HowTo:Stand still

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Rocks are experts at standing still. Just look at this one. Does it move? Does it? You get my point.

“Witty quotes do not require physical motion.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Standing still

The ancient art of standing still is little known today, yet can prove to be useful in a variety of situations. Standing still, in a nutshell, is the (in)action of not moving at all. If your destiny is to become a Royal Guard of Her Majesty the Queen of Britain, a model for a sculptor, or a piece of rock, then the following Howto is for you. Don't move, read on!

Why standing still?[edit]

This bear is probably not standing still. Maybe you should have been...

“Standing still enables me not to move.”

~ Captain Obvious on Standing still

Imagine yourself walking in some forest in the wilderness of Canada. The air is pure and fresh, the trees are green, in the distance you can hear the streaming of a river, and the ferocious roar of a bear. Actually, this last one was just behind you. You turn yourself slowly on your feet and discover that you have been followed since the beginning of your walk by a hungry, enraged, 4-meter tall black bear.

Now let me ask you this question: would this have happened to you if you had chosen to stand still in your car, instead of going for a stupid walk? Now you start to realize the power of standing still.

Not all is lost, of course. You can die standing still now. This will reduce the length of your agony as death would be quick and painless, since the bear won't have to run after you for half a mile before mauling you. So you see, even in extreme situations, standing still is very useful.

Do you follow me? You'd better not, since this is about standing still. On to the next part...

Standing still as a self-defence martial art[edit]

“Everything moves in the Tao, except what stands still.”

~ Goa Tse on Standing still

We have seen above that standing still can prevent you from getting hurt, or can minimize how much you get hurt in a dangerous situation. Standing still, as a martial art, contains only one kata, aptly named "Stand perfectly Still." It consists in not moving. A traditional form is shown below.

Standing Still, as shown on the course syllabus. The sequence should be read from right to left, Japanese-style. Notice the various non-movements in the Kata. This is very important.

This kata can be used as a preventive strike in all situations that may be dangerous:

Example 1: meeting the girl of your dreams
Situation: The girl of your dreams is walking towards you.
Technique: Stand perfectly still.
Outcome: The girl walks past you. Your secret feelings for her are safe from being revealed to her and you can continue fantasize over her in your lonely evenings in front of your computer.
Example 2: getting a pay raise by talking to your boss
Situation: You are in your boss' office, and he asks you what you are doing here.
Technique: Stand perfectly still.
Outcome: After a while, the boss will forget about your presence, and go back to its normal activities. While his attention is attracted to the latest chain email that needs to be sent to 20 persons in his contact list otherwise something horrible is going to happen, you have plenty of time to ponder about whether you actually need a payrise since you are, at this moment, getting paid just for being there, immobile, in the same room as him.
Example 3: trying to smuggle some drugs at the airport
Situation: You have stashed a load of coke up your buttocks and approaching the security check.
Technique: Stand perfectly still.
Outcome: People will overtake you and after a while you will need to go to the loo. You continue standing still in the airport while the last passengers of the day go on their planes. Shortly before closing time, the local janitor will finally notice you and ask you why you are standing still. You can then tell him you really need to go to the loo. He will kindly show you the way and you can relieve yourself. Little did he know that at the other end of the sewing pipes, the dealers will receive the drugs.

Now let's move on to the next part, metaphorically speaking of course.

Standing still as a sport[edit]

One of Hitler's first tries at standing still. Nice try, Adolf.

“Stand still while Big Brother is watching YOU!”

~ Georges Orwell on Standing still

While for some people standing still is a lifesaver, for some others, it is a highly competitive sport. People such as Oscar Wilde, Mount Everest, Mahatma Gandhi and Adolf Hitler have all taken this sport very seriously and regularly compete against each other.

Standing Still has been included in 1979 in the list of sports practiced in the Olympic Games, under the pressure of advertising companies. The basic idea is that it is easier to read an ad stuck on a person standing still than one on a person running around or jumping or swimming in some pool. Standing still is taking a bigger part of the Games every passing year. It is expected that in the next Olympic Games, Standing Still and Curling would be the two only sports left; although some critics argue that curling is a bastardised form of Standing Still anyway.

If you're a sportsman, it could be good for your career to learn standing still. It's quite simple, really. Just don't move. You don't need to spend countless hours building muscle mass, follow strainful training every day, run/swim/cycle/jump/whatever, you just need to not move at all. No need for dope either (although coffee may help, because if you fall asleep, you're not standing still anymore). Really, standing still is the sport of the future!

Ecology of standing still[edit]

If you don't stand still, Al Gore will come to your house and give you an inspirational speech about motionlessness.

“God wanted us to move, that's why he gave women legs and told them to do it for us.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Standing still

With all this global warming, tsunamis and tornadoes going amok recently, don't you think it's a good time to do something for Mother Earth? Yes, my man, even you as an individual can have an impact on the environment and help save the world for the future generations. What you need to do is to stand still. This:

  • reduces energy consumption (no driving, no moving to go light on some stupid electric devices, nothing),
  • recudes gas emissions (if you can actually stop breathing).

Don't just stand still alone! Tell your friends about this too! By standing still together, we can save our world!

More stuff...?[edit]

Well, please stand still while I go gather more stuff to complete this howto... Don't move, ok? I'll be right back!

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