HowTo:Win a Chess Game

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

Authors note: This article took much time and deep contemplation, but it was worth all the time and effort to ensure that you, the budding chess champion, will now be able to reach you potential.

“Dang, you have a king too”

~ Captain Obvious on Chess

“And a Queen!”

~ Captain Obvious on Chess

“In Soviet Russia, Mate Checks YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Chess

“Yeah, now that's a sport!”

~ Bobby Fischer on Chess

“You think you're so great! You're just like me, but on steroids”

~ Checkers on Chess

“Ah, hell na! You did not just say white goes first!”

~ Will Smith on Chess Rules

“That's racist!”

~ Al Sharpton on chess

“Chess isn't just a game, it's a way of life, man.”

~ Random Hippy on Chess

“Hey I'm Chinese; isn't there a yellow side?”

~ Alan Diep on Chesses set-up

These easy step-by-step "HowTo" procedure will help you on your way to becoming an invincible chess champion.

In the course of this article, tips from Grand Masters, labelled with "GM" provide you with helpful advice and valuable suggestions.

Warning: Results may vary!

Definitions

Just so we are all on the same page or train of thought, we have defined the following terms that apply to this HowTo: article.

Winning - Verb: 1. To be victorious.
2. To avoid being a loser.

A - article - Something used before nouns to show singularness.

Chess - noun - A game played between two opponents (sometimes three?) resulting in close combat with one winner and one idiot. The game pits opponents in mortal mental conflict via control of wooden slaves called pieces and a board consisting of an 8 X 8 grid of squares.

Game - noun - A fun activity (for the winner, anyway) that may be either noncompetitive or brutally physical. In this context, game does not mean an animal hunted for food. Note the difference. Yet they're similar in a way.

Now to define combinations of the above terms:

Winning a chess game - sentence - Being the first to trap your opponent's king. (Winning is more succinctly defined as n00bing your opponent.)

Step One - Setup

Tip

GM: Setting up the board is a key component to every chess game victory; without proper board setup, the players would be reduced to a mere staring contest. Because, staring contests have been known to deteriorate ocular health, proper setup is imperative.

Set up the game board in a goofy manner to annoy your opponent and throw him off guard. Additionally, set the pieces so that they are off-center in each square; possibly even touching an adjacent square. This will disturb your opponent and throw off his logic. If your opponent tries to adjust the pieces, quickly push his hand away saying, "I concentrate better with the board set up like this." If he continues, wait till he's done and then skew them off-center again. Trust me he'll give up.

Good job. You have successfully angered if not made your opponent ready to kill you at any given moment. Don't worry, killing is illegal in the game of chess and if he kills you, he will have to immediately forfeit the game making you the winner by default -- good job!

If you fail to provoke a murder, go on step two.







Setup Strategies

This may not be a good idea for setting up a board. Although it might intimidate your opponent. Hmmmm...

White to move and checkmate in 65, ha beat that Chuck Norris                                                 I already have - Chuck!

Step Two - Things to say and do before the first move

Tip

GM: Letting your opponent know the depth your chess knowledge might intimidate him into making poor moves. Show your opponent how vast your understanding of chess really is.

Use the following techniques to give your opponent a taste of your unbounded mastery of this thinking man's game.

Example 1 - Counting

Start counting the squares on the board in an unsuspecting way (but not too much of an unsuspecting way) while mumbling softly (but loudly enough for him to hear you) until you reach 64. Then shout out 64 like you won bingo or the lottery. Pat yourself on the back and say to him, "Amazing! There are exactly 64 squares on the board." Now, quickly recheck the squares making doubly sure your answer is right. Phew, that was close.

Warning: The worst thing you could possibly do is to give your opponent confidence by omitting any reference to your vast chess knowledge!

Example 2 - The First and Second Moves

Say to your opponent, "Did you know that white goes first and...and black goes second?" Snicker loudly and say "I learned that last week! I bet you didn't even know that!"

Example 3 - Yet another discovery

If your opponent hasn't balked at your impressive store of chess facts yet, use this example. Slyly say to your opponent, "I was thinking of castling for my first move, but I know just how to get you with my horseys." Now, slyly move the pawn right in front of the left horsey three spaces forward.

Hint: After you plant the fear in your opponent with your comment, he probably won't even notice the extra space you moved your pawn.

After your opponent's move, stun him with more convincing evidence of your superior brain power. Make a comment similar to the following: "Wowzers, if white goes first and black goes second, then that means white goes third and black goes fourth. I get to go every other turn! You better watch out cause your castle guy might just have to die! MuHaHaHa!"

Well chess champion in the making, if your opponent doesn't forfeit right there, then either he's contemplating how to commit suicide or he thinks he knows something about chess too. But fear not even in the slightest -- these steps guarantee you victory. Proceed to step three.

Step Three - Secret chess moves

Tip

GM: In a pinch, use a secret move. These moves have been known to help relative novices beat top grandmasters. These include grandmasters of golf, badminton, and even the occasional rock, paper, scissors grandmaster.

