Madhatter Project
The Madhatter Project was a scientific experiment conducted in New Mexico in 1943 to see if using an uranium based copy of Alice in Wonderland would win World War Two for the Allies. The short answer was ermm...
A top secret team of Lewis Carroll experts, nuclear scientists and Russian spies were brought together in a remote desert location to produce a weapon 'by 1945' or earlier. News that Nazi scientists were working on a similar project using the Brothers Grimm as their nuclear weapon source book forced the Americans to 'pull their finger out and start exploding stuff'.
Prehistory[edit]
In 1943, World War Two was underway and money for scientific research was flowing freely like water. In this environment, a new city - Los Alamos - was built. Originally it was "Los Alamos upon the Hills", but after the first successful tests the name was no longer appropriate as it was now in a desert plain.
Many competing scientific research communities were set up. One of these, the early Uncyclomedia Foundation, was set up to document the process. This early group bore little resemblance to today's fine organization, and was initially interested in cactus farming.
It was also tightly strapped for cash, and was at the time being run by J. Robert "Jobbert" Oppenheimer, Albert Einstein and Oscar Wilde, who didn't have enough money for the time travel ticket he needed to return to the 19th Century. Their office (and housing) was located in a room above a tokamak being operated by the much higher budget 20th Isotope Fawkes organization, which was busy inventing radon paint.
Jobbert and Einstein disagreed with Wilde about what research they should put their limited resources to. The J-E side suggested studying the stability of uranium atoms, while Wilde believed their time and money would be better spent seeing what happened if he taped a cat and a buttered piece of bread together and dropped it from variable heights. Jobbert and Einstein ultimately went on to form the Manhattan Project, and Wilde became homeless.
Hard times[edit]
Wilde, who was thrown out of the apartment/laboratory, fell immediately on tough times. He was forced to hock his typewriter and eat his smoking jackets. He never lost faith in his dreams, however, and scratched out a living by becoming a street performer, who blew things up on the sidewalk for change.
He took to living in a trash can with a mutant sloth. This creature, left to die by a bioresearch lab, had been thrown in the trash can with a box of radio-isotopes, causing it to become sentient. It called itself Oscar the Grouch, and, although totally disinterested with Wilde's dreams, introduced him to Big Bird, a gigantic creature that was an emu that had been exposed to cosmic rays.
Big Bird believed in Wilde's dream, and with the help of Millard Fillmore, another stranded time-traveler, they got enough money together to build and test Wilde's theory.
The Madhatter Project[edit]
See also: Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats
The Uncyclomedia Foundation & Pyrotechnics Institute, as it came to be known, taped a cat and a piece of buttered toast together, and set out one day to find out what would happen if this combination was thrown violently against the ground. Due to protests by the SPCA, in whose closet they were working at the time, the group was forced to use a dead cat. This worked anyway, since it was discovered that cats do not actually have to be alive to land on their feet.
It was Millard Fillmore who ultimately came up with the name. As he would explain in his autobiography, I Really WAS a President, Dammit: "I thought, 'This would totally work on a T-shirt, and Wilde was like, 'Dude, I would BUY that.'"
It was discovered that not only the cat-toast combination would not fall if dropped, if it was forcefully thrown against the ground, it would explode into a self-sustaining fireball. Big Bird lost half his feathers finding this out.
Using this knowledge, the group time-leapt forward into the 21st century, where they purchased a number of servers they powered with their device. Thus was The Uncyclopedia first formed and powered.
To be fair, Jobbert and Einstein managed to build a device almost as impressive, the atomic bomb. Who will appear on more commemorative money? Only time will tell...
But let's give it a chance. The author will finish it later.
Or maybe not. Should they choose the latter, within seven days, this page will not exist anymore.
Now, go away!
Health Warning: Putting this template on a page consisting of a few lines or worse will not save you and may actually get you banned.
This page will be re-checked on 16 December 2025