Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/January 25

BOI-OI-OIIIING!!!

January 25: Januarymas - Happy Januarymas everyone!, Winter-een-mas begins

• 722 BC - The Roman goddess Juno takes the month of January away from the godlet Janus for being two-faced.
• 50 BCE - Nero plays the violin while Rome burns. Orange Blossom Special is a popular request.
• 959 - Due to constant raids by Vikings, scribes don't get a chance to start creating illuminated Christmas cards until August, so none are available to send until after Christmas. A further delay is caused by Royal Mail workers going on strike until late January, leading to the sarcastic 'Happy Januarymas' greeting by noblemen receiving delayed mail, followed by a volley of arrows.
• 1572 - The longest icicle ever recorded in history is found hanging from Tsar Ivan the Terrible's nose. Nobody feels tsary about it.
• 1759 - Robert Burns decides to celebrate Januarymas. Thousands of Scotch get drunk off product of same name.
• 1810 - Groundhogs begin winding up their careful calculations for next month's weather predictions. After 1927, they would just wing it.
• 1990 - A magic leprechaun starts accumulating knowledge.
• 1992 - Steve Ballmer begins his wrath upon all.
• 2005 - Carson Daly beats the crap out of Dick Clark in the middle of Times Square. ABC, frantic, quickly replaces Clark with noted gaydar Ryan Seacrest (pictured), and Ryan Seacrest Presents Dick Clark's January's Rockin' Mas is a modest hit with target audiences. No word on Brian Dunkleman, though.
• 2008 - Ryan Seacrest finally comes out of his closet after 2 years of looking for that stylish Versace waistcoat.
• 2101 - "For græt justice!" becomes a catch phrase.
• 2103 - It is discovered that Heath Ledger faked his death and went to live with Elvis Presley; he dies for real today, or so it is hoped.