I had sex with your wife
“That's bloody disgusting! Trust me, I've seen this before...”
Hey, dude! How was your night at the bar? Good, yeah? I thought so. Well, something happened while you were at the bar, and I wanted to tell you about it. Well, actually I didn't man, but I felt like I had to, I mean, it just seemed right. You know your wife Jenney? The one you talk about being so great all the time? Well, I had sex with her. But don't get me wrong, it was an accident. Kind of, well not really, but you know what I mean. Or maybe not, because I haven't told you yet, but I thought I should, so now I will.
How it happened[edit]
Okay, so, I was high, and it was dark, and I was confused. Or maybe I wasn't. No, wait- yeah, I was confused, and so I went to your house instead of mine. I don't know why though. I think it was because I was confused. But, yeah, I went to your house and umm... I think I thought it was mine, but I don't know. I was confused. And, uh, your door was locked, so, I came in through the window. Actually, it was the really nice new fancy window that leads to your room you got for your wife. Who as you know now, I had sex with. But it was shut, so I broke it. I don't know why though, I was confused. I don't really know why I was confused, but I think it was because I was high on dope. That sounds right. But so I was in your room, and I saw your wife, who I thought was my girlfriend. They look a lot alike, especially in the dark. They're both fat. Well, I mean your wife has a reason to be fat now. But I'll tell you why in a second. Um, so I said to her,"Hey babe" and then she was like all over me. Before I could do anything she, you know, did me. I mean I think she did me, not the other way around, but I can't be sure, because I was confused.
Sex- with your wife[edit]
So, there I was, with your wife on top of me. As her bulgy, horny buttocks rhythmically pumped up and down on top of me, I came to a realization- your wife is better than mine. I pulled her off of me pretty quickly, but it might have been about half an hour, maybe two. I kind of actually enjoyed it- I mean, not now, if I enjoyed it I wouldn't be apologizing, or would I? Actually, yeah, I still enjoy it- not with her though *twitch twitch*. I can't talk much more, though, I need to go home and fantasize about your wife-- *ahem* I mean, pray for forgiveness. Anyway this is really awkward moral-wise. However, there are just a couple more things I should probably tell you, just give me a moment to regain composure. No- no, please don't call the police yet, come on buddy! Thank you... Now, just calmly set down the phone and let me explain.
Your wife is pregnant[edit]
When I had sex with you wife, something funny happened. Hahahahaha, ha... Well, you won't find it funny, that's sure, but ummm. The condom, was, not very good. And, it kinda, tore, so... Your wife is pregnant. But the baby, it won't be yours. I know you said how you wanted a baby, well now you will have one. But it won't be yours, but mine. sorry. But, also, I think I gave your wife AIDS. I have it, and so she does too now. And my baby will, too. But, that's okay, 'cause you know it's an accident, just like when I lost your pet ferret, or when Your family died. So, sorry. I hope you can forgive me.
Your wife is dead[edit]
Well, yea, shes dead. Probably in a fucking dumpster or some crazy shit. Sorry, but that bitch wanted to keep him. Thats right. She could bear the sight of being with ((your stupid sorry ass)) and decided to keep my baby. I immediately ((knocked that bitch out)) and just had to get the fuck out of there. I apologize, this was not meant to be. I promise, I will make it up to you. How about we go out to lunch sometime? Nah, just kidding, you can go fuck yourself ((you)) stupid idiot.