Jordan Schlansky
“I still have no idea what he does for me!”
Jordan Schlansky (born April 13, 1973) is an American associate producer, Brooklynite self-proclaimed Italian, and coffee enthusiast. His job as associate producer requires him to do various tasks and duties, and if he does it well, people like Conan O'Brien will never need to know what he does. He also likes to prepare his body in various ways, and shave his face with his new grooming kit he got at CVS — which is also where he met his wife Emma. He has worked with Conan for 26 years.
Getting to know Jordan[edit]
Jordan is an associate producer; where he often shows up to work at 11 o'clock (AM and/or PM). For breakfast he has a protein shake, which is then followed by a vegetable drink of his choosing on that particular morning. He once showed a video of him cracking a bull-whip to a few people in the office, who were all impressed. Jordan's favourite rock band is Rush due to the fact that the lead singer's voice does not annoy him. In Jordan's dirty office, there is a random bag that is filled with clementines. For a midday snack, he often likes to have Honey Nut Cheerios — plain and without milk. He also keeps Pop-Tarts sealed away inside a closed barrel; which he likes to eat with a sweet red wine in order to balance the chocolate flavour of the tarts. While on a trip to France in an unknown year, Jordan murdered two Danish models, after he embarrased himself while dancing — I mean, what could he do? Those bitches had to die.
Working for Conan[edit]
At some point in Jordan's life, he started to work for Conan O'Brien.
Late Night[edit]
While working as an associate producer for Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Jordan completed various tasks and duties while drinking coffee.
The Tonight Show[edit]
When Conan was kicked off Late Night, he was instead placed earlier in the day with The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Here, Jordan acted as an associate producer who did his various tasks and duties while drinking coffee and pretending to be Indiana Jones.
Conan[edit]
After Jay Leno and NBC backstabbed Conan, Jordan then went on to work for Conan as an associate producer for his new show; Conan. In this new job, Jordan completed various tasks and duties — while drinking coffee, hoarding envelopes from NBC, and stealing Star Wars action figures from kids with cancer.
Plan to invade the earth[edit]
Jordan is a robot alien from an unknown planet. His purpose was to scout the earth and come up with an invasion plan. However, when buying some products at CVS, he met a female human, Emma, in which he fell "in love" with. After marrying this human female, Jordan ditched his own robot species to settle down. Unlike most relationships, Jordan and his wife don't have any arguments, due to a few years prior, Conan cross-dressed as Emma, and went to couples therapy with Jordan. During this session, Jordan overcame his fear of air conditioning, and how to comfort a woman while she is crying.
American or Italian?[edit]
Despite being born in New York to American parents (as stated in his robot cover story), Jordan likes to think of himself as an honorary Italian. Having travelled to the country too many times to count, knowing the wine scene like the back of his hand, and even owning a Vespa, the only thing stopping Jordan from moving to the pizza land and getting his Visa; is his probation. Many Hollywood actors, who were interviewed by Conan, have a restraining order on Jordan. Not because he attacked, or sexually harassed them, but because of his mere presence alone. Conan himself once had a restraining order on Jordan, but had it removed due to realising that he could use Jordan's creepy, yet charming behaviour for better, comedic value on his show/s. Most notably, Harrison Ford has a restraining order on Schlansky, after Jordan whipped him and asked a stupid question. As is the case, in most cases, Jordan was not told of all these famous A-list celebrities having a problem with him, and thought a restraining order is what you tell your waiter if your orange juice has too much pulp in it.