Secret Move One - The yawn

Randomly yawn with an intense mouth-opening expression on your face. Now, while you move your arms into the air as if to stretch them, "accidentally" poke your opponents eye. This prevents your opponent from seeing the board properly, giving you a supreme advantage. Remember, your opponent in never expecting you to do this. Hence the name "secret". Try it a couple times to get the motion down smoothly. Don't worry if it isn't perfect the first time, it takes everybody a couple dozen tries to master this move. Great job! Proceed.

Secret Move Two - Food

Chomp loudly so all may hear your wonderful sound of your saliva working on digesting that sandwich and chips platter (preferably tuna because it causes bad breath, a definite factor in forcing a forfeit). Actually try munching your food to the tune of The Star Spangled Banner or better yet to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb. For kicks, sing all twenty different versions of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

Warning: This may take two or more sandwiches to finish.

Secret Move Three - Drinking

Drink any soft beverage and after each sip say "Ahhhh" like you're feeling refreshed every time. Then lick your lips with much enthusiasm and with more "Ahhhh" noises in between. This move is very compatible with Secret Move Two improves it's efficiency. In fact, this move was invented by the same parson who invented move two; in rapid succession - isn't that ironic.

If the annoying "Ahhhh" fails to elicit an appropriate response from your adversary, the other drink tactic is to take a large mouthful of soda, (preferably a color that easily stains clothing) wait until your opponent's next move, and then laugh out loud at his obviously inane choice of moves, and in the process spraying soda onto your opponent. If your opponent leaves to change clothes, you can rearrange the pieces to a position better suited to your strategy.

Warning: Don't drink Alcoholic beverages as you might become drunk and possibly be forced to forfeit the game.

Secret Move Four - Music

Act like your favorite song is stuck in your head preferably "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and start lip singing it but actually sing it softly for your opponent to hear it. Start swaying your head back forth like a death metal band leader would. This move works well with Secret Move Two.

Secret Move Five - Hygiene

It's just wrong to have good hygiene. No further will I go.

Congratulations you are now prepared to take on the elite players. Warning: Please do not attempt to use these steps on the best of the best.

If all fails, follow these hints. They just might save your butt from humiliation.

Tip

GM: Remember these are just suggestions, not laws.

• Learn to actually play well in the game of chess. Maybe even read a book on it or something. It might just help you checkmate your opponent for a win rather than winning by default or forfeit.
• Play only opponents who suck terribly at the game of chess. People under the age of six are optimal targets for this tactic.
• Try new ways of annoying your opponent. It increases you odds of winning by 50%.

• Cheat
• More Cheating
• Offer him a cup of coffee, or another beverage, into which you have secretly placed four tablespoons of laxatives. If he wonders why it's greenish white, ignore him. Thus he will have to use the bathroom and his clock will run down. For better results, take away the bathroom's toilet paper, go in and laugh with vigor.

Tip

GM: Cheating's a good trick! If you're not cheating, you're not trying!

• Give your opponent a spiked drink until he makes stupid moves or passes out. Passing out is an automatic forfeit.
• Hire an assassin.
• Hire two assassins.
• Hire two assassins and a clown dipped in chocolate pudding. Now that's preparation!
• Lastly offer a draw or play to a stalemate.
• Threaten to cry if you lose.
• Threaten to kill them if you lose.
• Hit them over the head with a frying pan when they put you in check; they'll soon learn not to.

Things you must never do

At all costs, avoid doing the following:

• Forfeit (automatically means you lose)
• Give Up (this leads to forfeiting)
• Die
• Tip your king at a 27 degree angle pointing south by south-east
• Surrender
• Lose, because, mathematically, it can be proved that $LOSING!=WINNING$, as shown in this formula.

Tip

GM: Losing is the worst possible option in chess, even worse than surrendering. Never try it. It is the ultimate stink code invented and discovered by the loser king himself. However, don't let my opinion on the subject influence your style of play.

• Strike up a conversation
• Quit
• Smile in a friendly manner (laughing and mocking are OK)
• Quit while smiling
• Quit while laughing
• Get your butt handed to you
• Lose to a monkey (that would be sad)
• look dejected or depressed (anger is OK)
• Break a leg (Yes it's happened before. Don't ask.)
• Jump up and do a Mexican Tap Square Dance
• Make eye contact, except to glare menacingly
• Die again
• Bring your friends along for the game (it's never fun to be laughed at)

Last Ditch

If the game is going badly, and you are fairly sure you can't win, have some firecrackers or a flash-bang grenade wired up to explode via remote control. (Terrorists are able to use cheap cell phones to remotely detonate improvised explosive devices, so it can't be that hard to do, really.) When it looks bad, but before you are in checkmate, detonate the noise maker, pretend to be surprised, and knock over all the chess pieces. Now pretend to be mad at yourself. Say that you had just come up with a plan to get out of the hole you were in and curse your nervous tick that made you knock over the pieces before you could bring your cunning plan into action. Your opponent can never prove that he would have won, and you will avoid a loss.