Jean-Claude Juncker
Jean-Claude Juncker (born 9 December 1954) is the current President of the European Union and a former Prime Minister of the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg. He also believes in tax dodging which is why Luxembourg has become a land locked Cayman Islands when it comes to financial secrecy.
Big Fish, Small Pond[edit]
Juncker (pronounced 'Yunker', not 'Junker') was instrumental in turning Luxemburg into the financial capital of Amazon in Europe. In schemes so devilish complicated, it turned out all the money liable for corporation tax inside the European Union were all routed back to Luxemburg. This scam enabled Amazon to avoid tax elsewhere and pay like nothing elsewhere. Juncker came up with that.
Free Stuff[edit]
In an earlier era Juncker was Prime Minister of the Grand Duchy of Luxemburg, a hangover state from the days of the Holy Roman Empire that had somehow managed to being fully merged into another country. Before Amazon and Juncker, Luxemburg's only other claim was a radio station that blasted the UK in the 1940s-1970s with grisly euro pop at a time when the official radio frequencies were owned by the BBC.
Luxemburgish[edit]
Juncker speaks French, German, Bureaucrat and English. He can also speak in Luxemburgish, a German language spoken with a French accent. He doesn't like English but needs it to order take aways whilst working in his office in Brussels.
President-Emperor[edit]
In 2014 the hitherto unknown Juncker was elected by the European Parliament as 'President'. This so upset British Prime Minister David Cameron who had wanted David Beckham for this post that he held a referendum on the issue and lost when the question was changed 'Do You Want to be Ruled by This Filthy Foreigner from Luxemburg or Eat Fish and Chips with Nigel Farage?' When Juncker heard the result that the Brits had voted out, he shrugged his shoulders and did a dance in the spirit of Maurice Chevalier.
Drinking[edit]
Juncker has gained a reputation for knocking it back. His cleaners constantly complain of the number of empty wine bottles they have to remove every day. Still, it seems no barrier for him remaining President. It seems to fuel him to carry on. He certainly seems far more clear headed than some of his favourite hate figures like British Prime Minister Theresa May.
Future[edit]
Can I have another drink please?