UnNews:Chavez plays down "crush you all" comment

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 16:37:59 (UTC)
Chavez plays down "crush you all" comment UnNews Logo Potato.png

8 October 2012

Dynamic duo: But Chavez and Vice President Polly are in hot water (as if someone had put the kettle on).

CARACAS, Venezuela -- Newly re-elected President of Venezuela and famous Chav Hugo Chavez attempted to calm fears after he was inadvertently recorded on a microphone as saying "Y a ustedes... hijos de puta... les aplastaré a todos" ("And as for you... sons of bitches... I will crush you all.")

Initially government sources sought to deny any rumours of such an utterance, then when uploads of the footage began surfacing on YouTube, they claimed it was malevolent US propaganda. Then, under pressure from opposition party supporters, they acknowledged it was not American propaganda, but suggested there was a technical fault which meant that a short excerpt from Bruce Willis classic The Color of Money interfered with the public broadcast, before finally admitting that Chavez himself, in conversation with his second-in-command Vicepresidente Polly, had said something about sons of bitches and crushing.

Chavez, now beginning his third 25-year term, immediately sprang into action, beginning another broadcast which spanned all network stations, and which lasted 4 hours and 6 minutes. His rambling and at times incoherent speech was delivered with the Dallas Cowboys fan dressed in traditional Venezuelan garb, and seemed to revolve around the idea that he was threatening to "crush" all cockroaches in the country, starting from today. "Truthfully, this has been the perfect democratic battle. I know that I have not been the perfect president. But what I will promise now is a perfect socialist republic: literacy for everyone, electricity for most, water for the majority, healthcare for some, unexpected dismissals for a few, and the crushed bones of... ehhh.. cockroaches under the feet of the Republic." The speech gave way to a thrilling 30 second firework display over the Royal Palace, synchronized to the tune of La Cucaracha.

Chavez plays down "crush you all" comment was an article written for the Noob only writing competition 2012!
Yay for us!
And yay for them!

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Chavez_plays_down_%22crush_you_all%22_comment&oldid=5594673"