HowTo:Buy Life Insurance

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Just follow the five easy steps below, and you too can commit yourself to a lifetime of paying large sums of money for something you don't need and enriching a broker somewhere

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STEP 1: Ask yourself - Do you need it?

Do you need life insurance? Would you like to leave your darling sister or your snivelling teenage brat with bright orange hair with $1m upon your death? Remember that time in bandcamp when daughter dearest told everyone that daddy had a boyfriend? Do you remember when your son "borrowed" your car and then left it in the Jones' living room?

Bear in mind that once you have died, it will be may be difficult to access that life insurance to go on trip to Paris, for example. There are all these silly tax rules about transferring money to the after-life. A good broker, however, would be able to structure some or other deal. I plan to be buried with some gold. I am rather sinful, and may need to buy cigarettes in Hell.

Beware, some life insurance products cannot be transferred to the afterlife

A common alternative to life insurance is to ask that darling sister to write you a check and stick it into the coffin. However, once again you need to make sure that your check will be honoured. Also make sure she actually has some money in her savings account, because won't that suck when the check you give the prostitute in hell bounces?

You see, most religions have irritating rules about Jesus, and do not allow monetary transfers, so you need to be sure that when you arrive you have taken out a religious policy that allows you to buy a nice house with a garden in the after-life of your choice. Of course, atheism, particularly neo-liberal capitalistic atheism, teaches that for this reason life insurance is a direct controllable cost that can be set to zero as you will surely only be rotting to death slowly and your nearest and dearest can sort themselves out thank you very much. Then again if you plan to blow up a bunch of Jews upon your death, money will not be a problem what with all those rewards that will be bestowed upon you upon your arrival.

STEP 2: Ask yourself - Do you want it?

Having life insurance is an important step in becoming Middle Class. It is right up there with having a mortgage. Actually, if you have the one you usually have to have the other. It is sort of like an iPod and an iPhone, or Microsoft Windows and pain and suffering.

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Summary so far (for our American readers, who are used to post-commercial break summaries)

SO ASK YOURSELF: Do you need it?

Do you want it?

Yeah baby yeah.

You know you want it, you dirty whore.

STEP 3: Find a broker

This image has been minimised by Uncyclopedia's patented lie detector software

Insurance salesmen come in two forms. The first is oily, has a shiny suit and a really really big flash car. The other is on the other end of the telephone, and is oily, has a shiny suit and a really really big flash car. You gotta ask yourself how he manages to afford such a big car. Some insurance companies have outsourced their telemarketing to India, which reduces their costs. This because it is really hard for people to run firebomb a call centre in India. And also, it ensures that people are home when the telemarketer calls, because they are calling you at their noon, which is your midnight. This is roughly the same time that the Viagra, headache pills or sleeping pills kick in. In the industry, this is what is known as a FIT (Fucking Inconvient Time). Generally, when there is a FIT the client will throw a fit, but realise that the only way to get back to what they are busy doing is to say YES, whatever you want, YES YES. Sales are guaranteed.

STEP 4: Close your eyes and sign

There is lots of small print. There is nothing you can do about it. So just sign, and commit yourself to a lifetime of small irritating payments for something that you will never benefit from.

STEP 5: Go direct to death and collect your payout

Tip

Committing suicide does not guarantee that you will collect your life insurance. Please consult your broker.

Upon the insured's death, the insurer requires acceptable proof of death before it pays the claim. Generally you will have to do this in person. Failure to present your proof of death in person may lead to the insurance company not paying you out. Often, insurance companies don't like paying out to anyone who is not the insured. The best way to make sure you collect your insurance money, is to kill yourself in front of your insurer. Make sure you get lots of blood all over them. An even better way might be to jump off of the insurer's office building, and try to land on one of their employees. If the insured's death is suspicious and the policy amount is large, the insurer may investigate the circumstances surrounding the death before deciding whether it has an obligation to pay the claim. This may occur if your life was insured by your wife and the following day she purchased a large quantity of arsenic.