Human evolution
“Lies! All lies!”
Neo-Darwinian evolution is the fairytale that life came about through random chance with no driving force (other than natural selection and reciprocal feature improvement). This is just a fairytale, like Newton’s fable of gravitation and Einstein’s generalized fairytale of relativity. Just like gravity and general relativity, evolution has absolutely no evidence whatsoever to back it up. Since 99.99% of the respected scientific community accepts it though, it is worth mentioning any how.
In 2006 the popular scientist from Arkansas, Dr. Garrison laid out the principles behind human evolution during a lecture at South Park University:
| “ | In the beginning we were fish, OK, swimming around in the water. Then, one day, a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different so it got to live. So retard fish went on to make more retard babies and then, one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its “mutant fish hands” and it had butt-sex with a squirrel or something and made this: retard frog squirrel. Then that had a retard baby that was a monkey fish frog. Then that monkey fish frog had butt-sex with this monkey and that monkey had a monkey retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you.
So there you go. You’re the retarded offspring of 5 monkeys having butt-sex with a fish squirrel; congratulations! |
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Similarities between humans and our close ancestors[edit]
It is upsetting to think that humans and chimpanzees share a common ancestor that’s 6,000,000 years old; it would be much nicer to think that we came from a hand full of manure 6010 years ago. Like or not though, that is where we came from.
Taxonomic classification defines humans as being gay monkeys (Homo sapiens). It also defines our most distant ancestors that stood upright on two legs as gay wankers (Homo erectus). There is much work to be done on this system of classification since not all humans are gay, (and not me) only 10% of us are. The study of the evolution of gayness is called gayleontology, not to be confused with Scientology, the study of retards.
Human beings differ from chimps in the fact that we have a brain mass that is 3.375 times greater than a chimp’s and we don’t masturbate in public, (usually) throw crap at each other or live up trees. We have a genome which differs from a chimp in only 1 in every 330 bases and we have a skeletal structure and a sense of fashion which is almost identical to that of chimps.
One of the most conclusive pieces of evidence that the theory that humans are primates is wrong is the fact that (most) humans are not hairy. It is interesting to note that the average male adult human has more hair on his body than the average male adult chimp; it’s just that the hairs are much thinner. No, really, it’s true!
The main reason humans lost our thick coating of hair is that sports clothes manufacturers were finding it hard to sell clothes. The lobbyists of Nike, Adidas, Reebok and kappa put a bill before Congress ordering that humans evolve finer hair so that would be forced to wear clothes.
Evolution of human intelligence[edit]
People who doubt that the fact that humans evolved often ask the question: “if we’re monkeys, why don’t we act like monkey?” The answer, which doesn’t take an evolutionary biologist to figure out, is the size of our brains. Mankind has a melon for a head; just as womankind has a pair of melons for a chest. Why don’t humans behave in the way a chimp in the zoo does? Well, it’s because we have a brain which has a mass more than three times greater than a chimp. However, despite this larger brain, humans since the begining of their time, insist on acting like retards. It seems humans just cannot get far from their monkey evolution. While monkeys like to scratch, humans are always picking their nose, especially on the subway. While monkeys like to jump up and down, so do humans, although they prefer to do it at bars while they are intoxicated and trying to find a partner to copulate with. Monkeys form groups, as do humans, except in these groups humans like to call each other Shithead and give them a wedgie. It has been determined in scientific studies that when monkeys are forced to wear pants, they quickly learn how to give each other wedgies - this proving the evolutionary link between Monkeys and Man.
The famous evolutionary zoologist Miss Garrison attempted to demonstrate the effects of a human emulating a chimp in the zoo. She had a shit in her hand and threw it at born again Christian Prof. Richard Dawkins while the following dialogue took place between the two of them:
- Prof. Dawkins: Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us.
- Miss Garrison: Whatever!
- Prof. Dawkins: It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breath in the air.
- Miss Garrison: Retarded fish frogs.
- Prof. Dawkins: Miss Garrison I believe that that’s a gross oversimplification.
- Miss Garrison: Well you’re a faggot! Continue.
- Prof. Dawkins: You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt; like changing us to the point that we walk upright.
- Miss Garrison: So you are saying that we’re all related to monkeys?
- Prof. Dawkins: well yes, basically we are.
- Miss Garrison: You see monkeys at the zoo? They crap in their hands and throw it at people.
- Prof. Dawkins: Miss Garrison, this isn’t theory; it’s scientific fact.
- Miss Garrison: What about the fact that I believe in this stuff you’re gonna go to hell, doesn’t that bother you a little?
- Prof. Dawkins: Actually no, because I’m an atheist.
- Miss Garrison: Ah ha! I got you you snake in the grass! I found you out!
- Prof. Dawkins: I never covered it up.
- Miss Garrison: And if I’m a monkey I might as well act like a monkey huh? Wuh wuh wuh wah wah wah, Wuh wuh wuh wah wah wah (pull pants down and begins to crap on her hand)
- Prof. Dawkins: What on Earth are you doing?
- Miss Garrison: Don’t ask me; I’m a fucking monkey! (throws handful of crap at Prof. Dawkins)
- Prof Dawkins: Arghh!
Although we all feel the need to shit in our hands and then throw them at intellectuals in an attempt to “highlight the incongruity of some scientific theories” we usually manage to resist the urge to our desire not to make ourselves look like twats. That is not always a factor when it comes to fundamentalist Christians though.