on Sunday (sometimes only one) the team has to fill a 75 minute show with 45 minutes of bullshit. Features typically involve irritating fatman Kevin Day speak to fans and club workers about how mundane they're life is and that Fooball offers them a chance to get away from Work/Nagging Wife. Kevin Days detective skills uncovered shockingly true statistics of Newcastle United supporters activities, he concluded that the fans spend their week down a coal mine and blow most of their money on getting wankered and watching football. The Home Office has launched an investigation. The show was hosted by Adrian Chiles until a "freak" accident involving his car. After the car crash Chiles has becomebetter looking, but still ressembles the famous movie star, Shrek.