Lolo Ferrari

You wish this was just a Photoshop job.

“They both will be sorely missed.”

~ Monsignor Antoine de Caunes on Lolo Ferrari

In the Catholic Church of Eurotrash, Saint Lolo of Ferrari (1962–2000) is the Patron Saint of Wardrobe Malfunctions and Udder Fixation.

Modelling and film

As a teenage girl, Lolo did much modelling work, advertising such goods as broomsticks, hatstands, standard lamps and string. In 1988, she had her spiritual revelation from the Holy Archangel Eric Vigne, who set her on the path to fame, fortune and an outward extroversion of bodily comportment. Inspired to bring her holy message to the world, she appeared in a wide variety of ecclesiastical instructional films with many, many costars. Her advertising work also shifted to space hoppers, bouncy castles and Zeppelins.

She was also famed as a car safety model and advocate for — rather than relying on safety features being present in cars — building a more elastically resilient passenger.

Dear Saint Lolo, please help me grow fabulous breasts when I'm older. Your friend, Sarah.

Music

A classically trained woodwind player, she was famed for her musical talent and her hit single "Resonating Air Mass Generation". In concert and on video, she was often accompanied by skilled oboe players — though many of her fans were actually piccolo players posing as oboe musicians — and, of course, pianists. She would blow on the oboe in short yet powerfully emotive bursts, while they tinkled on her ivories. The encores, too, were renowned.

She was upset, however, that people who attended her album promotions would, rather than asking for her autograph, only wish to demonstrate their own percussion skills on her favourite set of bongos.

Physics

Ye cannae change the laws of breastage!

Resilience, $U_{r}$, can be calculated as $U_{r}={\frac {\sigma ^{2}}{2E}}=0.5\sigma _{\epsilon }=0.5\sigma \times ({\frac {\sigma }{\epsilon }})$, where $\sigma$ is stress before yielding, E is a young modulus and $\epsilon$ is the strain.

The constitutive equation for resilient elasticity (or Generalized 3-D Hooker's Law) is: $\epsilon _{x}={\frac {1}{E}}\left(\sigma _{x}-\nu (\sigma _{y}+\sigma _{z})\right)$, $\epsilon _{y}={\frac {1}{E}}\left(\sigma _{y}-\nu (\sigma _{x}+\sigma _{z})\right)$, $\epsilon _{z}={\frac {1}{E}}\left(\sigma _{z}-\nu (\sigma _{x}+\sigma _{y})\right)$, $\gamma _{xy}={\frac {\tau _{xy}}{G}}$, $\gamma _{yz}={\frac {\tau _{yz}}{G}}$ and $\gamma _{xz}={\frac {\tau _{xz}}{G}}$, where E is the modulus of elasticity, ν is Poisson's ratio (the fish, below), G is the sheer modulus, and all other variables are derived by divine inspiration.

It is possible to solve for the state of stress in the eye of an arbitrary beholder. Once this is done for every point in her body, compatibility must be satisfied for the displacement field to be physically possible. Symmetry reduces the equations to:

${\begin{bmatrix}\epsilon _{1}\\\epsilon _{2}\\\epsilon _{3}\\\gamma _{23}\\\gamma _{13}\\\gamma _{12}\end{bmatrix}}={\begin{bmatrix}s_{11}^{E}&s_{12}^{E}&s_{13}^{E}&0&0&0\\s_{12}^{E}&s_{22}^{E}&s_{23}^{E}&0&0&0\\s_{13}^{E}&s_{23}^{E}&s_{33}^{E}&0&0&0\\0&0&0&s_{44}^{E}&0&0\\0&0&0&0&s_{55}^{E}&0\\0&0&0&0&0&s_{66}^{E}\end{bmatrix}}{\begin{bmatrix}\sigma _{1}\\\sigma _{2}\\\sigma _{3}\\\tau _{23}\\\tau _{13}\\\tau _{12}\end{bmatrix}}$

— which provides a reliable formula for deriving JESUS CHRIST WE'LL BE SUFFOCATED GET IN THE CAR!

Death

Saint Lolo died by her own breasts in 2000. Apparently she had some self-esteem issues (I know — who'da thunk?) and was apparently finding it difficult to cope with the weight on her shoulders. Rescuers attempted CPR, but were unable to stay focused on their task for some reason.

Worshippers at the Shrine of Lolo bring flutes, oboes, bassoons and one-stringed basses. Supplying one's own sunlamp and, of course, cream is considered proper.

Emoticon

(___O___):::(___O___) — Lolo Ferrari with pimples.

All right, it's puerile and cruel. But what do you expect from this topic.

Poor Lolo. She'd be turning in her grave. If she had the room.

Uh, Saint Lolo. Those breasts I asked about? I'm just fine how I am. Really. Thanks. Your friend, Sarah.

See also

• Tesco Value Ferrari