HowTo:Write a Bullshit Story

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I recommend that you read this book if you really like bullshit stories.

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Ah, bullshit stories. They are one of the under-recognized, underappreciated and under-a-third-thing aspects of American culture. Hello Uncyclopedia, my name is Alan Smithee, and I am here to discuss with you today about bullshit stories.

Some stories are dull, others are well-developed and well-thought out with every nook and cranny carefully held tightly.

The following is a step-to-step guide on how to make a great bullshit story. Or possibly a good one. Or maybe a bad one. In any event, reading this will occupy five minutes of your time that really would be better spent on doing your homework.

Step one: Formulate a concept

A bullshit story needs a firm ground or stable idea or solid foundation to make it great. This will require a dose of reality. Also, words, unless you're a mime, in which case everybody hates you and they don't care about that time it was really windy and you had to walk.

Step two: Use interesting names and characters

e.g., "There was a man named Karl Luschkouvitz who in 1967 traveled all across the world using nothing but passports, a rubber band, a can of Pringles, some water and a ball-point pen."

Notice how this Luschkouvitz cat is described? His around-the-world adventure sounds like a typical episode of MacGyver!

Step three: Use locales that are off the beaten track

Moldova is the green fungus growing next to Romania

For example, if you are making a bullshit story about your national heritage, always pick some obscure European country, like say that you were born in someplace like Latvia or Belarus or Moldova.

Example: "When I was a young boy growing up in Latvia, we only had two types of music."

Step four: If this bullshit story isn't a necessarily serious story, then feel free to add a degree of silliness

Example: "In 1952, a newspaper cost 25 cents, a hamburger cost a nickel and a Honduran field worker only cost two lempiras."

Notice the non-sequitur in that sequence? The first two objects had their cost described in American currency, however the cost for a cheap Honduran field worker is expressed in lempiras, which is the currency for Honduras, which brings us to our next step.

Step five: Tend to do a bit of research before making your story

One of the greatest cities on Earth!

A bullshit story is best when every nook and cranny is carefully worked out. Don't leave anything to chance; research your story's premise thoroughly and make sure to work out all the kinks.

For example, I'll refer back to the nationality story:

“ I was born in Latvia. I spent much of my childhood in the city of Rīga, where I walked the downtown streets adorned by Russo-German architecture. I remember those cold winters where the average January temperature was 27.9 degrees Fahrenheit. During the wintertime, we would occasionally travel out south to the Ukraine to seek out some sun. Then when I was six years old, my true parents sent me to America with nothing but 100 Lets in my pocket, a Lettish-English dictionary, six bottles of water and an optimistic smile on my face. ”

Step six: Visualize

It's a good idea to close your eyes and imagine yourself placed in this bullshit story. (A key to making it believable is by making yourself believe it.) For example, the fact that the architecture and wintertime in the Latvian capital of Rīga is described in this story may arouse a feeling of deja vu to somebody who isn't Latvian, while it may arouse a feeling of nostalgia to somebody who actually is Latvian, if presented in the correct tone, which brings us to yet another crucial step in the bullshitting process.

Step seven: Rehearse

I recommend you use one of these when rehearsing.

It's important that a bullshit story is well-executed and, like many other things, practice makes perfect for a good bullshit story. It is recommended that you practice your story out by telling it to yourself in front of a mirror. When telling your story to a mirror, watch your facial expressions and body language; keep on telling the story to yourself until there's not a shred of doubt on your face.

Step eight: Revise

In the case of bullshit stories, longer isn't always better; and actually, longer stories often wind up being worse. As a matter of fact, an Irishman once wrote a 628-page bullshit story called Finnegans Wake, and it came out to be considered one of the worst books ever written. With that in mind, try to make sure that your bullshit story is brief and doesn't run on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Write your story down on paper in full first, then read through it, get a pen and cross out all the stuff that doesn't need to be there.

Step nine: Present

After much trial and error, and careful use of the previous eight steps, you will finally make a story that is presentable and appealing to the public. If you play your cards right, your story will be met with whatever reaction you were expecting out of your audience. However, remember that not everyone will enjoy your story, but don't mind the people who hate it. They're not important. What's important is that you now know how to make a great bullshit story! Or a good one. Or a bad one.

And the rest should be as easy shooting womp rats on the desert sands of Tatooine.

Bon appetit! Mazel tov!