HowTo:Strip a wall
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“Either that wallpaper goes or I do.”
It’s finally come to that time has it? You've been putting it off for just over a year now but you knew you'd have to face it eventually. Yes that’s right it's time to redecorate and because unfortunately you don't have the know-how to do it yourself you've come seeking advice from this article. Well I can only guide you through the first step of redecorating - Paper stripping
Method One: The Scraper[edit]
You will need:
- A Scraper
Yes that’s right the scraper *Jazz hands* the single most ineffective and boring way to remove wallpaper. To use simply apply the scraper to the wall and move in an up and down direction. A common side effect of this method (And Masturbation) is repetitive strain injury; this can be avoided by taking hour long breaks every 10-15 seconds. Based on this you should finish the job between 2010 and the end of time. Many members of the general public find this method both ineffective and beneath them, so they tend to employ some of the more...innovative methods of removing wallpaper, as mentioned below
Method Two: Water[edit]
You Will Need:
- A Bucket
- Water
All you need to do is apply water to the bucket, then apply the water to the wall and the paper should fall right off within 5-10 minutes* If you live in any areas affected by flooding just wait until British summertime and this job should be done for you. But if you can't stomach the thought of ruined furniture, soggy carpets and the cat floating down the street on an upturned sofa...move on to method three...or maybe move house. If you are unsure if your house is in an area that could be affected by flooding, please visit www.goatse.cz for more information on this topic
* disclaimer: Bullshit
Method Three: Blowtorch[edit]
You Will Need:
- A Blowtorch
- The Local Fire Station On Speed Dial
- Mental Instability
This is one of the more complex methods of paper stripping and shouldn't be attempted without proper safety gear. First of all you light the blowtorch and then apply the hot end to the wall. With any luck the paper should catch fire and burn right off the walls. Just a slight note...it may not be a good idea to try this method if you have wooden floors...or furniture...or carpets...or a brain. A small warning about this method; in 2001, many thousands of people died when a janitor in the north tower World Trade Center decided to employ this method when attempting to remove a stubborn piece of wallpaper. The subsequent fire destroyed the first tower and spread to the second, eventually destroying that one as well. The fire department even resorted to flying planes laden with giant water tanks into the side of the buildings to try and stop the fire, but to no avail, so please be aware of these dangers when using this method.
Method Four: Wall Removal[edit]
You Will Need:
- A Sledgehammer
- Planning Permission
- Mental Instability
Once again one of the more complex methods of paper stripping, although concept is a simple one...Don't remove the paper; remove the wall. Simply obtain planning permission from your local council offices and start removing walls. You may not to remove too many though...as you may find yourself with VERY Pissed off neighbors and your good self lacking a house. In the unlikely event that you do destroy your house while using this method, Uncyclopedia, Wikia or any of its affiliated companies or sponsors will not be held responsible for your total lack of intelligence or for not following this guide correctly.
Method Five: Run Away From The Job[edit]
You Will Need
- Somewhere Else To Live
- Severe Lack of Dignity/Self Respect Etc
Yep that's right; you've realised that the job in hand is way too much for your limited intelligence. The best solution to this is just to run away and maybe find a pre-decorated house to live in. There may also be a guide on this website on how to find you and your family a nice, pre-decorated House, if so we suggest you follow that guide with the diligence that you have followed this one. However if there isn't such a guide here, we suggest you fuck off and/or die.
Conclusion[edit]
Well I hope the above methods have helped you solve your paper stripping conundrum and I wish you peace, comfort and prosperity in your newly decorated home