Hugo Chávez
 |
Advice to Uncyclopedians
"Not speaking ill of the dead" is a tenet for all who use the language with refinement. Fortunately, this is a humor wiki and we are just as lawless as Hugo was. |
 |
“How will we solve the economic crisis? Why look in the man drawer of course! I have many Drachma from my Korfu holiday eighty eight”
Hugo Chavez (28 July 1954 - 5 March 2013) was President of the failed state of Venezuela. He was a former military officer and coup d'etat organizer, a.k.a. Axis of Evil Rep #4, El Zambo, and Monkey Mandant, was the coolest evilest Latin American Premier Dictator and oppressor of the (now enfranchised) proletariat.
Chavez was indisputably one of the greatest threats to the free world. His ideas of international cooperation, Third-world cooperation and nationalization of Natural Resources threaten the American dream. Idolized by the Leftists and the Socialists and frigging hippies and regarded as a sexual icon by neocons and the Republican Party in the vein of Mark Foley and Jabba the Hutt, Chavez is also known as the reincarnation of Sideshow Bob, His most important friends can be found in Fidel Castro, Tux, Eee-rak and all over the deadly continent of Euthenasia. History is not clear as to whether Chavez was an important figure in the Five-Day War, by not selling oil to the Pirates of the Caribbean.
Widely believed to be the son of ChristAnti-Christ (even in Europe), he refers to George W. Bush as the devil and, in his very bad English, a donkey. Some have taken this to either mean that he was calling Bush a fruity-looking pinata or an ass. World opinion is divided as to his anti-divinity. Some countries like Cuba believe him to be in the mold of Che, in that he hates homosexuals (look up Che) while others like the United States of America think he is a witch.
It has been the intention of the United States to assassinate Chavez since 1941. However, Chavez' wily tricks and councelship from his alto pana, the gangsta hiphopper K-stro, have always outsmarted George W. Bush and his line of always thinking-too-fast ancestors. In the past Chavez has narrowly avoided numerous falling pianos, anvils, boulders, as well as sticks of TNT and 19th century blunderbluss blasts. These exploits have been dramatized in the popular Hispanic TV show The Dukes of the Caribbean, where Hugo and Fidel Duke constantly outwit Boss Bush and his sidekick Roscoe P. Cheney whilst driving their supercharged 1969 Volkswagen Beetle The General Bolivar. You know, 'cuz Bush and Cheney have actually been paying attention to this oil-rich and oil drilling expertise-poor blowhard, in between bouts of being ignored by everyone.
Early years
Hugo Chávez was born from a souped up, Valentine was his fault because he loved Barbie's late term abortion of a whale and a cockroach. He was then raised by Gollum to attain the presidency of the underworld, but when he found out this was unattainable due to his despicable nature, he decided, as many failures in life do, to join the military. Then he distinguished himself by being the most possibly homosexual cadet, graduating atop (on top) of his regimental commander, and receiving honorary mentions in anal sciences and dildos. Chavez would then be posted to an isolated corner of the world, where he could constantly practice his specialty. He would distinguish himself greatly to the point of achieving an actual real rank and handling a military kitchen, experience he considers pivotal on his autobiography to his presidency.
The dark side
Upon his divine isolation, guarding the throat of the nation, Chávez ran into a traveling refugee. This refugee, fleeing the horrors of the imminent collapse of the republic, introduced him to the arts of megalomania and the dark side. He then was known as Darth Messmo, and set out to conquer the world. He however failed miserably at his first attempt in 1992, in which he would overthrow the government and was thrown into jail for not being homosexual enough to serve in the military, amongst other trivial charges such as treason, and rebellion. It was there in prison amongst anal beads, and several prayers that he managed to reach the level of his riddled syphilis master, and concocting his most successful failure in running for president.
Fight against Uncle Sam
Hugo Chavez is one of the many tyrants who dares to oppose the divine authority of America and has made insulting people he doesn't like a state policy. He is a more inspirational character than George Bush. As part of his brilliant plan to remove all eeeeeeeeeeeevil undemocratic influence the oppressive United States wields in Venezuela, Chavez dismantled the bourgeoisie's media, oil, and communication companies that corrupt children and make them want to kill themselves.
Though Chavez is a staunch opponent of Uncle Sam, the latter inspired him to choose "Uncle Hugo" as his preferred title. All over Venezuela may be spotted posters of His Excellency sporting clown make-up, nose glasses and a rather amusing pink fez with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers depicted on it. On these posters are written the totally awful slogan "Uncle Hugo wants you for a nice barbecue!". These mass produced posters have the function of instilling fear, respect and familiarity ("Look! It's Uncle Hugo!") among his subjects.
Back from the dead
In the U.S. general election of 2020, Hugo Chavez showed he still had influence. He was cited by American lawyer Sidney Powell as the instigator of the plot to steal the presidency away from Donald Trump. The South American dictator had reach beyond the grave.